Paternity Leave Dilema

[Lauramab85]

Hi all

Looking for a bit of advice and opinion on a tricky situation...

I found out I was pregnant really late into my pregnancy, ie at 24 weeks... it's still a huge shock and I'm struggling to get my head around it all to be honest

It hasn't been a joyous occasion unfortunately, when I found out (3weeks ago) I told my partner who has been completely unsupportive. It's heartbreaking as we've been together for 4 years, he's ended the relationship and I'm now having to find a new place to live as we've been living in his owned house. So stress levels are high and it feels like my world has crumbled around me in the last 3 weeks

My main query is regarding paternity leave, he's fortunate in that the company he works for gives 26 weeks fully paid, my company gives only 6 weeks so I'll be returning far too soon after baby is born but unfortunately it's unavoidable given the situation. His employer offers shared parental leave so he has asked about taking the remaining 20 weeks and has been given forms or something to fill out

I don't know if I'm being hormonal and unreasonable but I really don't think he should be getting 20 weeks as a paid holiday basically since he plans on having no involvement with baby. Am I being out of line here if this is something his work says he's entitled to? I doubt they'll know the time won't be spent actually being a father, or if it matters that we won't be living together when baby comes along

This has been a bit of a vent, so I'm sorry for rambling on, any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

I'm fairly sure he can't just take the leave. If he has refused to be involved you can leave him off the birth certificate which reduces his rights further.

As far as I'm aware the leave is shared between parents and he needs your signature and MATB1 forms to say you are splitting the leave. Don't hand him anything and he shouldn't be able to take leave. He will however look like a prize twat for trying.

Be wary of him coming back saying he's so sorry once he realises this. I wouldn't put it past someone who considers this to get you back, take his leave without actually caring for the baby then chucking you out again.

He has shown you his true colours. Get set up on your own whilst you have those wage slips. Tax credits and child benefit will help. You can also persue him for maintenance but I'm not sure how that goes if he isn't on the birth certificate. There will be others who can better advise on that. Work out now what the best option is for you and this baby.

Also Op my husband's HR needed a copy of birth certificate proving DD existed and he was her dad.

Thanks everyone, I think I just needed to hear that it's not me being petty or bitter. He's certainly showing his true colours, in his mind it's me who's wronged him and he's only thinking of himself

He actually said today 'it's going to affect my life forever, I'm always going to worry about a letter arriving or look at my payslip one day and see money taken off, and if I meet someone new in future I'll have to tell them I have a kid out there somewhere...'

So he sees the 20 weeks as some kind of compensation and time he wants to use to get his head together and work on his fitness!

He really is a class a tool

He is absolutely disgusting!

I'm in shock.

Your ex is a cunt!

We are a similar amount of pregnant (congratulations by the way) and my DH is taking SPL.

For every week of SPL the father takes, the mother forgoes a week of leave, as well as SMP or MA that they would otherwise get.

So for example I do fixed term contracts so won't be in work when baby comes, but am eligible for MA and DH can have SPL because I have done enough weeks in the 60 weeks leading up to due date. I am eligible for 39 weeks Maternity Allowance, but DH is taking 26 weeks SPL on full pay so that I can go back to work sooner - so I will only get 13 weeks MA.

If your ex takes 20 weeks SPL from your shared 'pot' of eligibility, he is doing you out of 20 weeks SMP/MA.

Thanks ikeatatprincess and congratulations to you too

I'm entitled to 52 weeks and for my job to still be there, but it's 6 weeks at full pay then down to SMP after that

Due to me having to sort out a place to stay (going through mortgage process which is stressful in itself ) I won't be able to live on SMP when I add up all my outgoings, so I'll need to go back pretty quickly after the 6 weeks is up

His employer gives 26 weeks at full pay before stat begins, so his understanding is take away my 6 weeks and he can have the remaining 20 getting full pay from his work. This is my first so I really don't know how it all works, my heads all over the place!

I think you'd be best off finding flowery on the legal or employment boards for advice. She's really good.

I'm presuming if he signs forms saying he's going to be looking after the baby for 20 weeks and then doesn't then he's done something illegal. Although no one comes round to check it'd be pretty weird to colleagues if there's no photos and no stories of how he's getting on on KIT days.

Oh god I feel your pain - trying to sort out a mortgage etc whilst dealing with all that must be very stressful.

I recommend giving DWP Maternity people a call on 0345 608 8610 to talk it through - it may take a while to get through but there might be something you are missing that would help with costs going forward, and allow you to take more time off if that's right for you. Also try citizens advice - I'm sure they have specialists who have dealt with your kind of situation before.

I know my DH had to sign to say he would be caring for baby during his time off too.

Morning,

Sorry I didn't realise you meant full pay. I am self employed and so I didn't get maternity pay.
That's why I was wondering. Clearly the stat mat pay isn't enough to run a house on when you are doing it single handed.
X

Your understanding of how you split leave is correct, but if you don't give permission for your workplace to coordinate the leave with his workplace then he won't be able to take it. You also will not be able to put him on the birth cert if he doesn't attend to register the baby with you and I assume that his workplace will need to see the certificate to confirm the birth took place.

Just tell him youre taking the full entitlement, don't fill in any forms or hand over documentation, job done!

OP please please please seek benefits advice - when the baby arrives you will be entitled to support that could mean you can stay home with your baby for longer. So please please take the support the state offers ! I think entitledto.com is one of the websites that many MNers recommend - ?
Also please check how much £ your ex (what an absolute arsehole btw!) will need to contribute. I think there is a calculator on the website of the child support agency or whatever it is called these days. This will also help your finances and you are very much entitled to it so do please claim it.
It makes me so sad to think of you having to go back to work after six weeks if you don't want to !

I feel stressed just reading this what a prize wanker.

It doesn't sound like it will be a problem to prevent him from SPL. totally agree with you, it's the principle! Look into benefits though I believe you will be entitled and it may help you to have longer at home.

Are you going to claim child maintenance from the swine? Or even put him on the birth certificate? If it was me I would probably do without but I tend to die hard living by the principle

Do you think he might come round? Do you want him to? I have a friend whose H (then bf of a yearish) had a similar reaction. The night before her abortion 😰 they got back together and went ahead with it. He's now 4, they are married and have had a little girl this year. I get the impression he's a bit bit of a cocklodger still (between the lines) mind you. personally I would struggle to trust/rely on either of these wankers after that kind of behaviour but these two are managing/she is lovely and far more tolerant and less emotionally driven than I ¯\(ツ)/¯

OP - I'm single and 33 weeks pregnant. My maternity pay = 6 weeks 90% pay followed by SMP. I have spoken to the tax credits office and been told that I will be eligible to receive some tax credits. There is also child benefit. If you would be renting you would be eligible to probably also receive housing benefit.

I would hope that with that you would be able to stretch your time off to 3 or 4 months at least.

Sorry you're in such a crap situation. Your ex sounds awful. This must all be such a shock At least you're finding out now that he's a selfish twat rather than further down the line.

Thanks Podrig. In a strange way I do still hope deep down that he'll all of a sudden grow a pair and it could be worked out, I've loved him for 4 years and I still do (wish I didn't but I guess I'm a sap!) but you're right, I think with all that's happening just now I doubt I could ever fully trust him to be fully invested, especially since there's soon to be a mini person to consider... he has always been money minded, and I'm just not at all. I know it's necessary but I'd rather be getting by but happy that having the additional stress of going down the child maintenance route. I kind of hope that even if he won't be there emotionally he would probably still contribute financially off his own back x

Ineednewshoes thanks, I'll definitely have a proper look in to what I'd be entitled to benefits wise. I actually really love my job, it's just the thought of having to leave baby so early that's hard, I'd worry so much about missing out on that amazing first stage

The thought of single parenting is so daunting isn't it!

Laura - it is daunting but I must admit at this point that this is a path I have chosen so I've had far longer than you to adjust to the idea!

I spent what would have been savings on fertility treatment. The saving grace to my financial situation is that I own my own home and the mortgage repayments are very low (£440pcm) so probably as affordable as any rent/mortgage possibly could be. But owning does mean I'm not eligible for any benefits towards housing costs, where as you could be if you find you have to rent (I'm afraid I don't fancy your chances of being given a mortgage in your situation).

I work freelance so my work is very flexible. I've taken on a project for July (baby will be 2 months old) when I will need to rely on my parents for childcare for two weeks (but they'll still bring baby to me to feed) and then will resume freelance work 1.5 days per week from September (baby will be 4 months), then I intend to work 3 days per week from January. My work is flexible and I'll be able to do bits of it with the baby present.

I really don't think you'll want to leave baby much before 6 months if you can possibly help it, so please do look into all your options. Citizens Advice can be a good place to start.

DH and I took SPL. In order to do it you both need to fill in a pile of forms, some of which go to his work and some of which go to yours. If you don't fill the forms in then he won't be able to take the additional SPL. He doesn't need your MAT B1, that goes to your employer only.

He sounds totally useless. I would get maintenance set up ASAP as doesn't sound like he will do anything of his own accord.

You may well be entitled to an interest in the house if you have contributed to the mortgage. You'd need to get legal advice on that.