WWYD in relation to this childcare issue

[yummymummycleo]

Ok so I am in a tricky situation and don't know how to address it with dm. I don't want to sound entitled but I do need an answer and some commitment or not.

Basically my dm said no to any regular childcare for ds now 4 and dd now 1 several years ago when asked when I went back to work part time after ds. We accepted that and organised our own childcare. She does do the occasional day here and there when asked and she's free and does babysit which I appreciate.

However, over the past couple of years dsis has gone back to work full time and my dm is doing lots of free childcare for dsis and Bil. Not every week but very regularly and now their eldest is at school every holiday. Not all holiday as they have bil side of the family who will do it too. I feel like my dm offers to help them and keeps these times free as she knows dsis will need her. She also looks after their youngest as he only does half days at pre school regularly but again not every week. So they basically have free childcare all the time whereas we have to pay for dd and top up for ds so it's a lot. My job is only term time so we don't need childcare in the holidays but it really gets to me how unfair the situation is and how dsis need seems to trump ours.

Anyway, this is the thing I need advice on. We are thinking of putting ds into private school and my df has offered to help us out as he has with my siblings. However the more I think about it the more it's seems like it isn't viable financially for us as the holidays for the private school are different to state school holidays. I d never be at work if I took both off! And paying for ds in holiday club and dd childminder as she doesn't get the free hours yet would make it practically the same as what I earn.

I would like my mum to be fairer in her division of childcare and help us out as she does dsis. How do I approach this without sounding like I am comparing and being grabby. I am nit grabby and accepted it when dm said she wouldn't do regular care for us but find it very upsetting that she practically does it for my dsis. However, it's difficult as we would need a certainty that she would do it whereas with my dsis she seems to offer. Making me look bad when I ask to even things up. Dsis has bils family to ask instead if my dm says no whereas we have no backup.

I was wondering about just saying I ve been thinking about the private schools and don't think it's doable because of this and see what her response is. I would be upset if she doesn't consider matching what she does for dsis but then consider she could end up with three under 6 which wouldn't be fair! What would happen if dsis and I ask fir the same weeks? Dsis has other people willing to help out so could easily get around this and have dm do another week whereas we don't.

WWYD to bring up the subject with dm?

Also if she only saying 'maybe' and is saying she can't have all the children together it might be better to have a back up plan.
You may find once the kids are settled in school there is a friend who you can do reciprocal childcare for? Not so easy at first, but by the time they are 6/7 it does get easier. If you do some favours for others it is always easier to ask for them back.

Why does pride come into it?

You are cross that she's not offering free childcare to you but you are also cross at the idea she might pay for childcare.

If my kids need childcare help, damn right I will help financially not personally do the childcare, because I won't be inclined to it.

I imagine your DM pays for holiday clubs because she can afford to do so and she is desperate for a rest!

I sort of feel for her - she has ended up with a lot on her plate, most of which she didn't exactly plan or commit to but probably feels she now can't get out of.

As for you, I think your life sounds pretty good and you have parents who do help you but you have a rotten case of 'comparison is the thief of joy' which is making you feel dissatisfied.

Yes, your mum does more childcare for your sister. But that is not a personal attack on you, though I think your mind is registering it as such, on some level, and you are feeling wounded.

Your children won't be tiny and in need of lots of childcare forever. You have a wonderful gift from your dad with his school fees offer. I think you'd feel a lot happier if you could practise gratitude more. I don't mean that you are ungrateful at all, but so much focus of what you write is about what you haven't got/ been given rather than what you have. Imagine the weight that would be lifted from you if you let the constant comparison go.

And I say that as someone whose parents have had very different arrangements with us children on many matters, including childcare of grandchildren. But I know they love me as they do all of us.

Really well put, ovenchip

I'm in a similar ish situation. My parents have helped my younger sisters with hefty deposits and regular childcare. They are going to help my brother (much younger) to buy a property when he's ready to move out.

We've had no help with housing and only minimal childcare. It does sometimes bother me BUT we own a large house (the biggest out of all of us) and have always sorted out our own childcare. So really I think it's just my parents' perception of who needs help. It doesn't make sense on paper (one of my sisters earns twice what dh does for example) but we were fortunate with property and hours worked.

It did used to bother me a lot tbh but I've worked hard in my own feelings and now it just washes over me.

Stop relying on your parents altogether. Send your dc to the local school and organise childcare for yourself. This backwards and forward with your mum and comparing with your sister is just pissing your off so don't join in with it. Your parents have already been very generous in giving you help with your house and very generous in offering to pay for private school but it obviously isn't getting you a good relationship is it? Just go your own way and then you can meet up as a family on a more equal footing.

My dm shouldn't be paying for my childcare

No, just providing it for free

Sounds like your DM feels obligated to help out your DSis even if she doesn't want to.

It's a shame that your view of fairness is to insist that your mother puts herself out even more for the sake of equality instead of you recognising that your sister might just be taking advantage. You seem to be suggesting that neither you nor your sister could sort things between you and your spouses because it's too much hard work looking after 4 so why is it okay to expect your DM to give up even more of her time and plan her life around your needs ?

This isn't about your DM favouring your sister but about the two of you pressurising her to make your lives easier at her expense. The unfair treatment is by you and your DSis to your DM,

You have too much pride to let her pay for childcare but will happily take as much free childcare that is offered. It looks like your mum doesn't want to do as much childcare as she is doing and is struggling. If you want to be the better person then just sort your own childcare out, pay for it yourself and don't involve your mum.

The children are your responsibility and you need to arrange your life and finances so you can deal with them yourself.

but will happily take as much free childcare that is offered.

No she wants more than what has been offered. She has now pestered her mother into a corner where she felt she had to agree to doing childcare. I notice her mother didn't give a firm answer. That says it all for me. OP you need to work on taking hints.

one I have now come round to your thinking having read the views put over by blistory and nerr
I wouldn't rely on her helping tbh and just accept you are getting an amazing deal with the private school.