WWYD in relation to this childcare issue

[yummymummycleo]

Ok so I am in a tricky situation and don't know how to address it with dm. I don't want to sound entitled but I do need an answer and some commitment or not.

Basically my dm said no to any regular childcare for ds now 4 and dd now 1 several years ago when asked when I went back to work part time after ds. We accepted that and organised our own childcare. She does do the occasional day here and there when asked and she's free and does babysit which I appreciate.

However, over the past couple of years dsis has gone back to work full time and my dm is doing lots of free childcare for dsis and Bil. Not every week but very regularly and now their eldest is at school every holiday. Not all holiday as they have bil side of the family who will do it too. I feel like my dm offers to help them and keeps these times free as she knows dsis will need her. She also looks after their youngest as he only does half days at pre school regularly but again not every week. So they basically have free childcare all the time whereas we have to pay for dd and top up for ds so it's a lot. My job is only term time so we don't need childcare in the holidays but it really gets to me how unfair the situation is and how dsis need seems to trump ours.

Anyway, this is the thing I need advice on. We are thinking of putting ds into private school and my df has offered to help us out as he has with my siblings. However the more I think about it the more it's seems like it isn't viable financially for us as the holidays for the private school are different to state school holidays. I d never be at work if I took both off! And paying for ds in holiday club and dd childminder as she doesn't get the free hours yet would make it practically the same as what I earn.

I would like my mum to be fairer in her division of childcare and help us out as she does dsis. How do I approach this without sounding like I am comparing and being grabby. I am nit grabby and accepted it when dm said she wouldn't do regular care for us but find it very upsetting that she practically does it for my dsis. However, it's difficult as we would need a certainty that she would do it whereas with my dsis she seems to offer. Making me look bad when I ask to even things up. Dsis has bils family to ask instead if my dm says no whereas we have no backup.

I was wondering about just saying I ve been thinking about the private schools and don't think it's doable because of this and see what her response is. I would be upset if she doesn't consider matching what she does for dsis but then consider she could end up with three under 6 which wouldn't be fair! What would happen if dsis and I ask fir the same weeks? Dsis has other people willing to help out so could easily get around this and have dm do another week whereas we don't.

WWYD to bring up the subject with dm?

one you and your sis are in a totally different situation from each other, you may feel differently if you were in same situation as sis but they didn't want to pay for your course/car & also wanted to charge rent.
Nobody should 'expect' free childcare and should see it as a massive bonus if it is offered.
I think it is easier to be put out by what our own parents do. My parents have always been unequal in terms of childcare. My in-laws have always been unequal financially and have helped out DHs siblings loads but not us. However I would never question what my in-laws offer & have no feelings either way about what they do for DHs siblings.
I think we'll have to agree to disagree.

one you and your sis are in a totally different situation from each other, you may feel differently if you were in same situation as sis but they didn't want to pay for your course/car & also wanted to charge rent.

Indeed which is why I offered the scenario with my EXMIL and her daughter as it's comparable.

Nobody should 'expect' free childcare and should see it as a massive bonus if it is offered.

Yes, exactly.

I didn't expect free childcare when we first talked about it and accepted it when dm said no. It's now that dsis is getting it that's got my back up.

One- your example is totally different and you and your sister are in completely different places. Dsis and I are in exactly the same situation pretty much and so yes I think it is fair to expect we are treated the same. Dm herself has said previously she has always tried to do things equally so it grieves me more when this isn't.

For what it's worth dsis has always got handed more things than me on a plate than me. She had her phone paid for late into her 20s, got to borrow my mums car for free long term and my mum paid the tax,insurance and repair when she broke down. Her and bil and 2dcs stayed at their house free of charge for up to a year when they were having their house renovated. Dm has given dsis her bike so she can get to work. There are several things which I have never said anything about and just thought oh well about but this childcare issue I am finding it difficult to get past. It just seems one sibling is so much more favoured.

I think siblings should be treated the same when they have the same needs and in the same situation like we are. Yes, probably they should be treated differently in big age difference or totally different personalities but we have the same needs and if anything my needs are greater.

I just can't understand why she doesn't want to look after my dcs but does dsis. I ve asked her if she finds my dcs difficult because they one is younger than dsis dcs so perhaps more attention needed but she said no if anything they are better. I wouldn't mind if she was looking after neither of our dcs I just can't get past why there is such a difference. When dsis was a SAHM she looked after dsis dcs lots of evenings and weekends when they had various social events on which again I accepted as fine. It's just the way she said no to me but is doing it for dsis and doing it so they have no childcare costs.

But again the situation with you and your sister isn't the same. You need set times but your sister is flexible. Your mum has stated she won't commit to regular childcare, she may do a fair bit for your sister but she doesn't do it to a set schedule.

One- your example is totally different and you and your sister are in completely different places. Dsis and I are in exactly the same situation pretty much and so yes I think it is fair to expect we are treated the same

Again, this is why I offered the scenario involving my EXMIL and EXSIL. Same situation as you.

I'd suggest offering to help with your dsis's dc childcare during the holidays, to free up your dm's time when you need it.

Wt- she does in a sense. She does atleast a week every holiday aside from what she does in between. That IS regular childcare and I guess the dates aren't set in stone but doing holiday childcare is.

I know this sounds harsh, but they are your children and are yours and your DH's responsibility. That's the bottom line. Your DM owes you nothing so any help that you get from her is a bonus.

There is nothing stopping you from checking in again with your DM about her feelings on providing some regular care a few weeks of the year, but if you do this from a position of feeling like you are treated unfairly or that she owes you, it will not end well. You have to be prepared to take 'no' for an answer with grace.

If you can't afford the childcare during the private school holidays, then you can't afford the private school.

Reading between the lines, this sounds like its about more than the childcare issue. Have you asked yourself honestly why this is upsetting you so much? There's got to be more to it.

Antihop- maybe but then I d have 4dcs under 6, that's quite a challenge and dsis 4 and almost 6 yo are very lively. They initiate play fights constantly with each other and my ds it's pretty hectic when they are together.

I think MIL to DIL relationship is very different to dm to dd relationship.

Plus, BIL s parents who are split up come down from several hours away every holiday too for a week to two weeks at a time so I suppose it adds to my upset as they already have lots of childcare from them. I said to dh I wonder if that's why dm does it as she feels she has to do equal help that they do whereas because we get nothing she doesn't feel she has to match up to anyone on our side.

2cats I agree they are our responsibility and only ours and that's why I accepted it when dm said no initially and when MIL also said no regularly and very occasionally takes dcs if I work. BUT once she started doing it for dsis it seems that rule doesn't apply to her.

I totally agree I will not bring up dsis when I discuss it with dm tomorrow or mention anything about fairness. I will keep it very much about my feelings without accusing dm or anything. It upsets me too as she spends so much more time with dsis dcs and feel she has less of a relationship and cares less about my dcs so will approach it from that point of view. But if she does say no I am not sure if I would be able to stop myself from saying something in relation to dsis and ask dm why it is one rule for her and one for me. These feelings have been building up over a long time and I feel I need to express them.

What's your end goal in expressing them, cleo?

That IS regular childcare and I guess the dates aren't set in stone but doing holiday childcare is.

But it's having the date set in stone that your mum has refused in the past isn't it? And it's dates set in stone that you need hence her feeling able to help your sister but not you.

Could you and your sister not club together for a nanny or something?

If you're worrying about paying for holiday care for private school can you actually afford the extras that private school would entail? Trips, sports, music, uniform etc? What would happen if in 5/10 years time your parent's could no longer afford to send 4 (or more) children through private school, that's a heck of a lot of money.

"Mum when x starts private school like his cousin I'll need you to help out when the school holidays don't overlap with the state, if you don't then x will have to go to state school. Will you be able to help out on that basis or not?"

That is your question to your Mum, I think if you don't ask you'll feel resentful any way so you may as well bite the bullet.

Agree with random. Facts not feelings here!

My end result is dm commits to covering the overlaps of terms.

I wasn't going to be so direct. I feel that is putting her to ransom abit by saying we won't put ds in private school unless you do this. I didn't want to say that. I was thinking the subject would come up anyway as the application deadline is today and ds assessment day is soon so I was going to say
' well I ve been thinking about ds going to x school and the more I think about the practicalities of it the more I think it might no be doable. The holidays overlap too much so I would have to take lots of time off and would hardly be at work! This would be a big pay cut of about £1,000 a year or by the time we pay for holiday club for ds and childminder for dd we would make a loss on my wage. Whereas if we went to the local primary school we wouldn't have this problem' .,,,,,,,

Very long pause. She what her reaction is to that. Then I was wondering whether to then ask about childcare and say ok it can be ad hoc but could she keep them free to help out as I feel that's what she does with dsis. She organises her diary around what dsis needs So always available when she asks but we get a lot of nos when I ask. Or so it seems. She may even bring this up herself as she does moan about having dsis dcs to me but never says no.

Or- leave it at this if there is no answer to mull it over and maybe talk to df about it. As I feel she is much more likely to accept it if she mulls it over and decides she wants to help out because df really wants him to go to private school rather than me coming across as grabby by asking. My dsis seems to get away with asking dm so much more and it's fine but I look like the bad guy. She seems to get what she wants a lot better than me.

I think your DSIS is better at getting what she wants because she is direct!

The truth is if she doesn't help DS can't go to the private school so be honest and tell her that, let her make the choice about childcare based on the facts. Your DM doesn't think you need the help because you say "I NEED you to do this, we can't afford the childcare" whereas I suspect your DSIS does...

If you don't put DS into private school what are you going to say when they ask why? Then bring up the childcare for them to say - "you just had to ask I would have helped".

You can't pussyfoot around and drop hints.

yummy I am with you on this one & agree that the relationship with DIL/MIL is different as you don't have the same expectations.
You have happily accepted not getting childcare help & only expect to get some help because DSIS is.
I think it is reasonable to hope that you and DSIS might get treated the same, as you are essentially in the same position.
I think you do need to make it clear that the private school thing might be tricky with no help for a couple of days a week when they are on hols.
Is it the same school as DSIS kids will also go to? I think it might be good to offer to have DSIS kids for maybe a day a week to help her out then your DM might be more likely to help you out if she isn't always on call for your DSIS.
Long-term you will need to up your hours at work so you can afford the holiday clubs & as others have said some of the extras like trips and music lessons do add up. Is there no option to go up to 3 days p/w?

Yes dsis ds1 is there already in yr1 and ds2 due to start in sept (subject to the assessment day) alongside my ds (also subject to the assessment day)

I ve decided to put the thought out there about it in the words I said in my previous post and then leave it for dm to mull over. Ds might not even get into the private school so the conversation wouldn't need to be had. I have said my feelings on it before and my dm knows I think it's not fair. She has started to do very occasional Tuesdays for me whilst I work and still occasional babysitting but nothing like dsis gets

Long term plan is to retrain and earn more. Probably up my days when dd is 3 and gets the free hours. Either working and studying or just studying. Then get better paid job and probably up days again when dd starts school and I ve hopefully finished the course. When dd gets the free hours we will probably be ok paying for ds to go to a holiday club if dm can't do it any longer as only one lot of childcare to pay for.

But new job might not be term time only so that could cause whole new set of problems but we d manage by then as hopefully I d be paid more and dd would be getting the free hours with a manageable top up for out of term time.

Update- spoke to dm last night. She actually brought the overlaps in holidays up as dsis ds goes so he has lots of holiday already. She's argreed to have ds for the overlaps but only when she's around. Previously this had lead to many nos as she doesn't keep these days free but she said she does try to plan around the holidays. That's why dsis gets so much childcare I guess. She did say she wouldn't have my ds and dsis dcs at the same time though so will speak to my dsis about it. As I only need two days whereas she needs a whole week and she has back up snd she needs all holiday whereas I don't hopefully she would allow me to have the days I need as she will still be getting way more than I do. Dh reckons MIL would help too which I am not sure it true but we ll see.

Something else she said made me think ffs though. Turns out when she finds having them too much and thinks there's a holiday club they would enjoy she sends them there. I asked who pays for that and she said she does! I couldn't bloody believe it and couldn't hold my tongue. So now not only does dsis get free childcare dm also pays for it too. Unbelievable I think. It has pissed me off even more.

I couldn't believe it and told dm so. I told her they should pay for it and that they pay no childcare at all but she said she ll do what she wants so I had no answer for that. She obviously has no intention of changing it. I think dsis much really play the we re so hard done by card.

Made me laugh that people on here think I am entitled well I ve nothing on my dsis

Um

But would she do that for you? Because that would solve the problem of her not wanting to commit , if she would use a club on days she said yes but didn't actually feel like it?

She said maybe she would so who knows. I guess she might. I might suggest it if weeks overlap and she ends up with 3 dgc . I wouldn't let her pay for it though. I obviously have more pride than my dsis. My dm shouldn't be paying for my childcare

yummy what is the set up with MIL? My parents always prioritized my DB but my MIL has been amazing. Never had to take a day off with kids being ill (although they have probably a day a year off, sometimes no days). We don't get any childcare if we want to do anything social, however PIL are helpful during term time and take into school a morning a week.
It sounds like your DSIS has played the working FT card & has made out like she is broke at the same time. Maybe they don't like her having to work FT and so are trying to make up for that. I know my DP always prioritised my DB because they didn't like the fact that he had to do a lot of housework :) Never mind I work long hours and also do housework.....
It doesn't sound like your DM can cope for too long though if she is having to send them to holiday club. Maybe best option is to use some sort of holiday club and ask her to pick them up for an hour or so and give them tea?