WWYD in relation to this childcare issue

[yummymummycleo]

Ok so I am in a tricky situation and don't know how to address it with dm. I don't want to sound entitled but I do need an answer and some commitment or not.

Basically my dm said no to any regular childcare for ds now 4 and dd now 1 several years ago when asked when I went back to work part time after ds. We accepted that and organised our own childcare. She does do the occasional day here and there when asked and she's free and does babysit which I appreciate.

However, over the past couple of years dsis has gone back to work full time and my dm is doing lots of free childcare for dsis and Bil. Not every week but very regularly and now their eldest is at school every holiday. Not all holiday as they have bil side of the family who will do it too. I feel like my dm offers to help them and keeps these times free as she knows dsis will need her. She also looks after their youngest as he only does half days at pre school regularly but again not every week. So they basically have free childcare all the time whereas we have to pay for dd and top up for ds so it's a lot. My job is only term time so we don't need childcare in the holidays but it really gets to me how unfair the situation is and how dsis need seems to trump ours.

Anyway, this is the thing I need advice on. We are thinking of putting ds into private school and my df has offered to help us out as he has with my siblings. However the more I think about it the more it's seems like it isn't viable financially for us as the holidays for the private school are different to state school holidays. I d never be at work if I took both off! And paying for ds in holiday club and dd childminder as she doesn't get the free hours yet would make it practically the same as what I earn.

I would like my mum to be fairer in her division of childcare and help us out as she does dsis. How do I approach this without sounding like I am comparing and being grabby. I am nit grabby and accepted it when dm said she wouldn't do regular care for us but find it very upsetting that she practically does it for my dsis. However, it's difficult as we would need a certainty that she would do it whereas with my dsis she seems to offer. Making me look bad when I ask to even things up. Dsis has bils family to ask instead if my dm says no whereas we have no backup.

I was wondering about just saying I ve been thinking about the private schools and don't think it's doable because of this and see what her response is. I would be upset if she doesn't consider matching what she does for dsis but then consider she could end up with three under 6 which wouldn't be fair! What would happen if dsis and I ask fir the same weeks? Dsis has other people willing to help out so could easily get around this and have dm do another week whereas we don't.

WWYD to bring up the subject with dm?

Ok, but when your DS starts at school in 6m or so (is his name already down for private infants?) he and they will be that bit older? And by next summer, older still?

Hopefully between you, DM and BIL, covering the holidays should work.

one the OP doesn't come across as grabby at all. I can see why it seems unfair.
yummy I would contact the school and ask if they do anything like a holiday club. There must be other working parents in the same situation. Then you should have that to fall back on.
I do think you should be able to at least ask if your DM can cover the first week of the school hols for you. Yes it is set in stone, but isn't anywhere near like a couple of nights a week every week for 39 weeks a year.
My parents did this with me & my DB and it does lead to resentment. I have been accused by my DB of using my Mum for lots of childcare. She nearly fell off her chair when I told her he had said this - bearing in mind his DC went there every weekend despite them not being at work. So we have been unable to see my parents at the weekend because of this arrangement. DM has them occasionally in half term for 2 nights or something & this is apparently using her.

How many days in a month on average does your dm have your sisters dc?

Your first post is quite confusing, you say she doesn't have them much but then say she has them a lot.

I can see why you think it's unfair but you're skating on very thin ice if putting your dc in private school is reliant on having X amount of free childcare from your mum.

Even if you bring it up with her and she agrees to have them X days a week/per holiday, you can't ever rely on this as permanent IMO. What if you have a falling out with her and the offer is withdrawn in 12 months time? What if she falls ill and is unable to provide the care any longer? Would you be left in a position where you were unable to afford to pay for childcare for the very long private school holidays and then have to withdraw your dc?

The only way I would accept free regular childcare from a family member (if offered, I would never ask) is if I could afford to put the amount that it would have cost me to have a childminder in a savings account every month.

one the OP doesn't come across as grabby at all.

Why have you addressed this to me?

Period- yes I take your point and it is a point I ve thought myself and will talk about with dh against sending him to private school. It would give us an easier life practically if he just went to the local state school. We are very torn about it. I don't know if it's right to take the opportunity away from ds because it's not practical for us at the moment.

However looking at the long term picture our need for dm could be short term as once dd gets the free hours April 2019 we would be able to afford holiday club if we get stuck for ds much better. Hopefully by the time dd goes to school I will have a better paid job and working more hours so paying x2 lots of childcare is more doable. It's our fault for having dcs close together, I recognise that.

Thanks, I probably shouldn't lead to resentment but I think it's inevitable it will when one sibling and set of grandchildren are being favoured so much more and their need seems to trump my own. It seems very poor dsis. She does work ft so I expect it is Hard but her dh works part time so really they are in the same situation as us just in reverse.

It wouldn't be the whole private school holiday as I am term time only to state school holidays. Overlap is not that much.

It's hard to say how much she does monthly. I think I don't know about some of it as it's only really during the holidays dm mentions it as we meet up as the cousins get on very well. Possibly It can be nothing for a couple of months and then 2/3 mornings for couple of weeks or every other week. It's definitely atleast a week every half term, Easter and more over summer. I spoke to dm today and she said bil seems to be working lots of whole days at the moment which gives me the impression half days during term time have now turned into whole days which again got my back up. Bil is freelance starting his own business so again I think dm feels more obligated to say yes.

Should be April 2018 she gets the 15/30 free hours if they still exist by then

Can you get a job in a private school?

Astro I don't want to teach on a contract. I am looking to retrain once the children are older.

Just did a comparison between private school and suspected state school dates(can't seem to find official ones from sept for our cc) and it really would be very few days. I only work two days a week anyway so obviously would do my own childcare the other days.

one you have accused OP of being jealous so probably not right to use grabby. But you seem to think OP should just think it's ok and not feel hurt. Obviously lots of people have no help and sort themselves out.
OP if you only work two days then it shouldn't be too expensive to use holiday club? Why don't you just ask your DM as it would only be DS for a couple of days rather than whole week.

Indeed, jealous. I didn't say grabby. Grabby was a word OP herself used.

But you seem to think OP should just think it's ok and not feel hurt.

No I don't, I think OP should get rid of the idea that she is entitled to childcare from her parents. She isn't. She can be as hurt as she likes and her mother may be being unfair but that doesn't create an entitlement to the same treatment from her.

Has your father helped out your sister with school fees too? Because I'd think that this was a greater commitment than some childcare.

Matilda

Op said that he had, yes.

Thanks Helen. Sorry, OP - I did miss that your sister had help with fees too. I did RTFT, honestly.

If he will help with fees, OP, might he help with the holiday club costs? As it's only a few days a year, it's not huge, even if he loans it and you pay him back when you have retrained?

Helen- I would feel funny asking for help towards the holiday club. He offered with the private school fees and has helped us with our house too and I don't want to ask him for more.

I suppose it's the fact dm helps my sister so much that I feel it should be fairer but wouldn't ask for more money

I don't know if jealous is the right word but I certainly feel upset that she's getting all this help and having no childcare costs as a result whereas I suspect our income is less, our children are at a more difficult age and we are forking out x2 lots of childcare

She can be as hurt as she likes and her mother may be being unfair but that doesn't create an entitlement to the same treatment from her
Surely you should treat your children in the same way? I can totally see why OP feels a bit sad. I don't think she would expect childcare - however her sister gets helped out. That is why there is some expectation there. Presumably if parents were too old/far away/still working/frail etc. then there would be no expectation of help.

Surely you should treat your children in the same way?

Why? The are individuals with different strengths and weaknesses what would they need to be treated equally as grown ups with their own families?

Maybe DM doesn't want to look after DSis kids? Maybe DM doesn't want to be landed with more??

Surely you should treat your children in the same way?

No, you don't. You treat them in the way that you think best suits their individual needs (you don't give a plaster to the one who hasn't grazed their knee) and to the best of your ability...when they are children. When they are adults you get your own life back and get to decide how to spend your free time.

Example, my sister is 1 year younger than me. She still lives at home free of any charge (she is 29) She has had funding from my parents for a college course, a year in Australia, a car including tax, MOT and insurance, holidays she went on with my mother and lots of smaller things over the years.

I left home at 19 and have two children. I would not want to be funded by my parents or to live in their home. I don't want to holiday with my mother or have her pay for my car. I have however had childcare from them and help moving house, my father provides DIY support in my house and I've had help to pay for solicitors in the past.

My sister and I have different needs and it is at my parents' discretion how or if they choose to support us. My sister wouldn't appreciate childcare assistance because she has no need.

It would be entirely inappropriate to treat us the same.

He offered with the private school fees and has helped us with our house too and I don't want to ask him for more yet here you are moaning about not getting childcare thrown into the bargain

one sounds like you get help with childcare then? Why so judgmental of the OP?

Yes I do get childcare help, (weekend care if I have a night out, or have to work on Saturdays, my childminder who I pay for provides all the weekday care) does that mean I have to hug the OP and tell her she is right to demand the same from her mother? my parents offered to do childcare. OPs mother has stated she doesn't want to. Can't you see how the situations are different?

I'll give you a more comparable situation. My DCs paternal grandmother provides weekly childcare for her daughter's DC (4 children) for free. Would I be right then to demand she provides the same for my DC so I didn't have to pay for childcare? They are all her grandchildren after all.