Advice needed re inappropriate chat between pre-teens

[Wadingthroughsoup]

Could really use some wisdom on this as I can't work out the best way to handle it.

My DD is (just) 11 and in Y6. She has a 'boyfriend' who is also just 11 and in Y6. They are really good friends and he's a nice lad. Introverted and brainy and seems sweet. I'm on 'small talk' terms with his mum and he occasionally comes round for tea or to play on a weekend.

He and DD sometimes chat on an app on their iPads. I've always been clear with DD that I will regularly check her messages, but not sure whether the boy knows this.

Just now, I've had a look through the messages and there are a lot from him over last couple of days. Lots of 'I love you' and poetry and infatuation-type stuff. A bit intense but not too scary.

Then he's written a message saying 'I keep having weird fantasies about you' followed by 'I want to tell you something but I feel dirty about it'.

DD hasn't replied to any of these messages and I'm not sure she's even read them.

Of course, I could have the wrong end of the stick but I feel really uneasy about it. 😕

WWYD?

Welp, that's a tricky one! I don't have kids yet but personally, I would have a word with the boy's mum. Let her know you're not angry or upset but you felt she should be aware.

Hopefully, she'll be able to sit him down and chat to him about it. If you approach him, I expect he'd be mortified and it might damage the friendship your daughter has.

Do you have the boy's Mum's number? At 11, I think I'd be talking to her. He hasn't done anything wrong, yet, but unchecked, this sounds like it could lead them into sexting etc. You could ask if she checks his messages and just say that you feel the tone of the conversation between your children has recently changed and that some of the messages are making you feel uncomfortable (true) and perhaps it's time for both of you to talk to your kids about what they send to each other online? I don't think you need to be any more specific than that.
Then talk to DD and look at the messages together and see what she wants to do. Maybe she could send something polite but discouraging back? DD won't be surprised that you've read her messages, as it is something you had previously agreed. She may have seen the messages and been unsure about how to deal with it - a conversation with you, and 'permission' to cool off the friendship, delete the app or whatever, may be a relief for her. On the other hand, she may brush it off and just tell him to calm down and be able to continue the friendship as before - you know your child, and whether she is likely to be upset or just laugh it off.

PS maybe emphasise in the conversation with your DD that there's nothing 'dirty' or wrong about sexual feelings, in the context of an adult relationship, and it's fine to be thinking about these things, but she's very young, and sharing those thoughts and ideas with other people is risky, especially when it is done online.

Thank you Fairy, I was wondering about doing that.

It feels like a delicate situation because of course it's not wrong to be curious about sex-related stuff at that age, nor to have hormonal urges. But it would be wrong if two 11 year-olds got too far into that a conversation about sex, wouldn't it?

Plus of course at the moment, it appears one-sided and I don't know how DD feels about it.

Crossed posts- thank you Couch, really good advice and I feel reassured.

I would talk to the boy's mum as pp suggested, and I would speak to your dd about it as well.

Things can't be unseen or unheard. My 13yo dd saw extremely rude videos sent by someone she didn't know.

I also check their phones (which she knows) and was shocked at what was on there.
She hadn't told me because she knew it was wrong and she didn't want to get her friends into trouble (they'd invited this adult male onto a group chat and he'd sent these sexual images/video straight away).

She was banned from social media and had her phone removed for several months. Once I was sure she understood the need to let me know what's going on and to not get involved in such things (and why), she was allowed her phone back.

So make sure your dd knows what's appropriate and that if she feels uncomfortable, or knows something is wrong, that she comes to you knowing she won't be in trouble.