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Original poster

feel so angry that I allowed this to happen.

103 replies

lost2016 · 04/09/2016 15:50

Hello,
I am not sure whether this is the right place to post as it is a bit of a strange one.
Bank holiday Monday I was waiting at the train station, when this man around 50 odd that I had seen a few times before at the station said 'good morning, lovely day' and asked me whether it was a Saturday service and got on his train......
The next day he came over to me and started to talk to me about how frustrating it is that today he has to catch 2 trains as they've stopped the one that goes straight through where he needs to go. Next thing I know he's asking me where I work, where I live and what time I finish work.
I stupidly told him, not my actual street but area, I am so annoyed with myself, I am 32 and should've known better, so what the hell made me not lie - or better still what stopped me from telling him to mind his own business? Unfortunately my jacket I had on states where I work but the rest I should've known better.
I got on the train and so did he, he sat next to me and started telling me how he's recently divorced etc, I feel sick that I have someone old enough to be my dad trying to hit on me, probably just for a quick bonk up where he's recently divorced.
The next day came ( Wednesday) and I was hoping he wouldn't be there and it really stressed me out that he sat next to me again.......why can't I just tell someone to leave me the f alone. I really felt uncomfortable with him and his advances, to the point my colleagues were asking what was up.
I don't think I would've minded if he had been in his middle 30s early forties and not asking such personal detail minutes after talking to me, oh yeah and not recently divorced.
So on Thursday I stayed off the platform and only went onto it when I saw my train coming in - so I got on the back of the train rather than the front and I did the same on Friday, avoiding him like the plague.
Did I do the right thing here or should I have been a little more aggressive and told him to shove it? I don't get why I couldn't tell him to mind his own or to leave me alone, I think as I have got older I have mellowed a lot as when I was teens to twenties I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him to get lost and I never had men old enough to be my dad hitting on me anyway. I have had a lot of c**p in my life and have been let down by the police more times than I have had hot dinners, so I think this has something to do with it. I know I am old enough but if I told him to get lost I feared his reaction - which could've lead to the police being called - so I walked away.
I feel so dirty, so angry at myself.............
Anyone else been in a situation like this or know of someone who has?

OP posts:
Footle · 04/09/2016 17:10

This 'hitting on' thing - is that phrase part of the problem ? It gives the event a sort of suppressed violence. Could you think of it as him wanting a chat with someone instead, unless he gives you real cause to worry ?

trafalgargal · 04/09/2016 17:10

"You wouldn't say this to a rape victim"

Bloody hell some bloke you don't fancy so don't want to talk to has the nerve to chat to you . You chat back and then regret over sharing. You seriously compare your experience with that of a RAPE victim?
Are you for real????

BIWI · 04/09/2016 17:11

An AS of your posts would indicate that you do have a bit of a dramatic way of responding to other people. You don't sound very happy - I think the suggestions that other people have made here about counselling would be definitely worth pursuing.

Pinkerbeller · 04/09/2016 17:11

You can get counselling on the NHS. It's usually only for 6 weeks and there's a waiting list but it's better than going without due to finances.

This might be helpful, it's an online assertiveness training course (free) that you can fit into your own schedule.
www.openlearningworld.com/books/Assertiveness%20Training/ASSERTIVENESS%20TRAINING/index.html

Floggingmolly · 04/09/2016 17:12

Comparing yourself to a rape victim is cringy, op Hmm. He asked you questions (that some people might have felt were personal) and you voluntarily answered them.
Whatever his intentions were; there was no follow up to this; he hasn't molested you in any way. What is the link between you willingly engaging in conversation with this guy, and someone being assaulted against their will?
You sound a bit odd, tbh...

magicstar1 · 04/09/2016 17:13

Your reaction sounds way over the top to me.. Where I'm from, people have conversations like this all the time. I've often chatted to older men, and women. Normally of the first questions would be "are you from round here?" or "where are you from?"

LookMoreCloselier · 04/09/2016 17:18

I agree, his questions are not the problem, but he made you feel uncomfortable and like he was hitting on you, none of us were there so that is obviously the vibe he was giving off. My advice would be - do not worry about the answers you gave him, our neighbours, colleagues etc would all know more information about us than that and some of them will be pretty much strangers. As for how you deal with him going forward, I think if he is still 'pestering you', then politely tell him you don't feel like chatting on the train... OR you could out-weird him, start behaving very oddly yourself so that he is the one avoiding you, this approach takes serious guts though hahaha. Grin

fastdaytears · 04/09/2016 17:20

You wouldn't say this to a rape victim

Wow. That's quite the comment.

You've also compared yourself to a child being groomed for sexual exploitation. That isn't right.

No one is saying to ignore your instincts and make friends with this guy. But you've wound yourself up in a way which is difficult to understand and you genuinely seem to feel like a victim in this.

He was a chatty guy with dodgy boundaries. I doubt he was hitting on you but I wasn't there. Even if he was, this isn't a normal reaction and you need to find a way of finding out why.

SestraClone · 04/09/2016 17:23

I lost all sympathy for you when you decided that he must want to grope/molest/rape you purely because he chatted to you.

I chat to lots of new people. I do not fancy them nor do I want to sexually assault them.

SestraClone · 04/09/2016 17:26

Ok, a search of your previous posts highlights that you are lacking in coping mechanisms for dealing with people. Reaching out for help is definitely the way to go.

quicklydecides · 04/09/2016 17:27

Bonkers

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/09/2016 17:31

I'm out. Ridiculous op. Hmm

Monkeyinshoes · 04/09/2016 17:35

I would have felt creeped out too. Those questions wouldn't feel like normal conversation with someone I've just met.

We're often taught to ignore our instincts, we end up thinking it simply wouldn't be polite to question the motives of someone just talking on the train. It can mean women end up talking and answering questions we don't want to so that we don't appear rude. However the specificity of his questions doesn't feel right to you, not to mention we have no idea of his body language or tone of voice. Only you know that and it didn't feel right. If that's your instinctual reaction, then listen to it.

I would try to avoid him. I did bump into him I'd tell him I'm busy, make up some excuse or simply say I didn't want to chat today. Anyone who's nice would respect this and leave you alone, if he ignores your request then you know you were right.

emotionsecho · 04/09/2016 17:37

Indeed, Alis utterly ridiculous.

WannaBe · 04/09/2016 17:37

Comparing yourself to a rape victim is bloody offensive. Angry why are you so desperate for people to see you as a victim?

The man chatted to you. You answered his questions. That's all.

Asking someone where they live is general conversation. "Oh, you live in X? Where abouts?" Would be normal conversation for someone who lives in similar area. "What kind of work do you do/where do you work?" Yep, again, a question I would ask someone I had chatted to randomly.

Making the leap between general chit chat which you participated in and becoming a rape victim is hysterical and shouldn't be indulged/pandered to. There are real, genuine victims in the world. You are not one of them.

I suggest you see your GP for some help because clearly you have issues in communicating with people.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/09/2016 17:47

SestraClone is right - looking at your previous threads does suggest that you might benefit from seeking some help in how to interact with people and maintain a sense of perspective and how to keep your reactions in proportion. You had a previous thread about a cold caller in which you also state how "angry" you are with yourself for your response to the situation.

I do think you should look into counselling.

tiredvommachine · 04/09/2016 17:54
Confused
sandragreen · 04/09/2016 17:58

Oh dear. Yes OP previous threads indicate she gets unfathomably furious at what most of us would deem normal social interaction with colleagues etc.

Please do get some help via your GP lost I am sure you don't have to feel like this, there is help out there. Flowers

DavetheCat2001 · 04/09/2016 18:24

I notice that OP appears to have no children in one thread, but a daughter in another.. Hmm

emotionsecho · 04/09/2016 18:36

sandra having checked it appears OP does - the 'colleagues asking about my daughter' thread being a prime example, definitely needs help as these over the top reactions to everyday interactions are not normal.

GrimmauldPlace · 04/09/2016 19:18

You need help, op. I completely agree with trusting your instincts and would never minimise someone's feelings by telling them they shouldn't feel that way. You felt uncomfortable I get that. But the way you have responded to people on here and then to go on to compare yourself to a rape victim as well as demanding people only respond with specific comments is not normal.

AyeAmarok · 04/09/2016 19:28

Ah.

Having now read the colleague thread, I see this is a pattern of behaviour.

FrancisCrawford · 04/09/2016 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FathomsDeep · 05/09/2016 16:59

I'm sorry this man made you feel uncomfortable and agree you absolutely should trust your instincts. I was absolutely on your side until you compared yourself to a rape victim.

I've been raped as it happened. And while I wouldn't wish to diminish your distress about this man chatting you up inappropriately, I really don't think what happened to you is comparable to forceful penetration with a hand around your throat, is it?

MidniteScribbler · 07/09/2016 01:56

There is nothing wrong with a person choosing to approach another, even with the intent of a possible date/relationship/sex. If they persist when you demonstrate that you are no longer interested, that's when it crosses the line.

How do you think most people meet their partners, or their friends? Someone has to start a conversation with the other.

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