feel so angry that I allowed this to happen.

[lost2016]

Hello,
I am not sure whether this is the right place to post as it is a bit of a strange one.
Bank holiday Monday I was waiting at the train station, when this man around 50 odd that I had seen a few times before at the station said 'good morning, lovely day' and asked me whether it was a Saturday service and got on his train......
The next day he came over to me and started to talk to me about how frustrating it is that today he has to catch 2 trains as they've stopped the one that goes straight through where he needs to go. Next thing I know he's asking me where I work, where I live and what time I finish work.
I stupidly told him, not my actual street but area, I am so annoyed with myself, I am 32 and should've known better, so what the hell made me not lie - or better still what stopped me from telling him to mind his own business? Unfortunately my jacket I had on states where I work but the rest I should've known better.
I got on the train and so did he, he sat next to me and started telling me how he's recently divorced etc, I feel sick that I have someone old enough to be my dad trying to hit on me, probably just for a quick bonk up where he's recently divorced.
The next day came ( Wednesday) and I was hoping he wouldn't be there and it really stressed me out that he sat next to me again.......why can't I just tell someone to leave me the f alone. I really felt uncomfortable with him and his advances, to the point my colleagues were asking what was up.
I don't think I would've minded if he had been in his middle 30s early forties and not asking such personal detail minutes after talking to me, oh yeah and not recently divorced.
So on Thursday I stayed off the platform and only went onto it when I saw my train coming in - so I got on the back of the train rather than the front and I did the same on Friday, avoiding him like the plague.
Did I do the right thing here or should I have been a little more aggressive and told him to shove it? I don't get why I couldn't tell him to mind his own or to leave me alone, I think as I have got older I have mellowed a lot as when I was teens to twenties I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him to get lost and I never had men old enough to be my dad hitting on me anyway. I have had a lot of c**p in my life and have been let down by the police more times than I have had hot dinners, so I think this has something to do with it. I know I am old enough but if I told him to get lost I feared his reaction - which could've lead to the police being called - so I walked away.
I feel so dirty, so angry at myself.............
Anyone else been in a situation like this or know of someone who has?

But you answered his questions... He's probably totally unaware of what a deep seated effect they seem to have had on you

Please only reply if you are going to be sympathetic to my feelings. Most posters are bt don't agree with you.

For the to do that they would have to say that he is a truly weird individual and yes, you need to be safer... which is scaremongering of the worst kind and won't help you.

From what you have said this middle aged man is chatty, that's it. It is very normal behaviour, talking to people, asking questions, getting to know them, being friendly, passing the time on a train.

It is not really all that usual to be off with your partner because of such stuff. Maybe the reason you have done that is all wrapped up in the fact you seem to feel you have been wrong, as well as wronged, in not telling this chatty man to go away.

You said in your OP that you feel 'dirty'. Do you, perhaps, also feel guilty? As if the man chatting to you is somehow a sign of infidelity on your part?

That is all cod psychology of course, but may help you, may make you more frustrated, angry with posters here.

But the bottom line is that you seem to be overreacting to a talkative individual and overthinking your reaction, or lack of, to his having spoken to you!

There is a vast difference between a 14 year old girl and a 32 year old woman, how is that relevant?

I am sympathetic, just gently suggesting you're overreacting.

I always thought that type of question was normal small talk- just trying to find common ground. Where do you live? Oh yes do you know x from the shop/school/gym. I used to live there and go to y school, do you know it?

I take it he didn't push for your address or specific location? If not it's likely small talk- if you're wearing work uniform surely it would have been easy to figure out where you work anyway.

I have been "through this", many times. A chat on a train, a bus, some people just want someone to talk to. It doesn't mean they want sex with me, and i treat it like that. A polite goodbye if I don't want to repeat or carry on the conversation.

I wouldn't worry too much. Men will always chance their arm. Maybe he fancied you and thought, well, no harm ever came from trying

I do hear you though. I find it uncomfortable too that older men just routinely view women young enough to be their daughters as women to hit on, but I guess we just have to accept that and all 'we' (women) can do is not bend ourselves out of shape if we aren't too responsive back. A polite formal ''yes lovely day, indeed'' after a pause. They'll see that you're polite if that's important to you, but not chatty.

You're in ways and people have responded. It seems such an over dramatic response to something that most people have told you sounds pretty normal bahaviour.

Would you like us to just nod and say yes you should feel dirty and angry rather than help you see it was possibly nothing to get so get up about?

whisperinglouder and pinkerabella I think you could be right. Yes I have considered counselling but there isn't any reasonable priced in my area.
When this first happened last week I even thought about doing an assertiveness course and maybe some self defence too as you just never know. I mean what would've happened had I carried on as I was on the platform - I don't really know but I believe I partly did the right thing by walking away.

God knows why you're getting such arsey replies. Yes, he was trying to hit on you. Yes, it's happened to many of us, many times each. It's just the way life is.

What's interesting is your reaction and your thoughts about it now. There's no reason for you to feel dirty! Some geezer overrates himself. It's a common problem

As to alternative ways of handling it - well, there are dozens and they're appropriate to various circumstances.

You can carry on evading him until he gives up. You can wait for your train as usual then, when he tries to strike up conversation, tell him politely-but-firmly that you don't want to talk and/or aren't interested in a new friend.

It would be wrong to go all out aggressive in this situation, but there are times when it would be right.

As to the future - maybe take a little pause before answering people? Women are mainly socialised to "be nice" especially to men. The truth is we're in charge of our own lives. So use that tiny pause to decide whether you want to engage and how much. It's okay to tell people you're busy/preoccupied/want to be left alone. It's okay to answer questions vaguely, sidestep them entirely, and to ask "Why do you want to know?"

You'll be fine :)

I don't think anyone is trying to have a go at you - more that people are pointing out that he may not have had any bad intentions. Of course how you feel is valid and it sounds as though it may be worth looking into some kind of assertiveness training if you feel you can't brush people off and have to put up with them.

But do hear what people are saying that to ask questions like that is often normal. Not for you, obviously, but for others on here. I frequently quiz people within minutes of meeting them, like AyeAmorak I'm as nosey as anything and a real extrovert to boot so I'll chat to anyone. Luckily I'm not an older man so it doesn't make people nervous (I hope).

But only you were there and you may well have got vibes we can't get over the Internet. You're not being at all unreasonable to avoid people you don't want to talk to. But it might be worth looking at your anxiety levels over this and exploring that further with someone.

I think I understand OP, and some of these responses do seem rather unempathetic.

Sometimes things can sound perfectly reasonable when written down, but this clearly isn't conveying what you feel you experienced.

None of the things this man has said/done may be wrong or inappropriate in theory, but he may well have been giving off a creepy vibe, which is what you are responding to.

YANBU. Of course you're going to feel uncomfortable as a woman travelling alone when approached by a nosy man who starts asking unwelcome personal questions.

Next thing I know he's asking me where I work, where I live and what time I finish work. This is all really intrusive to ask a complete stranger. I suppose there are ways to ask these questions without being creepy though. If he asks "Are you local?" or "Will you be enjoying all this sunshine after work then?" that leaves it up to you to decide how specific to be with your answers - you might just say "yeah I live not far from town" and "yeah I might be finished in time for a BBQ later!". And that's fine, it's friendly conversation. But "what time do you finish?" and "where do you live?" puts you on the spot to give specific answers and it can feel awkward to dodge these kind of questions when you're a generally friendly person.

If you were being very friendly and chatty then it makes sense for him to strike up and continue a conversation. But if you're not exactly thrilled to be engaged in conversation with him, he should really pick up on those signals - signals like only giving short answers, and not trying to continue the chat. Obviously you don't have to be rude, you can still smile and nod, but then go straight back to reading your book/newspaper/phone.

I think you're doing the right thing by getting on the other end of the train in future. That way it's clear that you're not interested in being his travel buddy.

Cross post re assertiveness and self defence course - I'd have a look at that

I'm the world's biggest advocate of assertiveness training! Yes, do it! Do several!

If he wasn't hitting on me why did he ask such personal questions within minutes of starting to talk to me?

Maybe he's from the North?

You can't stand at a bus stop/in a cheese queue/ waiting cross a road up here without holding a deep and meaningful conversation with everyone else, sharing information about families, jobs, homes, wildest dreams. We are an incredibly nosey gregarious people and our culture is to ask questions, answer them, and join in conversations which have nothing to do with us if we overhear even one interesting word. Or even if we don't. So far he has done nothing that is "worrying" except go on about his divorce (I do think he is chasing you up, actually) but I can see what you want to nip this in the bud.

He may be just being friendly - but if he makes you feel uncomfortable, take something official-looking (e.g. files) and pretend you have to read them for work. Also, headphones as others have said. Or maybe casually drop into the conversation that your boyfriend is in the SAS/Marines?Green Berets and so jealous that he nearly killed a lollipop man who put his had out behind your back when you were crossing with some school kids. He didn't even touch you but nearly ended up wearing his lollipop (you could give a tinkle little laugh here).

Or get another job

If he is recently divorced he may be lonely and trying to make some sort of human contact at a very difficult time. Lonely people can be more prone to over sharing and you probably just have a friendly face so he thought you wouldn't mind a bit of a chat.

When I was at uni I used to get the train regularly. I almost always ended up chatting to random strangers. One chap (who was definitely at least late 60's) chatted to me for two hours and told me his whole life story. It was absolutely fascinating to talk to someone different and not once did I think he fancied me!
Some people are just really open, some people just don't have a chance to talk to anyone else. I think you have gone a bit ott with this.
I guess if you feel uncomfortable then all you can do next time is just politely explain you do not want to talk and move away.

*chatting up, not chasing

As women we are always told to trust our gut instincts.

OP, if this man made you feel uncomfortable then steer clear of him. Don't worry about being rude, you don't have to interact with him.

Plug in the earphones, open a book and ignore him. If he's a decent sort he'll get the message and leave you alone - if he doesn't, then don't feel bad about telling him where to go.

Sounds like he's lonely and/or nosey to me, nothing you say he said makes it sound like he was trying to hit on you. I would also try to avoid him though, but I'm anti social and like my own space!

The options you gave yourself were all at the extremes: answer all his questions; lie to him; tell him to mind his own business; imagine involving police (!); hide off platform; avoid him like the plague.

Maybe that's why you didn't do anything directly with him and are tying yourself up in knots over it. Every option you've given yourself is pretty extreme.

You hadn't considered the perfectly normal option. "I don't want to be rude but I'm not really up for chatting on the train, it is my quiet time. I need to read my paper / listen to music / look out of the window quietly. "

That's what I've done in these situations. It doesn't assume any particular motivation on his part, just tells him how you feel and what you are going to do. Simple.

You are overreacting enormously. So a man has asked you a few questions, he's trying to be friendly? If he has got the wrong idea and wants to ask you out, all you have to say is, I have a boyfriend or You're actually a bit out of my age range (if you don't have a boyfriend).

I don't get why you feel 'dirty' what a weird way to feel. It's not like he's touched you up on the train.

I've lost count of the number of people who have told me their business within minutes of talking to them on public transport. Both men and women. I have never felt as if the men were hitting on me, ever.

Sometimes people chat. Sometimes people feel that they can tell a stranger thingS about their life because the stranger walks away and they may never see them again.

And ime people do make commuter friends. I know I did when I was commuting - used to see the same people who I would talk to or would talk to me.

My top tip for life on public transport: always have a book stashed on you. Fights the boredom if there are delays. Great way to block talkers.

oh come on, asking a STRANGER where they live and work is not "polite conversation"

I'm as socially awkward as the next person and even I know to ask "what do you do for a job" instead of exactly where if making small talk, giving people an "out" to be as vague or specific as they are comfortable

and why the fuck should the OP have to make herself feel uncomfortable just because this man wants to socialise with strangers a the trainstation, even if he's not trying to shag her?

Yeah I'm Glaswegian and we are very much a chat-to-anyone-about-everything breed. That's just normal questions to pass the time of day.

Not dismissing your feelings, just saying that it might have been a creepy divorcee hitting on you, or it might have just been a friendly chatty man who would be very upset to know that he'd made you feel so uncomfortable.

Assertiveness training sounds good. Actually, I think I could do with some of that too