feel so angry that I allowed this to happen.

[lost2016]

Hello,
I am not sure whether this is the right place to post as it is a bit of a strange one.
Bank holiday Monday I was waiting at the train station, when this man around 50 odd that I had seen a few times before at the station said 'good morning, lovely day' and asked me whether it was a Saturday service and got on his train......
The next day he came over to me and started to talk to me about how frustrating it is that today he has to catch 2 trains as they've stopped the one that goes straight through where he needs to go. Next thing I know he's asking me where I work, where I live and what time I finish work.
I stupidly told him, not my actual street but area, I am so annoyed with myself, I am 32 and should've known better, so what the hell made me not lie - or better still what stopped me from telling him to mind his own business? Unfortunately my jacket I had on states where I work but the rest I should've known better.
I got on the train and so did he, he sat next to me and started telling me how he's recently divorced etc, I feel sick that I have someone old enough to be my dad trying to hit on me, probably just for a quick bonk up where he's recently divorced.
The next day came ( Wednesday) and I was hoping he wouldn't be there and it really stressed me out that he sat next to me again.......why can't I just tell someone to leave me the f alone. I really felt uncomfortable with him and his advances, to the point my colleagues were asking what was up.
I don't think I would've minded if he had been in his middle 30s early forties and not asking such personal detail minutes after talking to me, oh yeah and not recently divorced.
So on Thursday I stayed off the platform and only went onto it when I saw my train coming in - so I got on the back of the train rather than the front and I did the same on Friday, avoiding him like the plague.
Did I do the right thing here or should I have been a little more aggressive and told him to shove it? I don't get why I couldn't tell him to mind his own or to leave me alone, I think as I have got older I have mellowed a lot as when I was teens to twenties I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him to get lost and I never had men old enough to be my dad hitting on me anyway. I have had a lot of c**p in my life and have been let down by the police more times than I have had hot dinners, so I think this has something to do with it. I know I am old enough but if I told him to get lost I feared his reaction - which could've lead to the police being called - so I walked away.
I feel so dirty, so angry at myself.............
Anyone else been in a situation like this or know of someone who has?

"I've lost count of the number of people who have told me their business within minutes of talking to them on public transport. Both men and women. I have never felt as if the men were hitting on me, ever."

yeah, that's okay (if a bit annoying at times), but not in the same ball park as asking someone exactly where they live and work.

If someone wants to tell people that, that's fine, but being put on the spot about it by a stranger is not cool

I have nothing against speaking to men at all, I speak to a lot of male customers and colleagues, so I don't feel its infidelity in anyway.
Yes maybe there is a big age gap between 14 to 32 BUT if I put that I was 14 just what he's asked/said to me would be seen as perverted, so because I am 32 I should get over myself BUT THIS IS HOW I FEEL, I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE, I FELT LIKE HE WAS FLIRTING/ HITTING ON ME AND NO IT ISNT NORMAL FOR SOMEONE TO AKS YOU WHERE YOU LIVE OR WORK WITHIN MINUTE OF STARTING TALKING, OR TO ASK YOU WHAT SHIFT YOUR ON AND THIS WOULD BE WEIRD EVEN IF ANOTHER FEMALE ASKED ME THIS. None of you were there, so you can't really judge me by my reactions.
I want to hear things like I am so sorry he made you feel like that, I would've probably felt the same and like one person has said about how it makes here cringe knowing men old enough to be her father hit on her.
So I am supposed to just sit back and accept it am I NO WAY
And no the majority of you aren't being sympathetic, you are making me feel like I am the one in the wrong, when I have don't nothing wrong.
No he didn't ask for my address but then how do I know if he may have done if I had continued talking to him on Thursday or Friday.
I tell you what I will go onto the platform tomorrow etc and see what happens then and when I am groped or raped or attacked later down the line I hope you can all sleep at night with how I am now feeling - which is worse than before I wrote this. goodbye.

2dogs2kids, I was going to suggest living in a small place of a northerly persuasion too !

I agree it's unusual for strangers to strike up conversation on a commuter train, but it's not completely unheard of. I used to travel with four strangers on the same train every day and we ended up sitting with each other - sometimes chatting, sometimes not. We were a mix of ages and sexes - it was really great and I miss it!

It's hard for any of us to tell whether he was hitting on you, as we weren't there: those questions could have been him trying to chat you up, or equally be friendly conversation. BUT there's no need to feel obligated to continuing the conversation at all if you don't want: take a book, and deflect any attempts to strike up a conversation with "sorry, I'm at a really exciting bit of the book, and i'm trying to finish it before I get to work" type put offs. It also helps you making eye contact on the train, if you want to avoid that. AND there's no reason at all for you to feel dirty, even if he was trying it on.

I don't understand this at all. He made you feel "dirty" because he spoke to you on the train?

Have you had some very unpleasant previous experiences that have left you with PTSD?

It does sound like you need counselling as this is a very strange reaction to feel this "angry" because a stranger asked you some fairly mundane questions.

What most people on here are actually trying to do is to point out, sympathetically and with understanding, that you seem to be overreacting a touch to what is a fairly normal situation: two people chatting on the station to pass the time.

And there is perhaps some confusion about why this makes you feel dirty and angry.

And you can't really begin a thread and then insist that posters only tell you what you want to hear and that they are only allowed to reply with a certain type of reply - and then shout at them when they don't obey: that isn't how real life discussion/conversation works.

You can see why people might feel that the problem isn't entirely with the man on the station...

I think I understand OP, and some of these responses do seem rather unempathetic.

Sometimes things can sound perfectly reasonable when written down, but this clearly isn't conveying what you feel you experienced.

None of the things this man has said/done may be wrong or inappropriate in theory, but he may well have been giving off a creepy vibe, which is what you are responding to.

Thank you for this post, he did feel quite creepy to me and telling me about his divorce, well as someone said he was chatting/ chasing me.

And someone else said as women we are trained to be in tune with our gut instinct and my gut instinct is saying something wasn't right and with my gut instinct I am not usually wrong.

you are making me feel like I am the one in the wrong, when I have don't nothing wrong

but but but you came on here moaning about how you felt you had done the wrong thing and asked us if you had done the right thing and what you should have done.

Did I do the right thing here or should I have been a little more aggressive and told him to shove it? I don't get why I couldn't tell him to mind his own or to leave me alone, I think as I have got older I have mellowed a lot as when I was teens to twenties I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him to get lost

I tell you what I will go onto the platform tomorrow etc and see what happens then and when I am groped or raped or attacked later down the line I hope you can all sleep at night You are working yourself up into a right state about a bloke who either tried to chat you up or just make friends and kept on trying when you didn't shut him down, in fact you gave him loads of personal details which he might reasonably interpret as you being interested. He probably thought you were into him.

I think it's the sort of thing where you really had to be there. On paper it could read like this guy is chatty and just passing time or it could be quite threatening, he asks you about your comings and goings, where you live etc. Only you know what kind of vibe he gave off, what your instincts told you. I personally find it difficult to tell strangers anything about myself and yet people are always opening up to me about all sorts while waiting for the train etc. But I think this is different. This man may unaware of boundaries etc, he may really fancy himself or he may think you younger than you are and maybe you remind him of his daughter. It's obviously triggered something for you op, and that is what you need to sort out. Maybe it's good that this happened so you can make a plan of action as to where you go from here. I think the fact he sat next to you is a bit much tbh and as you don't want to encourage any further interaction I would be as cool towards him as you like. But don't let him upset you or anyone else for that matter.

OP I'm sorry you don't feel you're getting what you need from posting but it does seem like your natural reaction to this is to catastrophise and that's what other posters have picked up on.

It wouldn't be helpful to feed into your catastrophising. What I believe posters are doing is wanting you to take a wide angle view of this situation and see how your beliefs are feeding your response to this man, and that examining those beliefs will be more help than agreeing that you should be feeling how you are.

And yes you lot think he might not of done anything wrong by what he said/ asked could've been a way of lawring me in, could've been innocent but could've been his way of getting me to trust him.....a little like a man does to a child.
I have never experienced any sexual assaults or anything in that nature.

Lost 2016
He sounds like a nosey git to me with no sense of social awareness.
He shouldn't have in effect trapped you like that by sitting next to you and waiting for you the next day - repeating the same.
I think you are cross with yourself (as I would be too) for being too polite and open and not telling him to (politely) get lost.
Don't be hard on yourself, all you can do is learn by it, and be ready for him/it in the future.

Bloody hell - now you are accusing this man of the intent to grope/rape/attack you.

If he was flirting with you there are many ways of rebuking pleasantly and without offence. There are ways of not engaging with someone.

But you are so completely overreacting it's quite bizarre.

Then take a magazine, headphones and a glazed expression with you on Monday and avoid him.

Maybe sit next to someone else, rather than finding your own space.

Reduce his opportunities for contact without the need for confrontation.

Chances are he will just start talking to someone else and your gut instinct will relax, having done its job.

But please, do think about why your main reaction is to feel dirty and angry and to take some of that out on your DP. You can't let compete strangers affect you to that level without trying to work out why - and then finding ways to deal with it. That would be an incredibly uncomfortable way to live.

Just in case that sounds judgemental, I really do mean that sincerely. Good luck.

lost2016 Well - that escalated quickly.

Nobody here has accused you of being unreasonable that I can see - many people have suggested reasons why he may be talking to you and tried to reassure you that he may well just be a chatterer or chancing his luck rather than be a real threat to you.

As far as I can see we have ALL suggested that if you feel uncomfortable FOR ANY REASON you are being perfectly reasonable not to encourage his conversation. Nobody told you to sit back and accept it. That's just nonsense (and makes me wonder if you are particularly easily upset). I do think you see to have over-reacted to the comments on here. And that is NOT a criticism, BTW - it is a comment. We all have different levels of anxiety and reactiveness - it is the way we are, and not a fault of any type, but sometimes we need other people to let us know that our reaction is possibly an extreme once (hence the AIBU thread on this site).

Your remark that you will go and see what happens then and when I am groped or raped or attacked later down the line I hope you can all sleep at night is just silly. Where has t been suggested that you put yourself in danger, or even continue with a conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable?

People have suggested ways to end this situation - some polite, some less so, some tongue-in-cheek - but NO-ONE has suggested that you just put up with it or allow it to escalate.

You do not have to feel uncomfortable - but only you can tell him "I'd rather not talk, thanks." And you have every right to do so.

bit at all the people saying it's 'normal' to ask where someone lives, where they work and what time they finish. I would be uncomfortable if a stranger started asking me these things, whatever age or gender they were really, although I would probably feel more uncomfortable if it was a man than a woman. This may not be right/fair but you can't help your initial feelings about someone. I'm also one who doesn't like people talking to me when out or commuting.

As for why you allowed this to happen OP - simply because you didn't want to be rude and it's very hard when someone is asking you direct questions to reply "actually I'd rather not say." You just need to learn how to be more assertive who doesn't?

It's difficult being put on the spot. At least after this you will be ready if it ever happens again!

Ha X post op! Your last post said what I said only more succinctly! I gotta type faster, I just gotta!

You haven't done anything wrong but I don't think he has either. I don't think he's done anything worthy of an aggressive response from you. By all means get on another carriage for a bit, or if you need to just give one word answers.

Some people are very chatty and he may be a bit lonely but it doesn't mean he's hitting on you.

And I felt bad for telling him, I felt annoyed at myself for giving out such information when its not like me at all. I never gave out my number, address or name even.

in fact you gave him loads of personal details which he might reasonably interpret as you being interested. He probably thought you were into him.
And this comment makes me feel like I am in the wrong........would you have said this to a rape victim? thought not

But you aren't a child .....yes if he'd spoken in this way to a child it wouldn't be normal .....but at thirty something it is extremely unlikely you'd be mistaken for a teenager or a child. It was two adults passing the time making conversation , if you don't want to make conversation then either don't reply or stick your nose in a newspaper. Is this seriously the first time a random adult has ever struck up a conversation in a public place with you before ?

I don't think I would've minded if he had been in his middle 30s early forties and not asking such personal detail minutes after talking to me, oh yeah and not recently divorced.

But he was invading your personal space in a way you didn't like. I think his age is a bit irrelevant. Unfortunately women do have to device strategies to keep men at bay whilst in public spaces. Some men just don't have a problem approaching women and it doesn't occur to them that they might be causing an issue - or they don't care because they think it's their right to chat to you, whether you want to chat or not.

In a more benign interpretation, some men just don't realise that as a woman travelling alone, you might not want this kind of interruption and might feel threatened by it.

For anyone who doesn't think that some men feel they have a right to talk to a woman in public no matter what, read this www.themodernman.com/dating/how-to-talk-to-a-woman-who-is-wearing-headphones.html

I want to hear things like I am so sorry he made you feel like that, I would've probably felt the same and like one person has said about how it makes here cringe knowing men old enough to be her father hit on her

But you can't dictate what people say to you - which is why you started this thread anyway. You can control your reaction and tbh you seem incredibly defensive.

Lost2016
Don't let posters make you think it is right to ignore your instincts about him. He would have pissed me off as well, because I can't strangers trying to be too familiar with me and impose themselves on me - which is exactly what he did to you.

No one forced you to give any personal information. As an adult you get to choose what you share. If you struggle with doing that then I agree you'd probably benefit from some assertiveness training. This man doesn't appear to have done anything wrong though, more you've over reacted to an encounter most people wouldn't give a second thought to.

Why are you wanting to feel like a victim? Much more sensible and less stressful to accept he's just being polite, maybe in your opinion didn't read the same book about never asking someone their place of work etc , but he's done nothing wrong.

Did you ask him to not talk to you? No, so he's not ignoring you.

Did you move away and he follow you? No, so he's done nothing wrong.

Feeling as a victim when nothing has happened isn't helpful.

OP you said you'd been so affected that it had caused trouble with your dp? Would you mind if I asked how it had caused trouble?