abusive husband?

[Jenmam2013]

Hello, I'm so confused. My husband (who I have a daughter with) is lovely most of the time, but every so often he blows up. I'm not sure what I should do? Is this abuse? Am I wrong in anyway way. I'm posting a very recent example (still waiting for him to come home so probably going to get worse) - which has left me shaking and crying. As background, I have an oil leak in my car which happens when its on a downwards slant. Its also due its MOT - so I rang garage and they said lets get it through its MOT first. So I said yes - and it failed on a few things, including tyres, so I paid 210 to get it fixed and decided to leave the oil leak till I get paid when I have more money (currently in overdraft). I told the garage this and they didn't think that would be a problem. But my husband is adamant that the oil leak is very dangerous and I could be killed! Anyway, this is the conversation we had just now. I just want to know if you think this is abuse - also if I have done anything wrong (I want to know!) What should I do in general and What should I do when he gets home?

[16/07, 10:09] Me: Just got to keep checking oil till I get it sorted x
[16/07, 10:09] Me: Oil leak x
[16/07, 10:09] Me: Only thing left x that was just getting it past mot
[16/07, 10:09] HIM: Why not fix now?
[16/07, 10:10] Me: Cost x
[16/07, 10:10] Me: Can't afford it x
[16/07, 10:10] Me: Hope film is good xxx
[16/07, 10:11] HIM: How much?
[16/07, 10:11] HIM: Tell me?
[16/07, 10:11] HIM: How much?
[16/07, 10:11] HIM: How much?
[16/07, 10:12] HIM: How much to get oul fixed?
[16/07, 10:12] HIM: Oil fixed?
[16/07, 10:12] HIM: How much?
[16/07, 10:12] HIM: How much?
[16/07, 10:13] Me: Don't know x
[16/07, 10:13] Me: They were just testing it x
[16/07, 10:13] Me: Mot
[16/07, 10:13] Me: Why ask me in that weird way?
[16/07, 10:14] HIM: So didnt fix oil?
[16/07, 10:14] Me: No x
[16/07, 10:14] HIM: Sud they know its broken?
[16/07, 10:14] HIM: The oil?
[16/07, 10:14] ME: When I rang they said to get it through mot first x
[16/07, 10:15] ME: Yes they know x they said oil leaks are not emergency just have to keep an eye
[16/07, 10:15] HIM: Do they know the oul it broken?
[16/07, 10:15] ME: So I have decided to wait till I get paid
[16/07, 10:15] HIM: Do they know the oul is broken?
[16/07, 10:15] ME: Yes
[16/07, 10:16] ME: I answered that above x
[16/07, 10:16] HIM: Did they tell you want it was?
[16/07, 10:16] ME: No because they didn't look at that x
[16/07, 10:16] HIM: Why not get it fixed at the same time?
[16/07, 10:18] ME: Because they said best thing to do is get it through mot first so I went with that. x I can schedule in for them to fix oil leak after pay day? Do you not think I should wait?
[16/07, 10:18] HIM: No
[16/07, 10:18] HIM: How do you know it might have cost 10 pound
[16/07, 10:19] HIM: And you could have done it then?
[16/07, 10:19] ME: OK I will call now and arrange if you want x
[16/07, 10:19] HIM: Give me the phone number
[16/07, 10:20] ME: Personally I would rather wait till I have money. Could be hundreds to fix the oil leak
[16/07, 10:20] ME: Why you so angry?
[16/07, 10:20] HIM: How you know that?
[16/07, 10:20] ME: Google x
[16/07, 10:20] HIM: Did they say that?
[16/07, 10:20] ME: No
[16/07, 10:21] HIM: Why did they not look?
[16/07, 10:21] ME: You want to ring Them?
[16/07, 10:21] ME: Because I didn't ask them to o!!!!!!!
[16/07, 10:21] HIM: Give me the phone number
[16/07, 10:22] HIM: So you took your car to the garage as the oil was leeking but didnt ask them to look at the oil?
[16/07, 10:22] ME: 01913757444
[16/07, 10:22] HIM: Then got charged 210 pound for what?
[16/07, 10:22] HIM: You got a bill
[16/07, 10:22] HIM: Of what they did and cost?
[16/07, 10:22] ME: I told them the list of things and that it needed to get mot so they said best get it through mot first
[16/07, 10:23] ME: Yes x got mot certificate etc
[16/07, 10:23] HIM: You got a bill
[16/07, 10:23] ME: Yeeeeesssss
[16/07, 10:23] ME: Lol
[16/07, 10:23] HIM: Of what they did and the cost?
[16/07, 10:23] ME: You are crazy x
[16/07, 10:23] ME: Lol yes
[16/07, 10:23] ME: Yes
[16/07, 10:23] ME: Yes
[16/07, 10:23] ME: Yes
[16/07, 10:24] HIM: Your oil goes and your engine will sese
[16/07, 10:24] HIM: And will you will fucking die
[16/07, 10:24] HIM: Thats my problem
[16/07, 10:24] ME: Jeeeeezzz
[16/07, 10:24] HIM: You idoit
[16/07, 10:24] ME: It's leaking a tiny bit
[16/07, 10:25] ME: I'll ring x
[16/07, 10:25] HIM: You idoit
[16/07, 10:25] ME: Just to chill you out
[16/07, 10:25] ME: Idiot?
[16/07, 10:25] ME: Or do it?
[16/07, 10:25] HIM: Exactly
[16/07, 10:25] ME: Lol
[16/07, 10:25] HIM: Im ringing them and kicking off
[16/07, 10:26] ME: What!!!???
[16/07, 10:26] HIM: Then im kicking of on you
[16/07, 10:26] ME: I'll ring x
[16/07, 10:26] ME: Stop being abusive to me
[16/07, 10:26] HIM: Thanks for spoiling tge film too
[16/07, 10:26] HIM: Bitch
[16/07, 10:27] ME: Why am I a bitch?
[16/07, 10:28] ME: You just told me you were going to kick off at me. Which is scary
[16/07, 10:28] ME: You scare your own wife!!
[16/07, 10:28] ME: How have I spoiled the full?
[16/07, 10:28] ME: Film?
[16/07, 10:30] ME: Car going to get checked on Friday x they said if it's a big thing they can't fix it so going to try a different garage now x
[16/07, 10:32] ME: I can see your point if view in a way but it's the fact that you are kicking off at me and calling me names. Im sorry but that is just not right 🙁 now I'm scared of what you are going to do when you get home and that's not right either :(
[16/07, 10:34] ME: Actually no x I will stick with the current garage. If its a small thing they will fix it rather than saying it's a big thing x
[16/07, 10:39] ME: I'll sorry if I spoilt the film :( I didn't understand your anger but fair enough x
[16/07, 10:39] ME: I will get oil leak sorted asap
[16/07, 10:39] ME: Hope [daughter] is OK xx
[16/07, 10:40] ME: They said they had another garage that they use if they can't do a big job x
[16/07, 10:41] HIM: I will ring them
[16/07, 10:41] HIM: After i see bill
[16/07, 10:41] HIM: Dont do anything
[16/07, 10:41] ME: OK x but they are good. It's my fault for not mentioning it
[16/07, 10:41] HIM: Dont ring anyone
[16/07, 10:41] HIM: And dont book anything
[16/07, 10:41] HIM: Dont do anything
[16/07, 10:42] ME: I already rang x
[16/07, 10:42] HIM: Dont drive car anywhere
[16/07, 10:42] HIM: Dont book anything
[16/07, 10:42] HIM: Dont do anything
[16/07, 10:42] ME: I already said i would drop it in Friday x sorry!!
[16/07, 10:42] HIM: Dont drive anywhere
[16/07, 10:42] HIM: Idolt
[16/07, 10:43] HIM: Ring back and tell them your husband is going to sort it out
[16/07, 10:43] ME: No!!
[16/07, 10:43] HIM: Yes
[16/07, 10:43] ME: Makes me look like a right fo
[16/07, 10:43] ME: Fool
[16/07, 10:43] HIM: Idolt
[16/07, 10:43] HIM: You are
[16/07, 10:44] HIM: Im tryingvto watch a film
[16/07, 10:44] HIM: You idolt
[16/07, 10:44] ME: Sorry
[16/07, 10:44] HIM: Ring me
[16/07, 10:44] HIM: And fucking tell them
[16/07, 10:44] ME: Tell them what?
[16/07, 10:44] HIM: I will fucking ring
[16/07, 10:45] HIM: And you dont want to duckimg book it in
[16/07, 10:45] HIM: Then dont fucking do anything else
[16/07, 10:45] HIM: You dont whst to fucking book it in
[16/07, 10:45] HIM: Are you a fycking idolt?
[16/07, 10:45] HIM: Really
[16/07, 10:46] HIM: Are you fucking stupid
[16/07, 10:46] ME: OK rang and said I won't be bringing it in fridat

Yes that's abuse.

You booked the car in for an MOT and got it sorted. Then booked it in for after your pay day.

Your husband has now beaten you down verbally into submission and got you to back down and let him, the MAN sort it out.

He's awful. My partner would in no way talk to me like that. He would appreciate that I am quite capable of booking a car into the garage and getting something fixed.

Is he always like that? Does he talk to you like that in front of your child?

He's the only 'idoit' here.

You seem rational and capable, why are you with this prick?

So he is right that you should have asked how much to fix the oil leak.

BUT the rest of the exchange is horrible. He is rude, abusive, controlling and nasty. Is he like this to your face?

Part of me thinks that both of you aren't great at communication but that doesn't mean he should send messages like that. This whole exchange could have been easier if you spoke to each other.

At least having this in writing means that you have evidence of his appallingly condescending and aggressive behaviour should you need it.

However if you choose to stay with him for some bizarre reason, I wouldn't bother with texting him. There is too much room for him to be repetitive and cross post messages. Surely this conversation in person would have been quicker and more straightforward?

My car has a very similar slow oil leak. My garage has told me to just keep on driving, it's very unlikely to go catastrophic. I'd rather believe a qualified mechanic than a ranting twunt.

The way he's messaging you is horrible.

No he's not always like that, most of the time he is fine i.e. tells me he loves me, does things for me, gives me complements, is nice in bed etc - but yes he has talked to me like that in front of my child. He has also been physically agressive - in front of my child (she is 3) :( I know its awful and I am an idiot in a way for allowing this to happen. What am I doing? I don't know where to begin - how do I leave? I'm not stupid - I'm a software developer and have a degree - I'm just a very tolerant, open person - a people pleaser I suppose. I can't stand the idea of hurting him - I think of all the good things he has done for me, and also how my daughter would react to us splitting up. I'm so lost :(

Does he recognise the above is unacceptable? If so, counselling to see if he can control himself. If he doesn't recognise it as abuse then he is the one breaking up the relationship and he is the one hurting you. It's on him. By all means give him the chance to salvage the relationship but he is the problem, you are in the right.

He sounds like a lunatic in that exchange. An absolute lunatic.

Your daughter would react a hell of a lot better at 3 than if she were older. She won't even remember it as an adult if you left him at this age.

That was bizarrely angry, you were sensible.

A slow oil leak is fine to keep an eye on, especially just until the end of the week, and they probably couldn't tell you how much it will cost to fix until they've had a look anyway (which in my experience, they'll charge you for unless it was obvious - and they'd have told you if it was)

My car had a slow leak, it's 10 years old, they had a look and said they'd need to take more bits off to look harder, and it'd be about 500 quid - at which point I said I'd just keep an eye on it, top it up when it needed and come back if it got worse. They agreed that was a sensible plan given the age of the car. DP was worried, I assured him, and we got on with the day. That is normal.

He did get unreasonably angry, but the earlier responses from you were infuriatingly frustrating.

I was tired just reading it.

Thanks everyone. When he got home things got worse. He called me a lazy bitch, and after a while of trying to stay calm I called him a prick and got angry too (has decided to try and stay calm so he didn't win) :( This was after he kicked me.
I believe I was wrong to not get the oil sorted, and my communication skills aren't great - but that is out-pipped by his behavior.
I think, and I've said it to him, that I need to call this relationship a day. I have never really confided before and hearing other people tell me he is wrong is helping me build a little resolve. Friends and family believe I should leave him, based on past events they have witnessed. I just can't put myself into this situation again. So, right now I'm considering plans to leave. No idea where to start, but there you go.

..and he knows its abusive - but he thinks its justified abuse. And he claims I am abusive to him (yeah - after he hits me, because I stand up for myself)

He kicked you??

He kicked you!!?! You need to leave. Now. It's too dangerous for you to live with him. Please go today, call Womens Aid too.

In fairness she said in her previous post there had been domestic violence in front of her child.

OP, I'm glad your friends and family would be in your corner if you left.

For fucks sake why are you accepting this shit?

Leave, he kicks you, hits you and is verbally and physically abusive in front of your child, wake up and remove her from such a shitty home.

He's a nasty abusive bastard, he will not change.

Fwiw being nice in bed is no reason to stay while your daughter watches Mummy being used as a punchbag by her pathetic excuse for a Father.

My ex husband started off speaking to me like that, first off it was being abusive and physically aggressive. Years of it I tolerated, then he hit me in front of our son. He'd hit me a few times before that, but the look on my wee boy's face was enough. I picked up my son, and told my ex he had half an hour to get his shit together and get out. I never looked back, because my son deserved to live in a home free of shouting and abuse. Tell him, flat out, the next time he speaks to you that way you will leave. If he does it, follow through, take your daughter to stay with friends or family. If you must, go back and see if he changes. If not, leave for good. Your daughter will see how he treats you, and end up thinking its normal. Which, by the way, it really isn't! You, and she, deserve better. Nobody has the right to speak to you that way. I was on my own for a few years, then met my man, and I literally can't believe what I used to put up with. Never once has he called me a name, put me down, or been in any way physically aggressive. Kids don't need to witness that, and you don't need to put up with it. You are worth more!!!!

You need to leave, now. I just read more of your posts. Please, please get yourself and your daughter to a place of safety. He's clearly good at what he does, because you're justifying why he was angry in the first place. Nothing, not a single thing, ever justifies swearing at someone, being verbally and physically abusive. Nothing. Take it from someone who has been there, you can do this, you are strong enough and you will have a bright future with your little girl. It's a terrifying thing, but I honestly am begging you to go. Now!

My tummy feels all knotty just reading half of that and im not even his victim , hes vile run , run as far away from this excuse of a human being as you can as soon as you can , hes an abuser theres lots of dv charities out there please seek help you deserve so much better than this

0808 2000 247 This is the number for women's aid, it's a 24 hour freephone advice line to give you an idea how to get you and your daughter to safety. Good luck, we're all here if you need us xxx