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Original poster

Moral Dilemma.

84 replies

Mumwithdilemmas · 18/01/2016 18:52

Hi,

I'm new here & hope you can help. A person I know from my school days has recently contacted me via my parents, to ask if I can help her.

Firstly, she has always appalling towards me & even as adults this has never changed. Anyway she recently cheated on her husband of 10 years after getting very drunk at a party, as a result she is now pregnant.

Her husband has kicked her out & her family want nothing to do with her,she bumped into my mother & was very upset as she doesn't have anywhere to turn & no money for baby equipment.

My mum suggested she called me as we have several thousand pounds worth of baby equipment unused in our loft & cellars. We aren't planning anymore 2 toddlers are more than enough.

When she called she asked if I anything I could give her for free/cheap to hel. I told her no as I wanted current market value for things. My mum had told her we had 4 prams, 3 not being used & a couple of cots with boxes & boxes & boxes of clothes & toys etc.

My mum says I should be more charitable & give her break but I don't see why I should help, as I don't agree with what she has done. Also why should I help somebody who has always spoken down to me? After all I've ended up doing far better in life than she ever has.

What would you do? Thank you.

OP posts:
GeoffreysGoat · 18/01/2016 19:45

I have someone who treated me appallingly when younger (and was even worse to a friend). I would have to stop and think before pissing on them if they were on fire.

I would donate your stuff to charity, then direct her to that charity. They will have checks in place to verify whether she truly needs it or is just chancing her arm.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 18/01/2016 19:47

To gloat over someone's misfortune is ugly, regardless of the history.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 18/01/2016 19:54

She's not gloating.

There is nowhere that she has said 'ha! Serves her right stupid cow'. Op has merely pointed out that she has done better in life due to choices she has made. That's not gloating. It's a fact.

If this was about a friend - a real friend - my posts would read differently. But this is essentially a stranger who has hurt her in the past.

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 18/01/2016 19:55

Hi,

Sorry, I had to go to resettle our daughter. Thank you all so much my fiancé is reading your responses also, he thinks everybody is very friendly with very good advice, I agree.

I'm not usually so unwilling to help but I'm really struggling to get over what happened.

OP posts:
trilbydoll · 18/01/2016 19:59

There's a lesson here, be nice to people, you might need them someday!

I would give her stuff I found useless like a bumbo and a baby bath. But I bear grudges Grin

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 18/01/2016 20:00

I loved our Bumbo but agree about baby baths, they give you terrible backache, our two ended up being bathed in the Belfast.

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 18/01/2016 20:11

No way would I give her anything. She sounds like she's brought this on herself. Do you think she'd help you out if roles were reversed.

Pannacott · 18/01/2016 20:12

As pp said, that was totally out of order of your mum, I'd really be having a serious chat with her about how inappropriate it is to offer up other people's belongings as if hey are your own. I'd also be telling her more about how unpleasant this woman was to you, and how hurtful it is to have her come back into your life via your mum. I don't think you need to give her anything. However, as you do sound a bit conflicted about this, I'd maybe look over your stuff and see if you could find a small collection of things of relatively low value, that you aren't too fond of, so that you can feel you are helping her and the baby out. Without feeling like too much of a sucker.

RookieMonster · 18/01/2016 20:14

I think there is something cathartic that can come out of helping her, if you want to see things in that light. I'm sorry she was so rotten to you, but ending that cycle can be a good thing!

Theselittlelights · 18/01/2016 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Debbriana1 · 18/01/2016 21:54

Op, if it was me I would not be giving anything away. I doubt that the people telling you to turn the other chick would actually give their things away just like that to some who shape your childhood and some of your adult life in a negative way.

Keep your things. She does not owe you anything. Tell your mother not to offer things next time without consulting you first.

Actually think that one day if you were in the same room do ask her why she made your life a misery. I also do think that her behaviour maybe out of jealousy. Some people can't stand others being better than them in any away shape or form.

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 18/01/2016 22:08

Thank you all so much. Sorry I haven't been able to respond until now but both children seem to have a bug. Two poorly toddlers are no fun.

I spoke with mum on the phone & she was really sorry to have put me on the spot as she did. She was also a little disappointed that I couldn't see a way to be more charitable towards this person, as everything was a very long time ago & I'd been to see people about it. We have agreed she will call me before she offers help to people again. I love my parents to bits but they do wear their hearts on their sleeves. Perhaps I have something still to learn from them.

OP posts:
springscoming · 18/01/2016 22:16

Or perhaps your DM can learn some feckin boundaries.

DPotter · 19/01/2016 00:44

Its all very well to wear your heart on your sleeve but its not very well to offer help on behalf of someone else. If your mum wanted to help she should put her hand in her pocket - not yours.

I hope your little ones get some sleep tonight so you can have some too

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 19/01/2016 09:14

Thank you all.

The children finally fell asleep half an hour ago, we're just waiting for a house call.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/01/2016 10:17

I was bullied as a child - to the extent of being suicidal at 14, needing therapy for years, and having depression all of my adult life.

If one of my bullies contacted me asking me to give them stuff for free, I would not do it.

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 19/01/2016 10:42

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius she was one of the reasons I was Anorexic for so long, my parents had me admitted privately in the end because I weighed 5stone at 14. I still struggle to this day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 19/01/2016 10:48

a small collection of things of relatively low value, that you aren't too fond of, so that you can feel you are helping her and the baby out

I have very fond memories of all our baby bits, the little cashmere baby grows we brought them home in with the cutest hats & gloves. The beautiful Emile et Rose our son lived in those first 2 years & all the scrummy Sarah Louise our daughter had/has.

Last time we did a nearly new sale I cried after every piece sold silly thing. I'm thinking of perhaps having memory bears, dolls & bedspreads in a few sizes made so our memories are cherished.

My fiancé is going to email the lady later today & suggest she buys our cheaper items for what they sell on eBay & at nearly new sales for. Then the ball is in her court. Xx

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 19/01/2016 10:56

OP I think your DM has unthinkingly put you in a difficult position. As you do have a lot of unused baby equipment and clothes would being the bigger person and offering a set package of stuff as a one off be acceptable to you? Maybe the cheapest pram, cot etc plus some bedding and clothing.

That way you will be seen to have done the 'right' thing. You need to make it clear to DM that there will be no further donations and tell her why.

If you simply can't do then so be it, not sure how I'd feel about being so generous to an unreformed bully.

Zorion · 19/01/2016 11:01

If it were me I would give the unused stuff. It seems as though she has had her fair share of karma already. I was also bullied horribly at school, so you have my sympathies.

But I don't like this new movement towards selling things, only a few decades ago women used to help other women, things passed around communities, now its all "oh you need xyz? Here have mine, I'll never use it again, no hang on,... open your purse."

She is having a baby who needs a cot, pram etc, needs which have nothing to do with the behaviour of their mother (unless we really do still believe in original sin)...

Also, her being on the receiving end of your charity is like the ultimate Queen Bee's fall from grace, and you would have your head held very high. Maybe it would also give you the chance to let her know exactly how she affected you, and her the chance to apologise properly.

SleepyForest · 19/01/2016 11:03

If my bully approached me for help I would laugh in her face. I wouldn't lend her bus fare in a blizzard. If my mum suggested it I would think she was being disloyal.

I suspect all these kind, lovely, forgiving posters were never bullied.

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 19/01/2016 11:06

Thanks Penfold007 my fiancé is going to contact her later today with a suggestion that she can buy the cheaper items at their current market value (perhaps slightly lower). He is then going to leave the ball in her court so to speak.

My mum was really apologetic last night & has promised never to do it again. She also said she remembered the pain this woman caused but felt really sorry for her as her family have walked away from her (they are devote Catholics). I'm going to try & have a sort through later today to give things to our local homestart group (my attic is groaning & I nearly got buried in a clothes avalanche in the cellars). My fiancé thought it was hysterical when he came down "to find me" & mount baby had erupted & trapped me. Rescue was slow between the laughing & photographs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 19/01/2016 11:09

Thanks Zorion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 19/01/2016 11:12

Sorry for the delay in responding I'm dashing between the children's bedrooms & having to clean their bathrooms. Note to self walkie talkies are evil in the hands of toddlers. Our son is telling mummy I want more (more what?) He also begrudges having to change the TV Chanel himself. Our daughter is just snoring loudly down hers with the odd yell of juice mummy. Xx

OP posts:
BelindaBagwash · 19/01/2016 11:16

Mumwithdilemmas I wouldn't give her anything. I've had people be horrible to me when I was in a difficult place and I wouldn't do anything to help them.

Sorry if that makes me seem mean-spirited or nasty but I don't like being treated badly. I don't do it to people so don't see why they think they can do it to me