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Original poster

Moral Dilemma.

84 replies

Mumwithdilemmas · 18/01/2016 18:52

Hi,

I'm new here & hope you can help. A person I know from my school days has recently contacted me via my parents, to ask if I can help her.

Firstly, she has always appalling towards me & even as adults this has never changed. Anyway she recently cheated on her husband of 10 years after getting very drunk at a party, as a result she is now pregnant.

Her husband has kicked her out & her family want nothing to do with her,she bumped into my mother & was very upset as she doesn't have anywhere to turn & no money for baby equipment.

My mum suggested she called me as we have several thousand pounds worth of baby equipment unused in our loft & cellars. We aren't planning anymore 2 toddlers are more than enough.

When she called she asked if I anything I could give her for free/cheap to hel. I told her no as I wanted current market value for things. My mum had told her we had 4 prams, 3 not being used & a couple of cots with boxes & boxes & boxes of clothes & toys etc.

My mum says I should be more charitable & give her break but I don't see why I should help, as I don't agree with what she has done. Also why should I help somebody who has always spoken down to me? After all I've ended up doing far better in life than she ever has.

What would you do? Thank you.

OP posts:
Elllicam · 18/01/2016 19:21

Personally if she had been horrible to me I wouldn't give her anything and I would think she had a brass neck to ask.

Wombatinabathhat · 18/01/2016 19:21

Mum she will know in her own mind that she has been horrible to you and maybe you showing an act of kindness will make her rethink? I'm not a soft touch but I'm of an age where I cba to hold grudges. I'd maybe have a word with your DM about putting you on the spot.

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 18/01/2016 19:23

How do you mean PersephonePitstop? I had to work very hard to achieve the life we have. She had the same opportunities available but never took them.

OP posts:
Shirkingfromhome · 18/01/2016 19:23

Be the bigger person. She may have been vile to you, you don't agree with what she has done but you could kill her with kindness here.

And perhaps have a word with your dm to prevent any future awkward situations.

LeaLeander · 18/01/2016 19:23

The OP is not a charity and it was out of line for her mother to volunteer her as a helper when the mother encountered this woman.

One reaps what one sows. Let the pregnant woman apply to traditional charities for assistance. If the OP decides to donate her equipment, no doubt she can find more deserving recipients than a cheating bully.

Babies don't need fancy prams and such, they are for the convenience of the parents. So she is not depriving the child by standing her ground and refusing to reward someone who has treated her like dirt.

Debbriana1 · 18/01/2016 19:23

Has she ever apologised for her behaviour? Do you think that when she is back on her feet she will go back to being horrible towards you?

For me the fact that one of the things she said to you must have been recent regarding pregnancy, I would not help. Your mum should be on your side regarding someone who has made your life hell.

Shirkingfromhome · 18/01/2016 19:24

X post Wombat

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 18/01/2016 19:26

Hi Ellicam, thank you. It's very difficult as I feel guilty but very hurt.
Wombatinabathhat my mum didn't think before she offered lol. It's very difficult I want to help but can't get over the hurt caused.

OP posts:
CwtchMeQuick · 18/01/2016 19:26

I wouldn't give things to someone that had been horrible to me and I think it's very rude of her to ask

Wombatinabathhat · 18/01/2016 19:27

Snap Shirking

Purplecan4 · 18/01/2016 19:28

OP: someone who used to bully me asked me to give her my stuff, for free

MN: give it to her

Confused

I would have said: please don't contact me again. And put the phone down.

Bastardshittits · 18/01/2016 19:28

I think your mum was out of line to suggest anything to her. They are your possessions to do with as you see fit.

PersephonePitstop · 18/01/2016 19:29

I meant isn't that 'revenge' enough? Giving a token would show you to be the better person but your later posts reveal that the hurt she caused you was deeper than first indicated.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 18/01/2016 19:29

If you are comfortable with your decision what difference does it make what anyone else thinks?

Wombatinabathhat · 18/01/2016 19:30

In that case Mum, it sounds as if your decision is made for you. If she has caused you so much pain, then stick to your guns. You don't owe her and the baby won't know any difference. Not your responsibility Thanks

GreenRug · 18/01/2016 19:31

Op, if she treated you so badly growing up that you ended up in therapy then it's understandable you don't want to give her any of your stuff.

Do you think she realises her behaviour had that much of an impact on you? Does your mother? It doesn't sound like it. I'd politely say no and if your mum gets on at you about it you can set her straight too.

fakenamefornow · 18/01/2016 19:32

I'd give her some stuff. I think the fact she needs it is the best revenge you could have.

JacquelineChan · 18/01/2016 19:32

I must be a soft old fool but I would do it for the poor little baby

Disclaimer : I used to be a hard cow but since I had my ds I'm soft as anything!

Original poster
Mumwithdilemmas · 18/01/2016 19:32

Shirkingfromhome, I've been really struggling with it all. My mum knows she should have spoken with me first but just felt really sorry for her.

Thanks LeaLeander it does feel like my mum has made me sound like I could help without thinking.

Debbriana1 she has never apologised but she is that kind of person. Mum doesn't know about the comment during my last pregnancy there was a lot of other things going on at the time.

OP posts:
Adeleslostbeehive · 18/01/2016 19:33

No one is going to help someone who treated them badly, it's just hard to understand why you dislike her so much. I'm sure you have good reason.

It's not really a moral dilemma IMO- it would be nice if someone helped her but if you can't stand her, why would it be you?
I wouldn't worry about judging her situation though- who cares?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 18/01/2016 19:33

Do what you want with your things OP, but you sound an uncaring, stuck up cow who is revelling in the fact that the person you dislike is in a difficult situation, and is having to ask you for help. Very ugly.

iPaid · 18/01/2016 19:35

How much are you hoping to get for secondhand cots and prams? Round here you can't give them away.

abbsismyhero · 18/01/2016 19:38

why is she telling your mom her sob stories? she isn't being presented well bully cheat and a chancer totally unrepentant

she continued her bad behaviour as an adult so she never grew up

now she is dumped and alone who does she turn to her friends? her family? (i doubt all her family has turned there back on her) no she turns to the woman whose life she made hell

yes its not the baby's fault but its not the op's responsibility to pay for other people's children if she doesn't want to

i might give her some stuff but i would expect it to be thrown back at me at a later date

DPotter · 18/01/2016 19:41

This is a tough one.
the first thing I would do would be to tell my Mum in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't be offering my stuff to anyone without asking me first as even if the pregnant mum was a saintly long standing friend, its not her place to be offering stuff that isn't hers (ie your Mum's).

Can you give yourself sometime to think / muse about it/ talk to your partner? Sounds like she caught you on the hop which would have been very awkward.

Personally I don't think I could help if I had been very badly treated by someone. Some people may see that as petty and small minded, but frankly if someone abuses you, and years later asks for a massive favour, I think I would baulk.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 18/01/2016 19:45

OP being new here and all...unfortunately a lot of posters on MN recently tend mainly to use this as an opportunity to attack the OP. I mean ffs - the woman put you in therapy and posters are calling you ugly for not giving away for free things you have bought with your hard earned money, to a nasty person who has scarred you? Yes, clearly you are not nice Hmm. I'd love to see how many of the people who posted on here would give away even a smile if in the same situation as you.

Here are a few pointers for you OP to ease you into MN life:

  1. Aibu- you are always being U
  2. Expect by the end of page 1 (didn't even get that far in this thread) you will be called mean/nasty/in the wrong or similar
  3. If you are rich you are definitely wrong
  4. If you mention your partner then the only response is LTB
  5. How dare your mother have put you in the position the self obsessed cow, you should definitely go non contact.
  6. It does not matter that the woman you talk about is a nasty piece of work whose own family don't even want her. You should be the bigger person. Because everyone on MN would do exactly that.

I hope that didn't come on too strong Wink