Do I forgive my Dad for watching child pornography

[Kynance71]

I really need help. Back in November while my Dad was in hospital from his 2nd stroke I found out he had been looking at children on the Internet. It makes me sick to my stomach and I have gone through every emotion since.
I took his laptop when I left from visiting him for the weekend and went straight to the police after getting DH to look at his history.
12yo girl and sex etc. I was in turmoil, my whole life in question. My Dad who I adored, how could he do this?
I asked him over the phone as we live 200 miles from each other a week later and he admitted to it. I hung up and have ignored his calls since.
Christmas and New year were awful but I have 3 kids (all be it older g24, b21 & g15) that I wanted to have a normal time.
They all know and are devastated. dd24 doesn't want him at her wedding later on in the year.
I have a couple of best friends who this has stirred up some demons of their own and have been a massive support.
I've just had this week off as a long term depression sufferer I can feel my self slipping. I wanted to go see him today but got an hour away and I flipped and couldn't do it so DH turned round and we came home. I feel relieved but still I need to either see and forgive/help or cut all ties.
The police have been a massive support and can't do anything as he is ill still in hospital. They got a warrant and took all other computers etc and called me to say that it was on them too. I asked if it was going back before his 1st stroke and it was for a long while.
He's my Dad but it's so wrong on every level. Those poor poor children.
I just don't know where to go from here 😪 I'm lost and broken.

I'm so sorry you discovered this. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling.

Personally, I could never forgive with something like this.

Everything you have done is amazingly strong. Your reporting to the police, not keeping quiet. You have done the right things.

You owe that man nothing. He does not deserve anything from you.

Personally I would not forgive him.

Look at getting yourself some help. Support your daughters. Respect your eldest's decision to not have that man around her friends. Trust your gut.

I cannot believe the response I've received. If only you all realised just how much you've helped me. I feel so much calmer and am going to see about seeing somebody to help me through it, although you guys have been an enormous help. My first post too. I thank you all xxx

I

Thanks for the update, glad you're feeling a bit better and looking into getting support

I've been through something similar - not my dad but a family member. It was horrendous but complicated by the fact that the rest of my family didn't know as my own parents are very elderly and ill. I only knew as SS tipped me off.
What really upset me is that he denied it so I was very torn during the investigations and supported him from afar, but he ultimately accepted a caution and that was the nail in the coffin for me.
I have only seen him once since. It has driven a wedge in my family as I avoid gatherings and we are suffering, not him. Only my DP and a DS know about it.
It has been a nightmare tbh, so I feel for you. Please take care of yourself.

My partner has cut his parents out of
His life for that reason. And that's where they will fucking stay. One for doing it, the other for staying with spouse who does it and fuck how the kids/grandkids/extended family feel about it.
Sorry but I think paedophiles should be put down

Child porn is inexcusable in my book. I'd find it very difficut to look at anyone i was close to in the same way again.

I am so very sorry, OP. You poor thing. I can't even imagine the way this would affect me, in your position.

I agree with those who say that you don't need to make any huge decisions right now.

Just take things day by day, and look after yourself.

My honest answer to your question is: I don't know. I don't think I could be around him without feeling sick to my stomach. Equally, I don't know if I could leave my father to die alone, if it came to that.

Again, I'm so sorry.

Have a read of a book called Infant Losses, Adult Searches. It's in depth but readable about why people commit offences such as these. What was your dad's upbringing like? Is this a one off period in his life? Linked to the strokes?

I think he deserves a chance to explain before you make a decision about having him in your life. And definitely counselling, someone with experience in dealing with this situations

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP. You've been given some really good advice but just wanted to add another hand to hold.

I found out 2 years ago that my Dsis new fella had been caught and convicted of accessing child sexual abuse images on a work computer. He was a head teacher. She's accepted it and he lives with her and her two children. It's horrid. She made out to me that I was being over the top about it.

I feel for you. This is bad enough but your own father, someone you thought you knew well.

I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through op. Like others have said you can't simply turn your feelings off, he's your dad and it will take a while to come to terms with the fact that he's not the man you thought he was.

I couldn't and would never forgive someone for this, I have daughters and I would feel I'd be letting them down if I let someone like that into my life. That said being completely confused and in shock is a totally normal reaction given the circumstances. I do think you should maybe try and get some form of counselling in order to help you deal with this but I also don't think you should forgive him either. Good luck, what ever happens.

OP
I'm struggling really badly now. I've been signed off work and don't know where to turn. I want this nightmare to end. It won't though will it? Easy to say cut him off but every moment of the day I think about it. Reminders all the time of my Dad that just sets me off.
I'm ignoring my house phone. My uncle has left a message asking what's wrong. How do I tell him? I feel so alone with it all and just want to hide away.
I've filled in online form for talk plus but not heard a thing. I can't afford to go private. I feel like I'm screaming and nobody can hear me xxx

Sorry you're struggling. Have you been to see your GP? They might be able to refer you for counselling or let you know about a counselling service you haven't heard about.

If your uncle knows about your dad, can you just tell him that you're struggling to come to terms with it?

I can't remember if you have a partner or any other support but please do tell someone how you're feeling. I'm sure it will feel a bit better to get it off your chest.

Hang on in there

It won't always be like this. I know it's excruciating now, but it won't be forever. What you are feeling is completely to be expected.

Why is your uncle ringing , would he know?

If you need to talk, but have nobody to talk to, you can call the Samaritans. Just to be heard and to let out some if this stuff.

Hang in there love, we're all thinking of you!

Hissy, thank you xx

OP. Well a few months on and I've not spoken to my Dad at all. My step sister however does and makes me feel bad all the time. I'm sorry but I can't. Ill or not.
I decided to not let him get me down and trying very hard every day to focus on my family and me. I've been rock bottom before and I cannot go back there.
He is sick and I cannot condone it. I won't condone it and people who think I should forgive and help him can leave my life too.
I cannot thank you all enough for your support at the time of OP.
Thank you xxxx

Absolutely not.. one million percent no! I wouldn't care if this was family or a friend.. it wouldn't matter how much they had previously mattered to me.. i'd wash my hands there and then and never look back

Sounds like you're finding things a little easier?

You're right to stay away from him, you know this. It's ok to be sad that you have to. It's a seismic shock in Your lives.

Did any counselling come through yet?

No I couldn't forgive.

But I can imagine the devastation you feel. I really feel for you op

OP update post...
He keeps calling and leaving messages to forgive him. It's killing me.
Counselling has come to nothing. No appointment yet 6 months later! They have called twice to offer an on the day appointment which is no good if I have to work. 6 months!!! It's outrageous.
I can't live like this anymore. I can't stop hating him for what he's done. I don't know how to stay strong.

I don't think i could know exactly how i would react in such a situation unless I'd been through it. I think what I would find very difficult would be reconciling this awful, disgusting, evil thing he's done with all the years I had seen him as much loved father and grandfather. I think that could throw up all kinds of feelings and issues - anger, shock, blame, guilt, denial. I think I'd be looking back at my childhood, the big moments in my life, my parents' marriage, pretty much everything through completely different eyes.

I wish you and your family the best. It sounds like you've had to be very strong.

I hesitated to write this, because it is very raw. I have been in a very similar situation, 7 years ago. My family was torn apart in so many ways. I really can't say much, but I know the feeling of conflict that you describe, it's as if there are two people, the one you loved as a child and the one who did this. Reconciling the two is almost impossible.
Has he been charged and sentenced? That was the hardest time for me,as we were warned that it could hit the news and we were living on a knife edge. Once you can get through that time then you can begin to rebuild your life and the the way forward may become clearer.
Sending you lots of strength.