Do I forgive my Dad for watching child pornography

[Kynance71]

I really need help. Back in November while my Dad was in hospital from his 2nd stroke I found out he had been looking at children on the Internet. It makes me sick to my stomach and I have gone through every emotion since.
I took his laptop when I left from visiting him for the weekend and went straight to the police after getting DH to look at his history.
12yo girl and sex etc. I was in turmoil, my whole life in question. My Dad who I adored, how could he do this?
I asked him over the phone as we live 200 miles from each other a week later and he admitted to it. I hung up and have ignored his calls since.
Christmas and New year were awful but I have 3 kids (all be it older g24, b21 & g15) that I wanted to have a normal time.
They all know and are devastated. dd24 doesn't want him at her wedding later on in the year.
I have a couple of best friends who this has stirred up some demons of their own and have been a massive support.
I've just had this week off as a long term depression sufferer I can feel my self slipping. I wanted to go see him today but got an hour away and I flipped and couldn't do it so DH turned round and we came home. I feel relieved but still I need to either see and forgive/help or cut all ties.
The police have been a massive support and can't do anything as he is ill still in hospital. They got a warrant and took all other computers etc and called me to say that it was on them too. I asked if it was going back before his 1st stroke and it was for a long while.
He's my Dad but it's so wrong on every level. Those poor poor children.
I just don't know where to go from here 😪 I'm lost and broken.

I couldn't forgive that. How extremely upsetting for you and your family.

No OP I don't think I could...feel for you what a horrible situation.

Ally - real children or not in the videos, he fucking searched for images of child abuse! If that's not bad enough for you then I despair!

Penny has it.

OP there is no such thing as Child Pornography. It's child abuse. He is as guilty as the perpetrators.

Sorry OP he belongs in prison.

Whoa.

So sorry.

Would have to sever all contact if it was me.

Penny got there first.

I couldn't forgive.

No.

Child abuse.

Forgive?

Really?

FFS.

Did this happen after the first stroke? I can't even imagine how awful you must feel. You poor woman.

The best you could hope for that this was some brain damage from the stroke. I don't even know if that is a thing- but fucking hell. How absolutely devastating for you.

Are you in the UK OP?

Maybe forgive was the wrong word. Also after reading so much I know it's not pornography. I should've worded that better.
Bottom line is I'm devastated and am crying out for help.

Only you can possibly decide on this one, but might it help to separate forgiving and contact? You might feel able to forgive him but not see him; or you might feel that you want to retain some contact while stating honestly that this is not something you can forgive.

I don't know how I would react in this situation, I don't think anyone could know. But I have done some voluntary work in the past with sex offenders (including child sex offenders) and I do have compassion for them as individuals. A member of your own family is a different situation though.

As I have said the images are horrific but people judging you for being conflicted doesn't help.x

No way!!! The man living opposite me has been done for paedophilia twice and spent time in jail. His wife still took him back despite having two very young kids. Makes me so angry every time I think about her choice.

You poor thing

What a terribly painful experience this must be. I'd also suggest counselling.

Are you getting any support for your depression? I suggest you go and see your GP and ask what counselling is available. They might be able to point you in the direction of services you don't know about. And there might be a waiting list but you won't know until you ask. No harm getting on the waiting list either.

My advice is try not to put pressure on yourself to make a decision just yet. You've had some very shocking and upsetting news - you need time to process it first before deciding what to do about your relationship with your father long term.

You might decide to have limited contact but that doesn't have to mean that you forgive him or condone his behaviour.

As someone mentioned above, don't expect resolution to this for a long time, I imagine it will be at least 1-2 years before it even goes to court btw, I didn't forgive my (2) family members.

I definitely think counselling would be helpful for you. I can't imagine what a difficult thing this must be for you and your family to be going through.

Nobody can tell you what to do. But people can help you process this and look at moving forward with your life.

I was in a similar situation, but not a family member, but a friend. For me, it was unforgivable. Just thinking about looking that person in the eye made my skin crawl. It was easier going NC, not being family. I understand why you're conflicted.

Vaugeideas I cannot look in the mirror. Yesterday was the first time I've worn makeup as I look so much like my Dad it's all I can see.

My love, it's going to be ok.

You didn't do this, this was a choice your dad made.

Many many many times.

He is not the man you thought he was. He is not a man you can have in your life in any way shape or form. That is his doing.

You will need to mourn the loss of who you thought he was, but understand that it was not you that was "wrong"

You will never understand why he did what he did, and nothing he can ever do will make it right. You have lost your dad. I'm so sorry.

There will be support for you. Please keep talking to everywhere you can to feel heard.

It's easy to say you wouldn't ever speak to him again when you haven't been there and in that position. But this is your dad and he's been in your life for your whole life and you've found out late on.

The emotions you must be feeling are undoubtedly wild and uncontrollable and confused. I would t make any final decisions now. I'd seek some counselling (even if it takes months to make progress) and just put yourself first.

If you aren't ready to deal with it head on in your own don't. If hounding want to see him don't either. Ask to be kept notified of his physical state so if it gets to the stage that you need to make a decision should his health deteriorate then you don't miss that opportunity, but otherwise just give yourself space to work through this.

It's your dad, you can't just switch off ten love, but I imagine this has tainted all your memories and history. Professional help will hopefully help you work out how you can move on.

Good luck

From your OP it seems that you want to see him but are thinking that seeing him = forgiving him and acting like it's fine and you're over it, so to speak. I think if I were in your position I would want to see my DDad one more time but he wouldn't be there because he was no longer the DDad I know didn't exist anymore iyswim? And it'd be like visiting a stranger. I really feel for you and have no idea what I'd do in your shoes. Has he tried to contact you or have you spoken to him at all since he admitted it?

You are not him. You are his daughter, but he has not made you a monster, nobody will judge you for his crimes.

You have acted on the information you got, and as a result will have prevented - somehow- a child or children being viewed as a sex object and therefore saved a child from being abused.

I cannot even begin to imagine how you would go about processing this. It is absolutely unforgiveable but coming to terms with that and the end of the relationship with your Father as you knew it is going to be extremely hard. I can only imagine it to feel like grief. I can totally understand why you might be conflicted.

As others have said, I think you need to take time.