MIL

[CarolPeletier]

I have never been close to my SIL, she got with BIL a few years ago but has always seemed closed although I do like her, and have a difficult relationship with my MIL although we both try. (20years)

I recently spent time with SIL and we became closer, and she confided that she had always been scared of me because of what MIL had told her about me. The things she told me had been said were untrue and nasty and I am completely devastated my own family could speak about me in this way.

The thing is, in the last six months my MIL has said as bad, if not worse, about SIL to me. I told SIL that MIL has stirred things up bit didn't go into detail because she didn't ask and it would hurt her.

My DH has an almost non existent relationship with his mum for all sorts of reasons (bad childhood, drinking, general nastiness) and would happily just ignore this and then go NC.

Obviously MIL is playing a very nasty game, and has now been found out. But what do I do?

A) confront MIL and risk a huge row at Christmas
B) tell SIL exactly what has been said and let her decide what to do (she is far more confronting than me)
C) Nothing
D) go NC without further explanation

I'd be inclined to tell SIL that she's said nasty things about her to you and that perhaps you should both try to have a relationship aside from MIL and be v.cautious about what MiL says to each of you.

If your DH wants/has a good relationship with his DB then you could have a get together with SIL, BIL and DH. Air it all and come up with a joint coping strategy.

You don't have to be nasty you just need to say out loud that you and SIL have realised that MIL is trying to divide and conquer and that you all need to know this, and to agree that, now you are wise to it, it won't cause any further issues between you.

You could also discuss what tack you could take for the next time MIL tries to drip some poison: "Yes dear, of course she does" or "How nasty of you to make up such stuff"

Once you are all knowingly on the same page she can't do any damage.

I'd be inclined to do nothing as far as your SIL is concerned. You've already told SIL that MIL has stirred things up. If she didn't ask you in what way you meant when you said that, then I'm not sure bringing it up again is the best course of action. It might just make it look as though you're out to cause trouble. It might be a good idea to speak to your husband though so that he can speak to his brother

(C) do nothing.... For now

There is no need to actually do anything. You know the truth, silk knows the truth and as long as you say to sil that if she's been told that you have done or said anything nasty about sil to not believe a word of it and if need be pick up the phone and check.

In fact if mil were saying sil had said something crappy about me I'd be tempted to get my phone out there and then, saying "oh yeah, funny you should say that, I know she says you say the same about me, but let me double check, eh?"

Or I'd give her the raised eyebrow and ask Really?... Is that really so? And repeat what she'd said and say, doesn't sound like the SIL I know... Let her know she's rumbled.. But never let on what you know, keep her guessing..

Depends how horrible your MIL has been in the past.

I would guess that she's been trying to make you and SIL hate each other because she fears you both and losing her own position of relative power as family matriarch.

I'd be tempted to start sending her joint Christmas gifts from the two of you. Love a passive-aggressive wind up, me

Outstanding idea... Great big bunch of festive flowers from the dils....