anonymous letter about nanny

[AgentFF]

yesterday I got an anonymous letter from someone saying that they were the parents of a friend of my 2yo DS - that our nannies knew each other and hung out sometimes. They sent it to "Parents of DS" and knew our postal address - possible as a couple of times the nanny has had playdates at ours and asked permission beforehand. They didn't want to name themselves or the nanny in case the nanny was labelled as a snitch.

They said that they had serious concerns about our nanny and how she was treating our DS. Some of the comments were ridiculous - as in she was withholding food so he was left taking food from other children or nannies - I know that he eats a lot and just loves food, he isn't fat but certainly not thin or scrawny either. They also mentioned they didn't think he was supervised enough/properly and they worried for his safety and finished by saying they were worried she might be physically abusing him as he seemed afraid of her.

As you can imagine I was distraught and very upset. DS is not with the nanny at the moment as he is with family. The nanny came very highly recommended and had good references who I spoke to in detail. She has been with us for over a year and we have been happy with her. She has a very direct manner and can be bossy but our DS is a boisterous and energetic 2yo so needs some structure and boundaries and so far I thought she managed things well.

I am really worried and feel terribly guilty that I have put him in danger but also don't know if it is someone who has just misinterpreted things - they are telling me what their nanny thinks and I don't know who their nanny is or what she has seen/how much time she has spent with them. The fact that they have concerns about things (the withholding food allegations) that I know are not true and have been misinterpreted make me think that I should be more sceptical about all of it. However I feel I can't dismiss it in case there is even the tiniest bit of truth.

DS is very happy and outgoing (my view and those of family and friends) - talks to everyone and interacts with everyone. He is affectionate, confident and boisterous and loves testing boundaries. They go out a lot to stay and plays and toddler groups in the area.

What do I do? Sack the nanny immediately and find someone else without any proof or knowledge of whether I am getting rid of someone who is perfectly good and being (potentially just out of malice or misplaced concern) judged by someone who has no knowledge of what is going on? Or do I sack her because if there was even a tiny chance that she was being horrible to him I wouldn't want her around?

Personally, I'd be very concerned. My DS was with a CM for almost 2 years who I thought was lovely but he was often teary when I dropped him off. I assumed it was because he missed me and ignored his misgivings. It was only when he was older that he told me he used to twist his ear and make him eat food he didn't want to eat.

I am so cross with myself that I ignored my misgivings and didn't ask him why he was upset when I left him with her. But he was very little and because I was always very friendly with her, he didn't realise that what she was doing wasn't okay with me.

Just because it's anonymous doesn't make it fake. But it doesn't mean it's true either - it could be the work of someone spiteful who has fallen out with your nanny and who is seeking revenge.

Frankly, because it's anonymous I would err on the side of caution. If I thought a nanny was mistreating a child, I'd have a word directly with the parents, wouldn't you? Along the lines of 'I'm sure it's nothing, but...' Because writing an anonymous letter so cowardly and leaves room for just these kinds of doubts. Being labelled a 'snitch' isn't really significant in balance with a child's welfare is it?

If you know that some of the accusations are false (the food), and you feel that your son is happy and healthy in general, and you also know that he needs strong boundaries, I don't think you should be overly concerned. I'd proceed with caution, but maybe not take immediate action.

Just thinking about the withholding food allegation - if your DS is a big lad is there any possibility that she is imposing food restriction on him because she thinks he eats too much? If that were so, it could explain why he is always hungry around you.

I think someone's out to poach your nanny, surely you'd have noticed if DS was frightened of her? Or had unexplained bruises?
The letter's writer is out to cause trouble imo, and his/her is managing to thoroughly unsettle you, which is probably just what they intended.

I don't think you can afford to be too moralistic about anonymous letters when it's about a child who is too small to speak for themselves. It's either a trouble making nob head or some one who is deeply concerned about your child but scared of repercussions on them self and perhaps even their own job. I wouldn't ignore this.

You have to put your child first and cannot take risks. In your position, I'd put your ds into a nursery and get rid of your nanny. I know that sounds ridiculously harsh on the nanny but I would not risk my child's safety (which is alleged in this letter) in priority to an adult's employment.

Anon letters are written that way for 2 reasons:

1. to express serious concerns but not wanting to face the fallout/backlash/unpleasantness

2. to attack the subject of the letter maliciously knowing that the author can't be traced.

You can't know which yours is but I just couldn't take the risk.

I've written 2 anonymous letters in my life. Both times, they were to alert someone in a responsible job to serious failings. In one case, an individual was doing their job (unintentionally) dangerously badly and the person in authority clearly spoke to them and this person began performing their job properly and in the other case, an institution was failing to address a particular matter, which again, the person in authority tasked someone to do it. Both times, my letters were written out of concern for the safety of people (adults and children) and I certainly didn't want any hassle coming my way, I just wanted things to be done properly and safely and did not have the correct status to implement anything myself (ie just a member of the public).

The problem is, you really don't know for sure one way or another. You don't want to assume your nanny is untrustworthy but you can't rule it out in the face of this allegation. You can't go by what others have seen when they've been around your nanny and son. Your nanny, if she is in fact mistreating your son, is probably smart enough to not do so when other people are around.

I'm afraid I have to second the secret nanny cam idea. That's the only way you'll truly know. The stakes of your son's safety is paramount, in my view. Don't know how it works but I would educate myself on those cams and put one or two in place and set it up where you can see the video feed in real time, just in case. Be very sure they are hidden well, otherwise there's no point. Don't let on to her or make her suspicious, carry on as usual and monitor the video feed.

I read a case a few years ago where a couple's dog would growl at the nanny when she would arrive to mind their baby. On a hunch the mother left her phone under the sofa and set it to record audio. When the parents listened back, they heard the nanny cursing and sounds of her slapping and hitting their baby. She was sentenced to prison. The scary thing was she had always been the picture of trustworthiness before this. So, make no assumptions either way. Your situation may not be nearly this dire, but right now, you have no idea. Take steps to find out what is going on.

When I was in my last nannying job the child used to get into such a state everyday that he's mum left, and then stop as soon as she was out of sight. I used to think every week would be my last, and that she must be convinced that he hates me or that I am mean to him.
One day she came home and when he saw her, burst out screaming like he was petrified, pointed to me and then to the front door like he was saying go away. I don't know how the mums instinct didn't tell her that I was a child beater tbh! I really did get on very well with him every day! he was so young (only just over 1), she looked devastated when he did that, and I was so upset and embarrassed I didn't know why, all I could do was assure the mum that he had had a happy day, but to the people saying you will see how guilty she looks, she would probably look guilty anyway if she is decent, I know I must have because I was gutted for the mother who must have been so worried about her son.
I agree with the people who say different parenting methods can skew someone's view of what is cruel, I do know some nannies who are prone to occupying children with food a bit away from the structured routine of a child care setting parents and nannies can get a bit snack happy and it becomes a pacifier, a distraction, compensation when it's time to leave somewhere fun..... People think I am cruel to say no to snacks too when they are just not always needed.
I would usually think it horrifying, but in this situation a temporary nanny cam could be the best solution if you are confident you can put it behind you if you see a loving woman with your happy child.

You can't ignore it, that is for sure.

It could possibly be a nanny trying to 'big' herself up in front of her employers, like "'how lucky are you to have me, compared to how X takes care of her charges", and the unsuspecting employers are genuinely concerned enough to raise it with you. However considering they employ a nanny too, I would lean more towards them NOT doing it anonymously.

It could also be total and utter fabrication from a disgruntled ex-employer, friend etc.

It could be a very genuine letter and a well intentioned caution for you from someone who is concerned about your childs welfare..

Whatever it is, the seed of doubt has now been well and truly planted unfortunately or fortunately as the case may be.

Considering that you had no concerns prior to receiving the letter, I think I would get a nanny cam to see what might be going on while you are not around.

I hope you can get some answers so you can put your mind at rest.

I would ask others who might be at similar groups, or even suggest someone that I knew (but she didn't) to go along and observe. I don't think a nannycam is fair - is it even legal, to record someone without their permission? I think it would be awful to be recorded secretly, even if I was trying to do a good job all the time. I think you need to go through other options first, and then if needed, set up a camera but tell her that it's happening. Obviously she won't do anything to him while you are watching, but you will get a general sense of her interactions with him. It does seem unfair for someone to write an anonymous letter with such vague concerns, without giving you the evidence or signing their name so that you could speak to them about it, and I would be very suspicious that they were trying to stir something up.

wanted to add, I would monitor the video for at least two weeks. Also, if your nanny is innocent and is being targeted by a malicious person, then this video cam will prove that and there won't be any weirdness hanging over her afterwards. Being accused of something like that if one is innocent is probably devastating, whether she knows about it or not or whether people round her treat her differently because of unfounded accusations, she would feel the weird vibes. Anything besides a secret video cam (or private detective but I don't think you want to go that far) would not give you a definitive answer. Just think, you'll always have that suspicion in the back of your mind, and your nanny, if innocent, doesn't deserve that. And if she's not innocent, then you have to get her way from your son, immediately.

There is no point to setting up a camera if you're going to tell her you're doing so. Of course she won't do anything when she knows she's being recorded. So you still wouldn't really know.

And you can't go by what other people say who've seen her with your child, she would be careful to not do anything in the presence of others.

And, would the nanny want to still work for you if you felt you needed to spy on her with a nanny cam?

Really, is this a thing people do?

I'd investigate more myself. Ask my ds if he likes her. Ask friends, other people, leader of the toddler group if need be. Or ask the nanny directly what she thinks.

I don't get why the letter was unsigned. When dd was mistreated by an activity leader I had four people come and tell me independently. Parents don't hold back if they know you. But maybe they don't know you. If others have been to your house for play dates surely it's a case of just calling round one evening? I'd ask around to anyone else who might have been there.

I have dc who wouldn't eat much that age. But they had friends who'd clear a party table given the chance. They'd regularly ask me, got any snacks I'm starving and sometimes start scrabbling through my bag. They weren't starving - they were double the weight of mine. Their parents had them on strict lunch at 12pm, snack at 3pm otherwise they'd have been huge.

It doesn't add up to me.

I'm amazed at the amount of people who apparently don't have nanny cams. Really, your air of slight distaste about "spying" is more important than your child's safety?

Yes get a nanny cam. No it's not illegal to record anyone in a "public" area of the house, i.e. kitchen, lounge, playroom. It would be illegal to record someone where they have a "reasonable expectation of privacy" e.g. the bathroom or their bedroom.

Make sure you get one with audio.

but is it illegal to record without telling her?! That seems horrible to me.

*pocketsaviour Mon 14-Dec-15 18:27:09
I'm amazed at the amount of people who apparently don't have nanny cams. Really, your air of slight distaste about "spying" is more important than your child's safety?

Yes get a nanny cam. No it's not illegal to record anyone in a "public" area of the house, i.e. kitchen, lounge, playroom. It would be illegal to record someone where they have a "reasonable expectation of privacy" e.g. the bathroom or their bedroom.

Make sure you get one with audio.*

^This. I agree with pocketsaviour What if there is something going on? The only way to know is to have a secret camera in your house. She's not going to do anything if she knows people are looking or she knows she's being recorded.

I think your son is worth whatever it takes to find the truth of the matter.

It's not "slight distaste", pocket. I can't see why you'd leave your kid with someone you didn't quite trust, and, why you'd expect the nanny to then continue to work for you knowing that you didn't quite trust them.

Surely, as soon as the trust is gone, the working relationship goes with it?

So, then, you land up with a trustworthy nanny - as, confirmed by nanny cam, but, no childcare because nanny resigns.

"I mean, who would actually go to those lengths to sabotage someone's career? It's a bit far fetched."

Erm, a disgruntled controlling ex-boyfriend, for example? There is another thread going on about sociopaths and psychopaths. Those people do exist and are incredibly twisted - however far fetched it may seem.

Problem is, even if you give your nanny full notice etc, if you don't give her a reference, she'll still find it really hard to find another job. I wouldn't employ a nanny who didn't have a reference.

Yes, perhaps you should show her the letter and have a chat about it. I hope I would give my nanny my support ahead of an anonymous letter. If you were approached face to face, I may feel differently.

I'd focus on finding out who sent the letter, and approach them directly. can you narrow it down, or do a lot of your DS's friends have nannies? You shouldn't ignore the letter, but you definitely need to hear the allegations directly. Put yourself in someone else's shoes - would you send an anonymous letter to a parent if you were concerned about another child? Not sure I would.

What did you decide to do?

Id speak to ds, speak to any friends who had seen them out and about on the grounds of performing a kind of review.

Then - assuming it all comes back as you expect, I'd ask the nanny if anyone had approached her, and that it was ok for her to tell me etc, then I'd show her the letter.

Until this letter you have not had a single doubt in her, not even a twinge in your instincts, so the chances are this letter is malicious.

If you had real concerns over a friends childcare, you'd tell them yourself and make yourself available fo more questions. I think this is a potential poaching situation