anonymous letter about nanny

[AgentFF]

yesterday I got an anonymous letter from someone saying that they were the parents of a friend of my 2yo DS - that our nannies knew each other and hung out sometimes. They sent it to "Parents of DS" and knew our postal address - possible as a couple of times the nanny has had playdates at ours and asked permission beforehand. They didn't want to name themselves or the nanny in case the nanny was labelled as a snitch.

They said that they had serious concerns about our nanny and how she was treating our DS. Some of the comments were ridiculous - as in she was withholding food so he was left taking food from other children or nannies - I know that he eats a lot and just loves food, he isn't fat but certainly not thin or scrawny either. They also mentioned they didn't think he was supervised enough/properly and they worried for his safety and finished by saying they were worried she might be physically abusing him as he seemed afraid of her.

As you can imagine I was distraught and very upset. DS is not with the nanny at the moment as he is with family. The nanny came very highly recommended and had good references who I spoke to in detail. She has been with us for over a year and we have been happy with her. She has a very direct manner and can be bossy but our DS is a boisterous and energetic 2yo so needs some structure and boundaries and so far I thought she managed things well.

I am really worried and feel terribly guilty that I have put him in danger but also don't know if it is someone who has just misinterpreted things - they are telling me what their nanny thinks and I don't know who their nanny is or what she has seen/how much time she has spent with them. The fact that they have concerns about things (the withholding food allegations) that I know are not true and have been misinterpreted make me think that I should be more sceptical about all of it. However I feel I can't dismiss it in case there is even the tiniest bit of truth.

DS is very happy and outgoing (my view and those of family and friends) - talks to everyone and interacts with everyone. He is affectionate, confident and boisterous and loves testing boundaries. They go out a lot to stay and plays and toddler groups in the area.

What do I do? Sack the nanny immediately and find someone else without any proof or knowledge of whether I am getting rid of someone who is perfectly good and being (potentially just out of malice or misplaced concern) judged by someone who has no knowledge of what is going on? Or do I sack her because if there was even a tiny chance that she was being horrible to him I wouldn't want her around?

They also mentioned they didn't think he was supervised enough/properly and they worried for his safety and finished by saying they were worried she might be physically abusing him as he seemed afraid of her.

Is it possible that she is very strict with him, and sets boundaries, and her success makes the anonymous nanny think he is afraid of her?

If they didn't actually see any mistreatment, I wouldn't put too much trust in it.
It is all deduction, isn't it? He behaves in a way that could be completely normal, and they are interpreting it in a certain way.

If someone had genuine concerns, why would they be anonymous? I wouldn't, if they were absolutely genuine.

I think that by writing in anonymously they were quite cowardly. You cannot make allegations like that and then sit back and watch the fallout with no consequences for yourself.

My mother got anonymous letters when I was a small child, about my father and one of his work colleagues. The colleague in question had just lost her husband and she and my father elected to go for drinks together at the Christmas night out - instead of going for an expensive meal, as both had young children and couldn't afford it. The letters were extremely nasty and could have destroyed a relationship - luckily my mum knew the woman and believed my Dad but she was shaken.

I think that if people want to tell you something they should do so with conviction, which means putting themselves out there. If not, then it undermines the information they are giving.

How chatty is DS? Would he tell you - in toddler speak - if he was unhappy? (I don't have kids yet, but know that they can kind of communicate, or withdraw communication if they dislike a situation.)

You can't fire her because of a poison pen letter. Maybe all the nannies in your circle had one on account of somebody jealous of people with nannies. Nanny's ex-bf could have sent it. A rival nanny with a less appealing job could have sent it... you say "a couple of playdates", is that 2 or 12? If 2 or 3, contact those parents directly, see what they say. They might be happy to discuss it on the phone if it is real.

Not sure what the employment laws are, could you afford to pay your old nanny and a new one should she win a tribunal?

I would sit down and show the nanny the letter and see what she has to say. I would be worrying and at least she would know why I was acting differently. But I am not good at hiding how I feel so I have to be upfront.
It's also fair to her.

I can see why the letter was anonymous, I imagine they wold have really worried about sending it - mutual friends, their nannys reputation, perhaps you or DH know them socially/professionally etc.

There is no way you can ignore it.

Could you set up a play date with nanny/DS and a friend/child. If Nanny is that bad someone you know and trust will have a bad feeling about her.

This must be horrible, I hope you get answers quickly

4 years ago after the nanny had left one of her friends approached me about what had been going on in my house with my four children. It wasn't directed to all of them just to the youngest. Apparently noone was allowed to pick her up when she was crying and she was left on the floor with her toys etc out of reach while everyone played upstairs. Quite a bit more happened and I was told about but I don't think I need to write it here. The nanny was with us for four years and I trusted her completely. I was wrong to and I hate the fact that this was all going on under my nose. I hate thinking about it even and thankfully my youngest can't remember that nanny at all. So if I was you its better to act on the letter than to chance that something is happening to your child

Are you sure there isn't a cultural element going on here? I don't want to come across as racist in any way if the nannies aren't English (or whatever) or one is, one isn't, and the other parents are also of a different culture, then I would think it quite easy to misinterpret actions and words.

I don't see that withholding food is wrong - it's entirely dependent on circumstances and what has been eaten (or not) previously.

Tricky one. You can't let it lie, you do need to do something.

If I honestly thought a child was being physically abused and I was worried for his safety I wouldn't be anonymous.

I'm not saying to ignore it, I think you should investigate more.

I withhold food from my 21 month old all the time, otherwise he'd eat constantly. And he would definitely beg for treats if other people had them and I'd say no.

Can you send someone who your nanny doesn't know to a toddler group she goes to to check up?

Or contact the leaders of whichever groups/classes she goes to and get their opinion?

You need to get to the bottom of this, because if you lose trust and sack her with no evidence you will ruin her career.

I don't see how you can leave your child alone with this nanny for a second now tbh.
You'd never forgive yourself if you left them and the tip off was completely true.
you need to sack her and say something like your hours have changed or you no longer need her.

Look into it, whilst keeping an open mind. I was not working whilst the children were young and met a number of nannies plenty of whom were fantastic, but others awful. At least a couple were so bad that I would not have let them babysit my DC.

I remember saying to one mother that I really liked the new nanny. She confessed a friend had tipped her off about the old one. She had not been aware there was a problem however the change in nanny had brought about an almost complete change in her son's personality. He was far happier.

Another nanny was really weird. I did not know the family that well and they thought she was great. She seemed to have something against the daughter. One day she decided to punish the daughter (aged about 5) for some minor misdemenour by buying all the other children, and the brother, ice creams each but very deliberately leaving the girl out. I felt I could not approach the parents, but always felt quite uncomfortable, not least because both children always seemed quite anxious. Perhaps an anonymous letter would have been the solution....

How easy is to find good nannies in your area?

Because, if you sacked her, she'd be available for someone else to scoop up...

Nanny poaching is a thing round here

I'd take it with a pinch of salt because of the anonymous nature of it. I'd ask the child, and then sit down with her and see how guilty she looked.

Anonymous letters are shit, that's not how to deal with child safety issues at all.

I would want to investigate but some of those claims seem bizarre

As a parent I have had people look cross with me when I would say no they don't need biscuits for example at a baby group group. My child was around 10months old, ate breakfast at 9am, and this was 10am. I didnt want them eating a biscuit as they wouldn't take a breastfeed soon after and eat lunch if eating snacks when not needed. They weren't being starved having eaten less than an hour before.

Same with ' meanness'. Ds2 is 4. The other week he came in from the kitchen saying ' papa is being mean to me'. The meanness from his father was he wouldn't let him bake muffins at 10.45pm! Not exactly abuse

I think you have to show the letter to your nanny and see how she responds. As you presumably had no suspicions of her otherwise this seems fair.

Blimey, is this for real??!!

Firstly, how would these "parents" know this, if they have a nanny then it is unlikely that they are with the toddlers when they are with their nannies and where do they get this depth of knowledge from about what is happening (surely not first hand!).

It sounds as if your son is happy in himself, if he was afraid of her then it would show, does he get clingy with you when she is around, not wanting to go to her etc?

Certainly you cannot just sack her on the spot. I think you need to sit down and show her the letter, how old is she? Please allow her to bring someone with her to any meeting you have too.

I hope for all your sakes this is one big joke, and honestly - if other parents really thought this I think they would approach you properly not with some anonymous letter.

I have to put a different slant on CruCru's post.

As a child I would talk to anyone who showed me a moments attention and would try and play with anyone. I was not being well treated at home and was desperate for love. Obviously that is just my experience and 90% of out going children will be well loved and cared for.

OP, you can't do nothing. Try and find out who the nanny is and speak to her employers. I'd also be pointing out to them if they genuinely cared for your child's well being they would have the courtesy to sign the letter.

Nanny cam.

Speak to the nanny. Ask about the situation with him eating and gauge from her answer how to proceed.

There was a message on a mums fb group page that I belong to, recently, asking for the parents of a child to get in touch as someone was concerned about their many and the way she was towards the child. The only way they could identify to get in touch was by pushchair and cosy toes and child's clothes. The server was obviously concerned.

I'm always very sceptical of anonymity in this kind of situation especially as you would naturally need to discuss further.

Entirely possible it's an ex-bf, nanny poaching, falling out with another nanny surely if there are cp issues you'd have the guts to report and discuss properly?

Although I do also get this is your child and they must be protected but I think you'd know if your child was scared of her.

I would talk to your child at their level and the nanny.

Perhaps a good way to check with child is see how they'd feel if a new nanny suggested? If she's good he won't want her to leave.

I don't think children always let it show if they are afraid of an adult. If it were that easy we could spot abused children a mile off.

So you have had no worries about your nanny up to this point, and your DS seems happy with her. I can't believe people are actually suggest that you sack her on the spot without further investigation.

I agree that showing her the letter is the best way - you will be able to gauge quite a bit from her reaction. She might well have picked up some bad vibes from another nanny and be able to point you in the right direction. As for the other nanny getting into trouble, well perhaps she deserves it if this is the way she behaves.

I'd be far more inclined to trust my own instincts and experience than a nasty anonymous letter. Good luck getting to the bottom of this.

What a horrible situation. I don't know if this could be helpful, but we found out that our first nanny was hurting my child. He was only about a year old, but looking back, the signs were there. He would cry and cry when she arrived. He never smiled.

I came home unexpectedly, he was sat on the sofa in a dirty nappy...
...in the end our next door neighbour heard her shouting at him, and thought she heard him being slapped. She let herself in with the spare key, picked him up, walked out and called me. I fired her instantly because my gut instinct told me it was all true. And then it was all confirmed by other things, anyway.

The point being how is your child with her? Once I thought about it - it was obvious he was scared of her, but if he seems happy and content and settled, that might tell you more than a letter. That is not at all how my little boy behaved during the 3 months he was with that bloody witch.

As an ex nanny many years ago, I'm aghast at sending an anonymous letter, what a horrible thing to do. If they were genuinely concerned as they have an nanny themselves they should approach you directly with their concerns.

Is it possible someone is trying to poach your nanny, it used to go on when I was a nanny in the 80s. I was approached more than once to join another family, but I was very happy where I was. The only reason I left the family was because I was getting married and they wanted a live in nanny. Their new nanny left them with no notice, simply packed and left without saying a word, and went as a live in nanny with a family that had approached me at one time. So you may want to check to see if your nanny has been approached by another family.

It could also be that someone feels hard done by in their nanny job and would rather work for you and with your DS, so they are casting doubt on your nanny's abilities.

So talk to your nanny and your DS before doing anything.

I hope everything works out well for you.

I clicked on the thread expecting to think you should be really worried but the concerns do seem a bit wishy washy. You know that the food thing is unlikely to be true and "They also mentioned they didn't think he was supervised enough/properly and they worried for his safety" is very subjective. To parents/carers who helicopter over their kids at the playground, someone giving a child a bit more freedom can seem neglectful, but those more relaxed parents/carers would argue that freedom to explore and learn from mistakes if they take a tumble is beneficial to their development. Everyone has a different approach to risk. The physical abuse accusation also sounds like they are making quite a big assumption based on the behaviour of what you know to be an authorative nanny.

However, I know that it must be hard to shake, especially that feeling that if anything ever did happen you would never forgive yourself. I know that the nanny cam option is considered a bit of a nasty move on your part, but if I'm totally honest with myself if it were concerning my DS's welfare I would do it anyway.