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NewLP · 27/11/2006 09:35

Disclaimer ? Absolutely no offence meant to any fine Mners hailing from this area


A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in CanveyIsland.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately ?30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

?2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

?5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Breaking news

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you??

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex- oh, sod it; they won't be able to read it, anyway.

OP posts:
NewLP · 27/11/2006 09:36

Bah ? where did that rouge ? come from?

OP posts:
corrina28 · 30/11/2006 13:27

PMPL i live in essex!!

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 30/11/2006 13:34

I used to live in Essex (not born there) but I moved away to Surrey 6 years ago for work.

It was a lovely place and the people were really friendly and nice (especially compared to Surrey). So if anyone from Essex is reading this, take no notice, somebody loves you.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 30/11/2006 13:45

I posted this the other day!! Only one bugger laughed! Or even commented!

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