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Original poster

Something doesn't sit right - WARNING SENSITIVE

111 replies

poppitypopps · 24/03/2015 20:56

I manage an office workplace.

One of the girls is very quiet, quite subservient, pleasant and generall minds her own business (is a dream to manage tbh) and gets on with her work.

Recently some of her co-workers have told me she seems pregnant.

I had a very careful talk with her on tuesday last week when she confided that she thought she might be pregnant but was firmly in denial, and thought she might be about 6 months pregnant. (she cetainly looked very pregnant).

She had not tld her parents with whom she lives as she felt they would not be supportive as she was not married. She had also not told her partner as he would definitely not want to keep the baby as he is married himself and was having an affair with this employee.

On Friday the employee spoke to me to tell me she had told both her parents and partner and had visited the doctor (she had had time off so it as feasable), was told she was around 22 weeks pregnant and had been referred to a hospital {place name removed} to discuss the options. This appointment was booked for today.

Today she telephones the ofice to say that the "procedure" had been carried out, she was no longer pregnant and that she will be back to work in a couple of days.

I have never come across this kind of situation before, let alone something being discovered and "dealt with" (for want of a better turn of phrase) so quickly, and am not sure whether to believe the employee. That said, I can think of absolutely no reason why she would lie to me about any of this.

Please don't tell me this is none of my business, I have a duty to manage this team of people - something just doesnt sit right with me, and I feel awaful for even thinking this.

OP posts:
WayfaringStranger · 24/03/2015 21:40

Given the close proximity to the 24 week mark, surely the process would have to be sped up especially if she was certain that termination was her choice.

PegLegAntoine · 24/03/2015 21:43

It sounds like she's had a horrible time, not surprised you're worried but I think you can't actually do anything except provide a listening ear

maskingtherealme · 24/03/2015 21:43

Boysclothes I agree. I am not medically trained but am educated enough to know that you cannot go into hospital to discuss options and then be 'pregnant free' all within a 12 hour period - as this would be. Even I know at 22 weeks gestation, you would have to give birth.

I think OP has every right to feel 'something is not right'. OP manages this person in the work place and therefore has a duty of care IN the workplace and a pregnancy and/or abortion at whatever gestation can have a negative impact on the employees ability to carry out her duties. Also, the employee seems to be very 'open' about her circumstances so therefore it has everything to do with OP; duty of care and employee's choice to involve hr colleague in her personal issues.

I can understand people's 'horror' at the very topic of discussion and it being discussed on the internet but let's face it; there have been hundreds if not thousands of 'sensitive subjects' discussed on MN and if we were so concerned about people's private lives being talked about, there wouldn't be a MN. OP has NOT disclosed the employee's name, address, phone number, NHS number for God's Sake. People need to 'get a grip'. Even if this person recognises herself (doubtful!), it is unlikely the entire town or village in which she lives does!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester General pregnancy
msgrinch · 24/03/2015 21:44

Yes heed the advice but act in your professional role. You are her boss not her friends.

ragged · 24/03/2015 21:44

I imagine all OP can do is offer support and ask the woman if she needs anything. Stomp on any gossip if you can.
I agree it feels like something isn't right, but nothing I can see you can do about it.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 24/03/2015 21:46

If this person is indeed still of and in denial OP does have a duty of care to her in the work place. Say if she (far fetched but you get the idea) goes into labour or experiences complications or becomes ill at work as a result ?

It kind of is OPs business really.

Boysclothes · 24/03/2015 21:49

Wayfaring if you can come up with a way to "speed up" an induction of labour on a recalcitrant and totally unripe cervix, please do share it with obstetricians. The process takes a minimum of 60 hours currently. Not to mention fitting in the fetocide.

MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 24/03/2015 21:50

We've moved this OP, and removed some geographical details from your op.

msgrinch · 24/03/2015 21:53

The employee may have given the minimum detail to her boss. like most normal humans would. I wouldn't want my boss knowing everything. Abortion is legal until 24 weeks. end of. its rare for Un medical reasons hence the concern for the identity.

DeliciousIrony · 24/03/2015 21:53

4 working days is very quick, but it would have to be. As far as I know, it's not impossible, and I find it really unlikely that someone would lie about this (especially as you say she looked quite obviously pregnant).

I think you'll just have to assume that she's been truthful, see how she is when she returns and extend sensitivity and a listening ear to her if she needs it. I don't blame you for being concerned; to be in denial about a pregnancy for so long, and with a less than ideal relationship/family situation, to going through with an abortion so quickly must be arduous to say the least. Not really sure what more you can do at the moment though.

msgrinch · 24/03/2015 21:55

Fetocide doesn't need to be used in a thread like this. It's emotive enough.

unknownabc · 24/03/2015 21:56

Boysclothes Not going into details but I had a termination which would be the same process and it did not take anywhere near 60 hours for the induction.

Boysclothes · 24/03/2015 21:57

Fetocide.
Mife for 48 hours.
Back in for labour.

That's the process. I've been assisting at it for years and years.

eskimobiscuits · 24/03/2015 21:59

OP I really think you should just leave it to rest until she comes back to work and judge it for a few days. If you still have concerns either way then talk to HR. She sounds similar to myself though so maybe reach out to her and offer your support- assuming your really, really want to.

I have a manager who did just that for me and it's changed my life. Not only do I have an amazing friend & boss, but she has given me the confidence to build on changing other parts of my life.

msgrinch · 24/03/2015 21:59

Then you're doing it wrong. Two friends have had late abortions for medical reasons and my sil for her own mental health. It did not take more than 24 hours each time. If you work in this field you'd know that every pregnancy differs.

anothernamechange1234 · 24/03/2015 22:00

Maybe she's lied to you? Given you selective information?

I wouldn't tell my boss I was off for an abortion. I lied about the D&C I had after my miscarriage.

Ask her if she is ok, write it off as sickness.

GallicGarlic · 24/03/2015 22:01

You can have a late-stage abortion in a single day, though. It involves surgical dilation (with that seaweed stuff, perhaps.) Here's an account.

It sounds like she may have some aftershocks, OP, whatever happened. I'm pleased to hear there's support available and you are concerned.

Dr0pThePirate · 24/03/2015 22:01

Op,

Is this woman from a cultural or religious minority?

Boysclothes · 24/03/2015 22:04

FGS msgrinch. You think your experience of knowing a couple of people who've had late TOPS means I don't know what I'm talking about?

The actual labour bit can be like any labour. Long or short and no doubt that's the bit you heard about. But you need to do some stuff first and it takes time. It cannot be over and done with a few hours after you walk into a clinic and tell them you want it done. Just physically. It can't. And if you think it can, please explain how? What's the magic procedure that ends late pregnancies in a couple of hours?

grumbleina · 24/03/2015 22:08

Theorising from what you've said about changing details OP I think you're perfectly right to be concerned, and I understand why you'd ask somewhere like this, as it's not a straight employment question, but it's also not something you want to be asking people you know about, for exactly the reasons people are giving you a hard time about.

I don't know what, if anything, you can do. Is there a higher authority, either a person at your company or perhaps some sort of external but linked service you could speak to for advice? Basically, is there somewhere you can have your general concerns noted?: If they turn out to be nothing then no harm done, but if it turns out that there's something odd going on it may help you to help her in future.

.

msgrinch · 24/03/2015 22:09

calm down beaut. I'm not the only one who's disagreed with you, sorry my own experience doesn't fit with yours. As I stated everything is different with different people. I'm sure your years of experience trump my holding friends hands but don't jump to say it's a lie when people have experienced other things. Smile

msgrinch · 24/03/2015 22:10

Also you've neglected to read I've had an abortion. I know how it works.

LowryFan · 24/03/2015 22:16

Blimey OP I really do feel for you. And for the woman concerned. I have no idea what you should do really. My only suggestion is what I asked a colleague to do recently. They have some health issues affecting them at work but they won't tell anyone what they are. I'm a first aider and was worried about them taking ill at work. So they agreed to put a sealed letter in their desk drawer that I could give to ambulance crew if they ever collapsed. Not ideal but an idea anyway.

Feckeggblue · 24/03/2015 22:17

Boys clothes I'm
Confused too- are you referring to these procedures?

www.healthcentre.org.uk/abortion/abortion-stage-4.html

Both are described as evacuation (vacuum procedure) rather than labour which I'd compare with say, birthing a still birth from the way you describe it. I'm confused because like a few others here I know someone who had a late termination who certainly didn't describe it as giving birth.

HootyMcTooty · 24/03/2015 22:21

Is your concern that you don't believe she's actually gone through with a termination and is lying to you?

Frankly, I think you went too far enquiring about the pregnancy in the first place. An employee is not required to disclose a pregnancy before 25 weeks afaik.

Given what you now know, I think your only duty of care is to ensure she's fit to return to work and manage any gossip that might take place if it comes to your attention.