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Original poster

Something doesn't sit right - WARNING SENSITIVE

111 replies

poppitypopps · 24/03/2015 20:56

I manage an office workplace.

One of the girls is very quiet, quite subservient, pleasant and generall minds her own business (is a dream to manage tbh) and gets on with her work.

Recently some of her co-workers have told me she seems pregnant.

I had a very careful talk with her on tuesday last week when she confided that she thought she might be pregnant but was firmly in denial, and thought she might be about 6 months pregnant. (she cetainly looked very pregnant).

She had not tld her parents with whom she lives as she felt they would not be supportive as she was not married. She had also not told her partner as he would definitely not want to keep the baby as he is married himself and was having an affair with this employee.

On Friday the employee spoke to me to tell me she had told both her parents and partner and had visited the doctor (she had had time off so it as feasable), was told she was around 22 weeks pregnant and had been referred to a hospital {place name removed} to discuss the options. This appointment was booked for today.

Today she telephones the ofice to say that the "procedure" had been carried out, she was no longer pregnant and that she will be back to work in a couple of days.

I have never come across this kind of situation before, let alone something being discovered and "dealt with" (for want of a better turn of phrase) so quickly, and am not sure whether to believe the employee. That said, I can think of absolutely no reason why she would lie to me about any of this.

Please don't tell me this is none of my business, I have a duty to manage this team of people - something just doesnt sit right with me, and I feel awaful for even thinking this.

OP posts:

ginmakesitallok · 24/03/2015 21:05

It's none of your business, unless it impacts on her work or she comes to you for support. Agree with all msgrinch said above.

NomNomDePlum · 24/03/2015 21:05

i'm afraid this is none of your business. unless the woman asks you from assistance in some way, you get to administrate whatever sick leave procedures are occasioned, and respect her privacy.

MrsFlannel · 24/03/2015 21:05

MrsDerek or if it will adversely affect the Mothers mental health.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2nd trimester General pregnancy

christinarossetti · 24/03/2015 21:06

Yes, it would be possible if she went privately.

In fact, and others have said, the medics would want to ensure that they were as within the 24 week cut off as they could be.

Even if she went through the NHS, it would be likely at her stage of pregnancy that she'd be fast-tracked through once she had made a decision because of how far along she was.

How awful. She will need some sort of support in the next few months, although she may not want that from work.

rootypig · 24/03/2015 21:06

What exactly do you think anyone here might suggest you do, OP?

You are giving yourself a role in this woman's life that is utterly inappropriate. Hold her to the usual work standards, and if you feel she needs support, offer it.

Clue: theorising about her body, family and relationship on the internet is not support.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/03/2015 21:06

It sounds to me like she told both her parents and married partner she was pregnant and very soon afterwards a termination took place, within days.

WayfaringStranger · 24/03/2015 21:06

Has she given you any real reason to think she would be lying, except for the speed of the termination?

onepieceoflollipop · 24/03/2015 21:07

Even if she is lying (or more likely has only told you part of the story) you can't do much about it, you can hardly get a detective on to it.
I think if you really can't leave it, you need to seek guidance from the appropriate channels (as I said above) rather than via the internet.

MaidOfStars · 24/03/2015 21:07

What "doesnt sit right" is the speed this has happened
I get that. But what are you thinking might have happened?

She wasn't pregnant?
She's still pregnant?
She's been assaulted/forced into (or opted for) an unregulated termination, a back street job if you will?

rootypig · 24/03/2015 21:08

You know what, OP, I'm sufficiently bothered about this that I'm going to report the thread. How dare you, really.

velourvoyageur · 24/03/2015 21:08

First off thank you for being so thoughtful with your thread title :)

Secondly, have to echo everyone else here, sorry- she sounds like she's been professional as (I assume) always- if later issues arise then I'm sure you'll deal with them competently but at the moment, what is there to speculate on, really. You're her manager not her guardian.

christinarossetti · 24/03/2015 21:08

Abortion is legal up to 24 weeks.

The worker has spoken to OP about being pregnant and what sounds like an abortion - it is OP's business to a degree as her line manager.

I think OP sounds like she's trying to be supportive rather than putting the boot in tbh.

flabbyducks · 24/03/2015 21:08

What reason do you have not to believe her ?

It really is none of your business , back off and give the girl some space

IfMaybeBut · 24/03/2015 21:08

I understand your concerns. it does seem implausible and she seems to be under the influence of relatives and a married lover and you doubt they have her best interests at heart. However your boundary as a manager is to do a return to work, document it and be very gentle with her.

msgrinch · 24/03/2015 21:09

Yes it is carried out at that gestation and usually very quickly. My sil has experienced this due to her life situation and the fact it would impact her mental health.

My own 10 week gestation abortion was carried out in 7 days. From consultation to last tablet. Again if my boss posted about me on the Internet I'd have flipped. There's too much information here, not many women have late abortions.

magoria · 24/03/2015 21:09

I don't know is the simple answer.

Is she going to need extra support during this time physically? Wouldn't she have had to go through labour at that stage? Is she going to be in any fit state to return to work in a couple of days or will she be bleeding etc like women after birth? Maybe for quite a while?

I think HR may need to be informed in case there is anything that needs to be taken into consideration physically or emotionally.

rootypig · 24/03/2015 21:10

Agree entirely msgrinch I have reported the thread for violating this woman's privacy in several ways.

christinarossetti · 24/03/2015 21:11

mrsgrinch has a good point about how rare later terminations are, and so how potentially identifying this thread might be, even though it does sound like you had the best of intentions when you started it.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 24/03/2015 21:12

Do you think she is being forced in to something? Is she in danger? Did she speak to you as a way of asking for help?
If not, then there's not much you can or need to do. But at least you know that she felt comfortable enough to approach you in the past, and may do so again if she needs to.

SolomanDaisy · 24/03/2015 21:12

I think you're right to be worried about her, whether she is telling you the truth or not. It is more unusual to have an abortion at that stage of pregnancy and it sounds like she could have felt pressured into it. She probably won't have told many people and may need your support. If any part of the story is untrue then that's another reason to be concerned. All you can do is talk to her and let her know she can come to you if she needs help managing her workload.

Did you know you've posted in AIBU? There is little chance of getting balanced sensible advice on a sensitive issue here.

hestialou · 24/03/2015 21:13

At 22 weeks, wouldn't be simple take a pill, so would've thought it'd be more than a day or two. Maybe you misunderstood

rootypig · 24/03/2015 21:13

Did you know you've posted in AIBU? There is little chance of getting balanced sensible advice on a sensitive issue here.

I feel about as strongly as anyone on this thread and I would post the same wherever the OP chose to put it. AIBU has nothing to do with it. It is outrageous.

Carrie5608 · 24/03/2015 21:14

You can only act if you feel she is a vulnerable adult.

Yes she may be in an abusive relationship but if she does not disclose that voluntarily you can't do anything. You can't ask.

Only1scoop · 24/03/2015 21:16

I don't understand the AIBU posting.

All you can do is process her fit note etc and ask her if she needs support.

Obviously discourage and deal with any gossiping in the appropriate manner.

It sounds like it could be an awful
Ordeal she has been through but you don't know the facts and possibly never will.

StampyShortnose · 24/03/2015 21:17

HR person here.

You are speculating and theorising when it is not your role to do so.

You should do the normal return to work chat, ask how she is, if she is well enough to be back at work, whether she needs any support at work (e.g time off for medical appointment or flexibility with some tasks) etc, fill her in on anything that has been going on while she's been off, make sure she fills in the self cert form etc.

Other than that, there is nothing else for you to do.

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