Something doesn't sit right - WARNING SENSITIVE

[poppitypopps]

I manage an office workplace.

One of the girls is very quiet, quite subservient, pleasant and generall minds her own business (is a dream to manage tbh) and gets on with her work.

Recently some of her co-workers have told me she seems pregnant.

I had a very careful talk with her on tuesday last week when she confided that she thought she might be pregnant but was firmly in denial, and thought she might be about 6 months pregnant. (she cetainly looked very pregnant).

She had not tld her parents with whom she lives as she felt they would not be supportive as she was not married. She had also not told her partner as he would definitely not want to keep the baby as he is married himself and was having an affair with this employee.

On Friday the employee spoke to me to tell me she had told both her parents and partner and had visited the doctor (she had had time off so it as feasable), was told she was around 22 weeks pregnant and had been referred to a hospital {place name removed} to discuss the options. This appointment was booked for today.

Today she telephones the ofice to say that the "procedure" had been carried out, she was no longer pregnant and that she will be back to work in a couple of days.

I have never come across this kind of situation before, let alone something being discovered and "dealt with" (for want of a better turn of phrase) so quickly, and am not sure whether to believe the employee. That said, I can think of absolutely no reason why she would lie to me about any of this.

Please don't tell me this is none of my business, I have a duty to manage this team of people - something just doesnt sit right with me, and I feel awaful for even thinking this.

Hi OP
Given you've said that this is a sensitive subject you may like us to move it from AIBU to WWYD for example?
Let us know.

I have to. Abortion at this stage is so rare and whatever her reasons she deserves her manager to keep it confidential. As a manager you have to deal with many issues but you seek advice from the right channels (hr/acas etc) especially in such emotive circumstances. This is too identifying and that woman will be dealing with enough.

Of course speak to her and offer support when she returns to work but you have to keep the line of employee/manager there.

I am sorry for sounding intrusive, overly invested or otherwise.

I posted here because there is no-one else I can ask without breaching confidentiality. An although it may seem like this has happened here I can only say that enough details have been changed in order to protect this employee. Similarly I have name changed.

I am concerned for many reasons. The first because it sounds like she has been rushed into a decision I do not think she would have made herself. The second because I have a duty to manage sickness absences and the third because I have a duty to her in the workplace. It is a small team and given that many were already guesing at her pregnancy, there will be a good deal of gossip going on that I shall need to deal with, and am capable of dealing with.

I wanted to know, although I accept I probably did it too cautiously, whether this girl could have terminated her pregnancy in such a short space of time. I felt terrible for doubting her, but the whole situation seemed so implausable.

Thank you for those who have replied to me regarding this point.

Op please see you have given facts pertaining to city names etc which could out this woman.

Be very careful.

If she wanted a TOP at 22 weeks, it would be done quickly, as the legal limit is 24. It may be that she presented late, got fitted in for her anomaly scan, something horrendous was found that is incompatible with life and she had a TOP swiftly. Or she got it on request - it does happen.

I think you're getting an unnecessary flaming here, OP. Something isn't right. At that gestation she would have to physically give birth, I don't think she would be back at work very quickly. And the speed does seem unrealistic, surely more counselling would be involved (although I only know about terminations for medical reasons at that gestation, it may be very different in this case). I'm not sure what you can do though except normal return to work procedures and if there is counselling available through your company, make sure she is aware.

I do agree that it is a very short time period to be treated and possibly returning to work.

there will be a good deal of gossip going on

How true.

I didnt even realise it was posted in AIBU! I wondered why the replies were so terse, though I accept it is a very emotive subject anyway.

Yes please Olivia move it to WWYD or anything more appropriate please.

If her appointment was today she was calling from hospital as she would be kept in for 24 hours according to the nhs website.

I think you could rephrase this and post it in employment issues. I'm wondering if you think something else is going on like a faked pregnancy? If so you really need to talk to hr.

This is potentially identifying, I agree, because so few terminations are carried out this late and the OP has given details of a work team who suspect a pregnancy.

Best deleted.

OP, my terse reply was nothing to do with AIBU, I clicked on the thread from active chat and hadn't even glanced at the topic.

I cannot believe that you cannot see that this is outrageously inappropriate of you. You are on the INTERNET, not in your living room.

It's not possible for her to have had a TOP today.

The procedure for a post 20 week TOP is firstly fetocide, which needs theatre and/or doctor time, which I suppose is possible for her to have done today but I have never ever heard of happening. Normally you would get the counselling and scan on the first appt and booked for fetocide within the next couple of days.

You are then given a tablet or pessary and sent home for 48 hours and then return for induction of labour.

Super occasionally you can have a surgical TOP at this gestation but only in special circs. This still involves fetocide, a prostaglandin and TOP the following day.

I thought it was clear from the outset that the op didn't really believe the woman's story and doesn't know what to do.

I'd probably have a word with hr and then wait and see.

Coming from someone who is close to her manager:

I think it's quite endearing that you have made this thread in the first place- assuming you are approaching it from the point of view you are concerned about her not because you unsure if she is telling a lie and want people to give you their opinion on whether she is or not- IYSWIM?

With that said though- I do think it's overstepping the line posting this on here and i'd remove it. I would never drop my boss in hot water if she spoke about my private business without my knowledge but you never know if she would do the same.

All you can do is offer your support (assuming you want to) when she gets back to work. If you have no interest in supporting her- then take your nose out of her business.

I think the Op sounds like she cares rather than "gossiping on the internet"

I agree something doesn't sound right.

Phone the British Pregnancy Advisory Service for some advice on how to best support this employee. They are a service that performs termination of pregnancy up to the legal limit. It is feasible she was treated this quickly, as others have said. I very much doubt she is lying. Make sure you are fully informed before any back to work type interview as it would be awful if she felt you were suspicious of her.

I'd be worried too OP.

Im suspecting one of two things, either she is still pregnant and very much in denial. Or she has been forced into a situation she possibly didnt want to be in.

I feel really bad for her whether she is still pregnant or not. It certainly doesn't sit right with me either.

In late pregnancy she would've been rushed through for a termination if that's what she wanted. It would be arranged that quickly.

I think you're confusing your role as her boss with being her best friend.

How can you possibly know how she would react if she found out she was unexpectedly pregnant? If she has all the proper sick notes to cover her abscesses do you really think you should be investigating into what must an incredibly difficult time for her? If she doesn't want to talk about her home circumstances as long as her work isn't affected it isn't your business.

I don't know how big your organisation is but could you have a hypothetical conversation with someone in hr about how best to handle it as her manager?

It's not feasible unless there was some earlier stuff going on (I.e. She went and had the mife earlier in the week) and she didn't disclose it.

It does sound odd. I wouldn't have thought a TOP would be carried out in the day unless she has been attending previous apts that you are unaware of.

Are you suggesting that the pg is false or hat she has not gone through with the termination and is lying to her family and you ?

As in you are concerned for her health and the health of the child ?

Op I would have concerns as a manager in that situation too.

I can think of several possibilities all but one of which (she had already spoken to a doctor) are actually really disturbing.

People are weirdly misinformed on this thread. How do you think you "arrange that quickly" getting a 22 week old foetus out of a uterus? It takes time. It's induction of labour. There isn't a magical quick way. I'm labouring the point, it doesn't matter really because you just need to accept at face value what's she's telling you and accept you'll never really know. Just weird people are asserting so confidently that it's definitely possible when it actually physically is not.

OP I'd heed the advice of stampy here as it's probably the wisest I've read in this thread.