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Original poster

Do I contact this 'other woman?'

82 replies

Hoplikeabunny · 24/02/2015 22:52

I need to start by saying that I 100% trust my DH, so my relationship with him is not in question here. He has been an idiot, but I trust that he is telling me the truth. He is a good husband and a brilliant father.

DH has an ex girlfriend who has for the last two years been very present, and I have had enough! Despite the fact that she is married and has a child the same age as mine, she still seems to have an unhealthy interest in my DH. Ever since my DD was born two years ago, she has been texting my DH, private messaging him and asking to meet up with him. Those things bother me less than the fact that whenever my DH puts pictures of DD or anything relating to our lives (holiday pics, new house- basically anything involving me!) on facebook, she always leaves rude, passive aggressive comments, to the extent where I have frequently had other people ask me who on earth she is and why she is so rude. DH knows that this annoys me, but until now we've basically just humoured her and never respond to the comments. I had assumed that this meant that he also never responds to the texts and private messages etc- but I found out on Saturday that isn't the case, and that he does speak to her fairly frequently. After a particularly nasty comment that she wrote on FB last week, DH deleted and blocked her (without telling me), which prompted a very cryptic text message from her which I happened to see. I ended up having a row with DH about it, and demanded to know what her game is and what is going on. This is when I found out that they do speak regularly, but he says this is only because he feels sorry for her because she is unhappy. I also found out that when he was away on business last year (near where she lives), they met up for dinner. I am of course, not at all happy about this, and he realises that he has been an idiot and should have left her well alone, but I honestly do trust him when he says that absolutely nothing happened and that it was just dinner. (Not that it is okay, because it absolutely isn't, and he has a LOT of grovelling to do before I accept his apology.)

Anyway, it is pretty apparent that she is interested in him. I am so angry about the whole situation, I am not happy with DH because I think that by continuing to speak to her (and meeting up with her), he has been encouraging her behaviour, but I am also angry with her that she has the audacity to be so blatant about her interest in potentially breaking up my marriage.

My question is, what do I do, if anything? DH has promised never to speak to her again, and has deleted her from his life (well so he says, but I do trust that he is telling the truth, he is a kind, usually honest man, I think this whole situation has just sort of run away with him?). However, I am not happy that she thinks she has got away with this. I am contemplating sending her a message just asking her to please leave him alone? Is this a totally bad idea? The trouble is, DH is a really soft, gentle man, and he doesn't have an ounce of fire in him, which I think that she knows, so I don't trust that she will listen to him now that he has said that enough is enough?

Argh, i'm so angry and confused by the whole thing.

OP posts:

IchBinEinNerd · 24/02/2015 22:57

He should stop responding to her texts and messages. If he doesn't respond to them (or if he leaves it weeks not minutes) she will stop messaging.

If you approached her she'd think 'oh poor man, living with that shroo'. Unfair perhaps but that's what she'd think.

So does your h welcome her texts? That is disrespectful to your wishes. Remember to be angry at the person who took vows to be loyal to you etc... not angry at a randomer.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2015 22:58

You don't trust this woman but you still trust your husband ?

I would look a bit closer to home, sorry [sad

Your husband has deceived you in a pretty major way. He knew what he was doing bt secretly messaging, contacting and meeting this woman. Did those things happen by accident ? Did she force him ?

You are being played I am afraid. He sounds a long way from a "good husband and brilliant father". Good husbands and brilliant fathers do not let a 3rd party into their marriage.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 24/02/2015 23:01

Agree that anything from you will probably add fuel to her fire. I had a friend years ago who was having an ill advised and frankly stupid affair with a guy who had a fiancée. The fiancée texted my friend to tell her to back off and if anything it made the friend feel more justified in her actions. Obviously I'm not saying that your DH is having an affair, just that the woman is likely to see this as justification for her own madness.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

IchBinEinNerd · 24/02/2015 23:02

Re-reading again, her passive aggressive remarks on facebook sound like she feels she has some owner ship over him. Why would she feel that? What has he been saying to her. I'm sorry but I don't believe that she would put comments on facebook for all to see if he hadn't misled her about something. She feels pissed off about something. I wonder what. Something your husband did or said he would do but didn't.

No woman sets out to 'woo' a man out of his marriage by leaving "passive aggressive" comments on his fb. No, she has been lied to or lead on or mislead I think.

Original poster

Hoplikeabunny · 24/02/2015 23:07

I don't trust her because I don't know her, and I trust him because I know him. Yes he has deceived me, and I am extremely angry about it, but I am married to him, we have a child together, and I am not prepared to throw that away over this, because fundamentally I know that while he has acted like a complete idiot, he has not physically cheated on me. I just want her to go away and leave us alone.

No he doesn't welcome her texts, he responds if she messages him, but he doesn't actively encourage her any further than replying. (Which I know is encouragement, but what I mean is that he doesn't instigate the contact.)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/02/2015 23:10

You thought you "knew" your husband before you found out he has been secretly messaging and arranging meet ups with her

Was he going to tell you this ?

Original poster

Hoplikeabunny · 24/02/2015 23:16

Yes, true. However, I trust that it was one meet up (not acceptable, but I trust that nothing happened), and while I am not happy about the messages, they are only messages. No, he wasn't going to tell me, he was hoping to just delete her and that be the end of it.

OP posts:

PulpsNotFiction · 24/02/2015 23:16

Your DH could have nipped this in the bud a long time ago but he's fuelled her fire by responding to her for years! I'm sorry but you have your head in the sand.

He's flattered by it and he's enjoyed it or else he'd have been transparent.

Sorry

AnyFucker · 24/02/2015 23:17

In order to answer your question, what would you hope to gain by contacting the OW ?

Original poster

Hoplikeabunny · 24/02/2015 23:24

I am sure he probably is flattered by it, we have a small child, he hasn't had much attention from me for a while, so he's probably feeling hard done by (not that it makes it okay!) and I think it got out of hand. I don't think I have my head in the sand, I am choosing for the sake of my family to move on from this as best I can, and that means that I have to trust what he is telling me.

I want her to be aware that I know what she is doing, and that it isn't acceptable and that she has to stop.

Though from what others have said, it is probably best to just leave her alone.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/02/2015 23:28

Who are you blaming here ?

Everyone but him

You blame her, you blame yourself, you even blame your own small child

Put the responsibility squarely where it lies. On him.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2015 23:28

She knows what she is doing. He knows what she is doing. And he has been lapping it up.

AlpacaMyBags · 24/02/2015 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Hoplikeabunny · 24/02/2015 23:32

Sorry, but where have I blamed my child?! I do not blame her AT ALL! This has nothing to do with her. I also am not blaming myself, I am merely saying that he gets less attention than he used to. This in no way excuses his behaviour. I know it is his fault, but what am I meant to do, throw away the last ten years?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/02/2015 23:38

That wouldn't be you throwing anything away. That would be him. You are blaming yourself again.

Do you think it's ok for men to look for ego strokes outside of their marriage because their wife's "full attention" is understandably elsewhere ? Have you married someone so juvenile he cannot stand to no longer be the Centre of Your Universe ?

This is what you are saying, and you are excusing it. There are no excuses...there are only reasons. And he felt entitled to look for those ego strokes outside of your marriage. With the woman you are far too readily slotting into the cliche of Mad Bunny Boiler. He is pitiful, and you are letting him off the hook too easily.

Bluepants · 24/02/2015 23:45

No you are not meant to throw away the last ten years. But if you want to get through this he actually needs to tell you the whole truth so you can deal with it. You cannot get over or get through something unless you know exactly what it is. There are things that do not ring true in his story. I'm not saying he's had sex with her but he could have done. Men who've cheated generally deny it until faced with evidence they can't dispute btw so simply asking him isn't enough. I agree with others that you shouldn't bury your head in the sand by blindly accepting his shaky version of events and assuming she is deranged.

Contacting her to "warn her off" will do no good. Contacting her to ask what's gone on might give you some information but also might be a pack of lies. People who engage in affairs aren't exactly known for their honesty in this area!

I find it very hard to believe that if a person is repeatedly bugging you that you would reply to their messages. Giving them oxygen basically. Maybe your dh is innocent here, only he knows.

Original poster

Hoplikeabunny · 24/02/2015 23:47

But it's not just me and him in this family is it, we have a DD, and her life will be turned upside down if he has to leave. Plus, financially it wouldn't work because we can't afford to run two homes even if I did chuck him out.

Of course it's not okay for men to look for ego strokes outside of their marriage, but it happens and people have to decide how to deal with it. Fundamentally, I love him, and DD loves him, and in the long run it is better for both of us to make this work than it is to see red and chuck him out. It helps me to see her as a bunny boiler, and to be fair, she seems to fit the mould!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hoplikeabunny · 24/02/2015 23:51

But what if there is no more for him to tell me? At some point I have to trust that he has told me everything there is to know and rebuild from there.

OP posts:

CallMeMaybe · 24/02/2015 23:55

have you seen the messages op? Or have they been deleted per chance?

I would bet money that far more than dinner has gone on between them for the past two years. sorry.

Original poster

Hoplikeabunny · 24/02/2015 23:58

They have been deleted, which I know sounds convenient from his perspective.

I know that none of this looks good, but none of you know him, I really really believe he wouldn't cheat on me, I really do.

OP posts:

CallMeMaybe · 25/02/2015 00:03

you don't know him though do you op? He has been lying to you for the past two years, lying about what he thinks of her, what he feels for her, what he thinks of the messages she has been putting on his fb, and all the while he's been having secret text conversations with her, secret meetups, probably been having sex with her.

If the messages were innocent then why would he need to delete them? does he habitually delete all his text messages? or just the ones from his ow?

It's very easy for him to paint this woman as a deranged bunny boiler because you already have an opinion of her forged over the past two years. so he can continue to lie to you convincingly.

What did the criptic text say?

Sagethyme · 25/02/2015 00:16

I definately wouldnt contact her. And hope your husband is sensible enough to leave well alone. What it comes dowm to is this; do you trust your husband not to return her texts? Maybe ask your husband to leave fb for a while?
Goodluck

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2015 00:17

He has no loyalty to you at all.

For two years this woman has been publicly humiliating you and all the while he was on her side.

Not yours.

You were in the dark about the nature of your marriage.

She knew more about your life than you did.

He carried on a two year emotional affair with a woman who was openly vile to you.

This man is not a good husband.

He is dishonest, selfish, vain and he doesn't love you enough to out you first.

Fairenuff · 25/02/2015 00:25

What if he had slept with her OP, would you still want to hang on to him? You need to decide where your boundaries lie first. So far, you are saying you are willing to accept that he lies to you.

You call it a 'mistake'. Lying is not something that is done by accident. It takes a lot of careful planning. Mistakes aren't planned. It's clear that you are not ready to face this yet.

Newrule · 25/02/2015 00:26

There are trust issues that need addressing. The OW is not your biggest problem.

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