Do I contact this 'other woman?'

[Hoplikeabunny]

I need to start by saying that I 100% trust my DH, so my relationship with him is not in question here. He has been an idiot, but I trust that he is telling me the truth. He is a good husband and a brilliant father.

DH has an ex girlfriend who has for the last two years been very present, and I have had enough! Despite the fact that she is married and has a child the same age as mine, she still seems to have an unhealthy interest in my DH. Ever since my DD was born two years ago, she has been texting my DH, private messaging him and asking to meet up with him. Those things bother me less than the fact that whenever my DH puts pictures of DD or anything relating to our lives (holiday pics, new house- basically anything involving me!) on facebook, she always leaves rude, passive aggressive comments, to the extent where I have frequently had other people ask me who on earth she is and why she is so rude. DH knows that this annoys me, but until now we've basically just humoured her and never respond to the comments. I had assumed that this meant that he also never responds to the texts and private messages etc- but I found out on Saturday that isn't the case, and that he does speak to her fairly frequently. After a particularly nasty comment that she wrote on FB last week, DH deleted and blocked her (without telling me), which prompted a very cryptic text message from her which I happened to see. I ended up having a row with DH about it, and demanded to know what her game is and what is going on. This is when I found out that they do speak regularly, but he says this is only because he feels sorry for her because she is unhappy. I also found out that when he was away on business last year (near where she lives), they met up for dinner. I am of course, not at all happy about this, and he realises that he has been an idiot and should have left her well alone, but I honestly do trust him when he says that absolutely nothing happened and that it was just dinner. (Not that it is okay, because it absolutely isn't, and he has a LOT of grovelling to do before I accept his apology.)

Anyway, it is pretty apparent that she is interested in him. I am so angry about the whole situation, I am not happy with DH because I think that by continuing to speak to her (and meeting up with her), he has been encouraging her behaviour, but I am also angry with her that she has the audacity to be so blatant about her interest in potentially breaking up my marriage.

My question is, what do I do, if anything? DH has promised never to speak to her again, and has deleted her from his life (well so he says, but I do trust that he is telling the truth, he is a kind, usually honest man, I think this whole situation has just sort of run away with him?). However, I am not happy that she thinks she has got away with this. I am contemplating sending her a message just asking her to please leave him alone? Is this a totally bad idea? The trouble is, DH is a really soft, gentle man, and he doesn't have an ounce of fire in him, which I think that she knows, so I don't trust that she will listen to him now that he has said that enough is enough?

Argh, i'm so angry and confused by the whole thing.

I think many people keep in touch with ex partners/ boyfriends/ girlfriends and don't tell their partners because their partners might assume there is more to
it than there is

Bin85. If they're meeting up and deliberately not telling their partner, then their partners don't need to make assumptions. They are being deceived. Why one partner thinks secrecy and concealment is the best way to carry out parts of their social life is in itself a problem.

Have not read the whole thread, only skimmed so I apologise if this isn't relevant anymore...

This would be raising huge red flags for me I'm afraid. Of course, it's entirely your decision to believe your husband or not. I did throw away ten years for nearly the same thing as you. My STBXH was a self entitled brat, who felt hard done by when he was not the centre of my universe.
I wasn't paying him enough attention at the time as I was caring for his dying mother and had moved my entire family to the city where she stayed in order to do so. He felt the need to seek his comfort elsewhere. When I found out, I told him to go live his life elsewhere! (Was no where near as diplomatic with my language)

I know it's slightly different than your situation, but my point is, when my children were younger, he displayed the same behaviour as your DH is, keeping in touch with ex partners, and lying about it....

How long before he feels your attention is not solely his again and he takes it a step further. Of course, I may be projecting and this may never happen, but I think you need to be looking a little closer to home before this is resolved.

AuntieStella
You are right of course but real life is sometimes complicated.

I agree- I am on good terms with my major XP, we meet for lunch/a drink a few times a year, but he's also met more recent partners of mine and I've never felt any need to lie about it to new partners. He's a friend, who I used to be in a relationship with, and neither of us have any wish for anything more now- it's no threat to any future relationships for either of us, so no need to lie about it, by omission or otherwise.

OP I agree with everyone who is concerned for you placing 'blame' everywhere apart from your husband. As this plays out between the two of you one thing I'd be on alert for is any hint of him complaining that you don't trust him/don't believe him/are paranoid etc- it's not up to you to blindly trust him at this point. He has shown that he is not trustworthy. It's up to him to earn your trust - which needs complete honesty. It just doesn't sound like that's what you have at the moment, unfortunately. Sorry that you're going through this.

She's been publicly making nasty comments about you for TWO YEARS, and instead of telling her to get to fuck and blocking her he meets her for dinner behind your back!! Wow.

Why the fuck does he even have his ex on Facebook anyway? IMHO if there are no children involved then there is no need for any kind of contact between exes, especially ones who are nasty about current partners.

And really, you think that him finding an ex slagging you off is an ego boost is ok? Really???

I'm not suggesting for one minute you LTB, but if I were you I'd start digging, there is more to this.

Gosh this has been really tough on you OP and it sounds like it has all come as a bit of a shocker. I think from reading your posts you would forgive him whatever the situation as long as he was prepared to move on and not contact the OW again. I think if I was in your situation and I knew that I would forgive regardless I would still not want any uncertainties, what ifs etc having over my head for the future. So I would ask him if there was more to it and that you would be prepared to move on because you love him, but if he is LYING and you find out then that would be a completely different story. I think I would be listening to some of the other posters too unfortunately :( whatever the situation it sounds like you are prepared to move on and continue to have a family life together... But he should be sure he has told you the full truth. Good luck xxx

He's not "an idiot", though, is he?

"Oh poor silly little me, just a big old silly head just being all lovely and kind because I am so naive."

Come the fuck on.

If this was an ex who was normally nice to you, or indifferent to you, his lying about the extent of their relationship would prove him as deceitful and selfish.

But this is a woman who has been openly, publicly, rude and hostile to you for two years!

A truly kind and lovely man who loved his wife would not want to be anywhere near someone who treated her like this.

To maintain a secret relationship (of any nature) with a person who treats you so badly is appalling.

And that definitely happened.

Why is he so disloyal? Why did he pick her above you? (Because he did.)

Even if you know everything now (and you don't), he has been an absolute wanker to you deliberately and for his own amusement for two years, ie for your daughter's entire life.

You can't trust him 100%. He has not been on your side at the most important time in your life, when you needed him most.

Maybe you can get past this, but not on the basis of his current self-excusing fake remorse.

He's afraid to lose his family comforts right now. He's lying to protect them.

That's something you do know for sure about him now - that he is happy to lie to you to maintain situations that suit him, even if they hurt you.

If you think there is something worth saving here, you are not finished with this yet.

Stop blaming his ex. She sounds dreadful and like a total bitch. But he knew that and he spent two years picking her over you.

Why?

You need to find out.

So you trust your husband 100% but didn't know that he was in contact with her.

I'd put money on him having shagged her.

Men do not "innocently" take their ex out for dinner behind their partners back

Sorry OP

It seems unlikely the timing of her rudeness to you and greater visibility in his life and the birth of his child is a coincidence.

There are many possible explanations - but I would want to know why this all kicked off then.

OP, thanks for this post. I'm sort of seeing myself in your dp's actions, I've been in touch with someone from my past who I used to be attracted to. Now as I see what it could do to my partner, I'm going to delete his contact details and never speak to him again.

I never want to disrespect my wonderful hard working boyfriend again out of stupid curiosity.

Can I suggest you change the word 'idiot' in your vocabulary to 'liar'? Idiot implies your DH was merely a bit naive and didn't really understand the implications - of secretly messaging AND meeting with an ex-girlfriend who clearly still has feelings for him and wasn't afraid to drop massive, PA hints on Facebook about it.

Her presence in your life was upsetting you even before you knew about any of the above - and he chose to do nothing about it. He chose his ego over your happiness. Now he's admittedly to wildly inappropriate levels of contact between them, conveniently without any proof as to the true extent. He hasn't even given you proof that he's done the bare minimum to make amends - block her from his life. I'm not saying he hasn't done it, but he hasn't shown you his Facebook settings, how he's blocked her from his phone, etc. You're choosing to trust him because he's an 'idiot'. Don't trust him, because he's a liar.

Trust can be rebuilt. He can earn it back. But he simply does not deserve to have your unquestioning trust in him at this moment and to give it to him sends a message that you are happy to go along with this version of events that minimises his responsibility for what happened. He broke the trust in your marriage. It's now his job to fix it. You need to accept you don't know him as well as you think you do - he has the ability to deceive you and the inclination to do it when it suits him. And that needs to be the starting point for rebuilding the relationship.

Please don't contact this woman. You're not your husband's mother, and you can't manage his friendships for him. If you ask her to back off, it's a clear message to her that you feel threatened by her, and she will capitalise on that.

Your dh needs to block and ignore her, all by himself.

He has lied to you, he has deceived you, he has continued a relationship with a woman, in secret, who publicly insults your child.

But you're wanting to contact HER to tell HER to back off?

I totally hear you that you want to mend your relationship, but does he?

I would suggest a few weeks apart to get your head straight. I also think there is more to this.

An ex of mine once cried, on his knees insisting he hadn't done anything with another woman. To this day he is the most convincing liar I have ever encountered and I 100% believed his (many, many) lies time and time again. My friends, family and I all thought him to be innocent. It all eventually came out. In dribs and crabs, but by bit. What I mean by this is that no matter how well you think you know someone, you never can know. They will only ever reveal as much as they think they need to.

The deleted messages would be a huge red flag. He's covered his tracks which innocent people don't do. I see how difficult your situation is, I have a young DC and love my partner very much. This must be heartbreaking. I also know how easy and right it feels to demonize the OW but in reality it just gets twisted to make you seem bitter and unhinged. The OW doesn't care about you or your family and will revel in any attention you give her - however unfairly that may be.

If you want to take it all at face value now, that's your choice and your DP needs to be transparent in everything and you need to set clear and serious consequences for if he contacts her again. If he's serious and genuine, you can move past this but sadly in my experience once a devious prick, always a devious prick and my trust would be completely shot.

*drips and drabs, bit by bit!

Not crabs! luckily, given his habits

Your 'D'H has been enjoying an ego boost by having this woman hanging around after him. He has valued that ego boost above your comfort and feelings of security that would have come from not having her nastiness in your life.

What the woman wants or thinks is irrelevant. What you need to address is your husband's attitude to you. That doesn't mean you have to split up, but it means some serious attention and soul searching from both of you, quite possibly with some outside help and counselling.

Good post by tribpot

I've posted this before but my 'D'H was an amazing, trustworthy husband who would NEVER cheat on me or hurt his 3 children - until January 3rd this year when I found out he had been shagging my 6 year old's gymnastics teacher. Even when I found out he told me 'on my children's lives' he didn't do it and told me I was a fantasist and delusional.

The Facebook messages (I have screenshots of) show a 6 month relationship (involving lots of naked pictures and she is very very ugly, as is he) and they were laughing behind my back. He was messaging while I was in the room and she was saying 'not long till you're free of the witch'. He waited till I fell asleep on Christmas day after spending the day with my family to drive to her and shag her. Vile vile vile.

The worst part are the lies and deception.

Be very careful. Don't be a mug. I was.

Tell him you've found out how to retrieve deleted FB messages - ask him to see them and watch his face.

Somehow I don't think you've got the whole truth here - and I think you should dig for it.

Oh, and FGS don't contact her. Certainly don't say please leave my dh alone - that would just make you sound desperate, and no doubt make her feel unbearably smug.