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Original poster

massive moral dilema, please advise ladies (or men i guess)

26 replies

help44 · 30/12/2014 10:38

Hi all...

I will keep this brief for all concerned but this secret is burning me up and I'm not sleeping.

Simply a friend told me a few weeks ago that he has been sleeping with somebody behind his wife's back for over 3 years.

This is bad enough as i am committed to my dear wife and I have old values.

What makes it worse is his wife is my wife's best mate!!

There are 3 kids involved. It all makes sense as has been treating his wife like sh#t for years.

I've over analyzed this every day since he told me. I love his wife as a friend and as a dear friend to my wife. Their relationship is over as they haven't been getting on but from what I can gather she has NO idea what he is doing.

If I told my wife she is the sort that will drive up to their house ring the doorbell and floor him in the spot!!!

Were going out with them in a few days and its going to take all my effort to sit there and act normal!!..

Can anyone suggest what to do... It is eating me alive.

Many thanks!!
Ps the children are 6, 9 and 12

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 30/12/2014 10:44

If it were me I would tell your friend exactly what you have posted here.

You find his behaviour in lying to his wife cowardly and despicable and it has changed your view of him
That in telling you this he has forced you to lie by omission to both his wife and your wife , and that is in acceptable and unsustainable.
That he must now tell his wife because you will tell you wife imminently and she is likely to tell his wife.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/12/2014 10:44

Tell your wife, she's an adult and its up to her what she does.

The lie shouldnt exist between you and Her if it's her best friend. Your mate has put you in an impossible position, how clever of him to think he can get 'boys together' onside Hmm

He's a twat, dump him - support her.

AlpacaLypse · 30/12/2014 10:45

Oh crumbs... I was put in this position by somebody and like you found it incredibly uncomfortable. It was very hard to speak to the cuckolded friend without thinking about what I knew, and in fact I backed away from the friendship until thankfully they'd separated.

What I did do was tell my friend - the guilty one - to come clean to her husband. Which she (eventually) did. They are now divorced, reasonably amicably, and my DP and I have been able to rebuild our friendship with her ex husband. However, I've never been able to feel comfortable with the adulterous ex wife ever again.

I do think the children involved are happier now than they were before.

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DropYourSword · 30/12/2014 10:49

You'd have to wonder why he thought it'd be ok to tell you about this and expect you to not say anything. He's treating his wife like shit and put you in a horrible position. I'd talk to him and like pag says! tell him exactly what you think of him. Let him know you'll be telling your wife as you have no secrets. It's not necessarily up to you to tell his wife, but whatever your wife chooses to do with the information is up to her. Don't you get swept into lies and deceit.

Pagwatch · 30/12/2014 10:50

I was in this position too, several years ago. I told the DH who was being cheated on. I couldn't sit in the same room as the two of them knowing that she was constantly shagging someone else behind his back.
I warned her what I was going to do.

Original poster
help44 · 30/12/2014 12:21

Thanks all for your kind replies!

I can't handle it anymore and I think I'm going to have to tell my wife.

I'm sure he only told me to share the guilt/burden thinking I will 'keep my gob shut'. I knew something was up and played along with him (we were drunk) then he told me. He has told one other person but wouldn't tell me. He was in a way quite blase and was going into quite graphic detail at which point I said that's enough I don't want to know that crap... My parting shot was I'f this ever comes out it didn't come from me.

My wife will go ####ing mental so i know I have too tell her at that right time so she doesn't fly off the handle and react in a mental way. She will need time did digest it. She will have a go at me aswell for not telling her sooner.

The friend Has said ages ago the relationship has gone past the point of no return anyway and he said he's not moving out when it was suggested too him a while back. (she thinks he is just being a b#stard and I'm 99.9% sure she has no idea)

Me and him are nowhere near the friends we were to be honest.

I agree with above that i shouldn't have to carry this heavy weight and my wife is her best friend.

God I guess there is no right time is there!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
help44 · 30/12/2014 12:25

Just thought about my 2nd post. I think he feels the more people he tells then it may 'come out' and save him the hassle?

OP posts:
Original poster
help44 · 30/12/2014 12:28

Me again.

The reason it's so hard is myself and my wife have a very open relationship as in no secrets and we talk about EVERYTHING!

OP posts:
scousadelic · 30/12/2014 12:33

I would talk to him first, tell him that you cannot be expected to keep this secret and he should tell his wife. Make it clear that you will be telling your wife and are giving him a heads up so he can break the news himself first.

Pag's first post says it all really

MrsHathaway · 30/12/2014 12:33

Presumably he knows how things are between you and your wife. I think he told you because he wants to be found but is too cowardly to own up. He wants to be able to blame someone else if/when the epiphany ends his marriage.

In other words, I think he told you because he knew that would mean it would all come out in the open as a result.

So you tell. Whether you tell your wife or his depends on how close you are to his wife. Could you engineer to tell her with your wife there so they can hold hands together?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/12/2014 12:34

Tell your wife. Please do not cause problems in your own relationship by keeping such a huge secret from her. Your wife will find out eventually that you knew.

Moniker1 · 30/12/2014 12:37

I think if it was me I would tell the betrayed wife. If you can possibly find a quiet time to tell her. Then she can have her ducks in a row when he tells her.
If he is hoping it just comes out he is trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage. Hence I would tell the wife and find a reason to cancel the night out at the last minute as she will not be up to keeping up a brave face. Though if it's gone on 3 years she might already know.
Then ask the wife if you can tell your DW and what the wife would like to happen next.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2014 12:39

I would tell him that he has until to morrow night to tell his wife or you will tell yours and if you have to do that he'd better look out for his nether regions.

Maybe he hoped you'd tell your wife, so she could do his dirty work and be the messenger that gets shot?!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2014 12:47

Try to avoid being the ones to tell her, try to make him do it. Two reasons, one because you don't have any proof and so she will be left either denying it or trying to find proof, much easier for her if he admits it. Secondly, it's easier for her to let you be there for her and to support her if you aren't the ones who told her.

I forgot to say earlier, that you definitely need to tell your own wife, but convince her wait until her friends DH has gone past the deadline you've given him. Remind her it's better for her friend if he tells her himself.

Get it all done before the New Year.

steppeupunderthemisletoe · 30/12/2014 12:50

hmmm, sounds to me that he is hoping you will tell your wife and she will tell his wife and then she will leave and he doesn't have to make the decision to end the relationship. He is being manipulative.

Phone him, tell him you have to tell your wife as keeping a secret is affecting your relationship. Give him 24 hours head start, so tell him you will tell your wife this time tomorrow.

Then go ahead and tell your wife, make sure she knows that he had a chance to come clean with his own wife, so basically she is free to speak to he friend.

IBrokeTheInternetB4itWasCool · 30/12/2014 12:51

He shouldn't have tried to force a lie (by omission) between you and your wife. Tell your wife. What she does with the info is up to her.

MrsHathaway · 30/12/2014 12:52

Yes, that's a good point - he should tell her. Give him a very short deadline, like "tonight".

Original poster
help44 · 30/12/2014 12:56

I have to confess aswell the night he told me He was asking for ages would I ever go behind my wife's back... I said yes ONLY because I had had feeling what was coming next and then he told me. It then said I never want to hear about it again.

I know I have to be a man about it as the longer it goes on the worse it is for his wife.

I'm going to tell my wife tonight as i agree her friend has to have a clean slate for next year as she is wasting time as she could easily find a better man.

I admit I don't like the idea of confronting him and giving him an ultimatum as gutless as that sounds... I'm just being honest.

OP posts:
IBrokeTheInternetB4itWasCool · 30/12/2014 13:08

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum either. It's not really your place to be telling him what he should and shouldn't say to his wife - any more than it's his place to tell you what you can or cannot say to yours. Which is why you are perfectly entitled to tell your wife everything you know. Don't worry about him telling your wife what you said - I doubt he'll be able to deflect the focus of any conversation to that, and if he does nobody will believe him anyway.

grumpyoldgitagain · 30/12/2014 13:31

Well I have no idea what your wife is like but the thought of her going straight round after you tell her and flooring him when he answers the door is probably the least he deserves

Could you tell your wife but before spilling the beans make her understand that staying calm so she can tell her friend and not let him know that you have spilt the beans to them both would be better than twatting him

If his wife can stay calm enough and focussed after finding out then it gives her chance to gather evidence and then get herself sorted before she lets him know she knows and kicks his arse out

And if he has told you hoping it would come out then her keeping quiet while getting herself sorted won't give him what he wants by bring it out into the open straight away

bigTillyMint · 30/12/2014 13:38

I think you should man - up and tell him that he has put you in a terrible position as you do not want to be seen to be colluding with him.
That he needs to man- up and tell his wife now.
That he needs to tell his wife as you are going to tell yours and that she will almost certainly tell his wife.

steppeupunderthemisletoe · 30/12/2014 14:46

I don't think it is an ultimatum. You can't make him tell his wife and nor should you. It is, however, giving him the opportunity to be the one to break the news, if he wants to. You are not saying 'tell her by tomorrow or else I will' You are saying, 'tomorrow I am telling my wife, if you want to tell yours, that is up to you, just so that you know'

Interestingly, my dh and I never promise to keep anything secret from each other. I tell people that I talk things over with dh. I have a number of people who confide in me, and if I couldn't talk it over with dh I would need some other outlet, so I am careful not to make that promise.

steppeupunderthemisletoe · 30/12/2014 14:54

I don't mean friends having a chat, I mean people with fairly heavy stuff going on who come and talk to me.

oneowlgirl · 30/12/2014 15:06

I think he's deliberately told you so that you'll do the hard job for him & he won't have to tell his wife himself.

Horrible situation that he's put you in.

wyamc · 30/12/2014 15:17

I worked with a man who it transpired had been having an affair for the whole of his married life, raising two dc with his wife. He finally left his wife when the dc had grown up and gone off to college.

What I thought was how terrible for his wife, who had decades of living a lie. She could have been with someone who valued her and loved her. The dc could have had a father figure who wasn't ducking and diving, spending time elsewhere.

Needless to say his dc have nothing to do with him any more. I wonder why he did it. Was it extreme cowardice or did he somehow think this was the best way.

I think although it's hard, I would tell the person in these circumstances. You know them well and are absolutely sure.

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