Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

homophobic friend

16 replies

qweihdihgsd · 02/12/2014 14:57

So I went for coffee with a friend last week and we got onto the topic of infertility. I said that I'd love to be a surrogate one day, especially for a gay male couple (don't know why, it's just something I've had in my head for a while). My friend, my absolutely shock almost chocked on her coffee and said "urgh why?". I was gobsmacked! I asked her what she meant, and she said "well I don't agree with that" and I said "what don't you agree with, gay people having children, or gay people in general?" and she said "both" and her face just had a look of pure disgust. I was horrified! It's actually made me wonder if I want to be her friend anymore. With that said, I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. What would you do?

OP posts:

zippey · 02/12/2014 15:08

I would base my judgment on how much her homophobia would impact on your friendship. If you can overlook that and you both get on other than that, then continue with the friendship. If her homophobia affects your friendship or it her view repulses you so much (as your view might repulse her) then it might be time to call it a day.

Like you say, people have different opinions. Id tell her to get with the 21st century, we aren't living in Sudan or the 1950's Britian anymore! If she believes that women should be equal to men, and all races should be equal, then she should also believe that gay people should have the same rights as straight.

Chalalala · 02/12/2014 15:11

actually I don't agree that everyone is entitled to their own opinion - not if said opinion is racist, homophobic, sexist, etc.

that being said, I also think that ignorance is also an excuse, to some degree - your friend probably isn't a horrible person, she may just have been exposed all her life to prejudiced bullshit.

Personally I wouldn't let it fly, and I would try and discuss it further with her. At least let her know that I completely, whole-heartedly disagree with her, and why. Depending on her response, it could potentially really change the way I feel about her, to be honest.

Original poster

qweihdihgsd · 02/12/2014 15:20

hey, thanks for replies. I didn't really know what to say, so I just kind of said "ah well fair enough, that's your opinion" and left it at that because I was too embarrassed to say anymore. I'm certainly not one for forcing my opinion on others, and generally I embrace people having different opinions to mine, but this really did throw me.

The thing is, she's only 23 (as am I) and it just seems so sad that a 23 year old in the 21st century is so homophobic!

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/12/2014 15:24

I'd probably leave. I don't do 'ists' in my friendship circle.

Served me well so far.

TheRealMaryMillington · 02/12/2014 15:25

I couldn't be friends with a homophobe, or a rascist or a UKIP voter or is that the same thing?.

Original poster

qweihdihgsd · 02/12/2014 15:27

FunkyBoldRibena, I would've been stranded if i'd walked out, we'd driven an hour away for a shopping trip and she was my lift back! haha

OP posts:

Original poster

qweihdihgsd · 02/12/2014 15:28

Forgot to say, her bf is my bf's manager so kind of have to keep civil. Gets better and better doesn't it!

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 02/12/2014 15:30

I don't think I would continúe a friendship with a person who held the views your friend does. unfortunatley I can't drop my MIL unless I divorce DH and that's not necassery

zippey · 02/12/2014 15:31

Some people are homophobes because of their upbringing, religious reasons etc. I don't understand it, but if you believe in democracy and the right for freedom of expression then you have to believe in the right of people having opinions you disagree with too!

It would throw me as well. But if its not something which would be brought up a lot, and if she isn't involved in any hate gangs etc, and if she is a pleasant person outside this, I would just let sleeping dogs lie.

Or invite her for a DVD night in and watch the film Pride. Its absolutely brilliant and might educate her a little.

Chalalala · 02/12/2014 15:32

OP I get it, I probably wouldn't have known how to react on the spot, usually it takes me a while to get riled up, lol. I also try really hard to not judge people I disagree with, hell I married a Tory voter, that's how tolerant I am ;-) But we all have our deal-breakers, and for me that would potentially be one. Although I wouldn't just walk out on the spot, I would at least try to have a reasonable discussion about it first.

MrsCosmopilite · 02/12/2014 15:33

Personally that'd be quite a killer for a friendship - I've one acquaintance who is not comfortable with homosexuality.

I've not seen him in about 6 years and in the interim he's married and had children. Last time I saw him and we were chatting he said he would be happy with the idea of "watching two lesbians at it", but uncomfortable about going to the gym if he knew one of the guys in the same changing room was gay - he said "I'd have to keep my back to the wall". I challenged him by saying that I thought he was being really arrogant; most women don't fancy him, so why he thought a discerning homosexual would be all over him like a rash, I didn't know. He soon shut up.
He & I have similar upbringings and similarly aged parents, so I don't know why he's such a narrow-minded jerk.

AdoraBell · 02/12/2014 15:33

So do civil without the shopping trips/nights out and if you don't drive then learn to. Could be your New Year's resolución.

Original poster

qweihdihgsd · 02/12/2014 15:37

I do drive, but that has nothing to do with this AdoraBell. Even if I didn't drive, it wouldn't mean I had to stay friends with her, I'm not friends with her for her ability to drive.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 02/12/2014 15:48

Okay, I was just thinking if she'd driven because you don't. I've known people To put up with behaviour they don't like because of feeling like the person is doing them some kind of favor. And others who expect To impose their will because they do someone a favor. If that's not the case here then keep things polite because of the work relationship and limit the time you spend with her.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/12/2014 15:11

What's driving got to do with this?

OP I have friends that have very different views to me unless it affects our friendship I tolerate/ accept / them.

almostfullyfunctional · 07/12/2014 06:48

I'm a lesbian, I'd like to think that my friends would speak out for me and challenge this kind of thing, even if it were done after the event; 'you know that thing you said the other day, it really shocked me ' etc. They won't change their minds straight away, but it introduces an element of risk to being homophobic. Not sure about not being friends, certainly there is no point dropping her if she doesn't know why she's being dropped.

Homophobia is live and kicking at all ages, unforts.

Flip