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Original poster

Lift 'share' - should I end the arrangement?

32 replies

HainaultViaNewburyPark · 01/12/2014 20:44

I currently give someone a lift to work. I'm seriously thinking of stopping. She comes to my house (no way would I drive in the opposite direction to get her), and she is constantly 5-10 mins late. This really annoys me - especially as I only have a limited amount of childcare, so I'm not at all flexible with regard to working hours (she knew this from the outset).

She always has an excuse: lots of traffic so her walk across town took longer, alarm not going off, had to finish making her husbands lunchHmm.

The thing is, we work on a very remote site. The public transport is very poor (1 bus per hour, and you still have to walk 15 mins from the bus stop in the village to our site - the route is very poorly lit and goes through the woods).

She has been learning to drive since January, but hasn't passed her test.

I'm not sure what to do. Would it be OK to simply say that it is no longer convenient, and that come January she needs to make other arrangements? Or do I need to wait until she can walk the route to the bus stop in the daylight?

OP posts:
Katisha · 01/12/2014 20:46

I think you just say you can't wait 10 mins as it affects your child care so if she finds it impossible then sadly you can't continue

Llareggub · 01/12/2014 20:47

Weird. There's been so many problem lift threads lately I'd like propose they deserve a topic of their own.

Original poster
HainaultViaNewburyPark · 01/12/2014 20:52

I did go without her once (she knew I had to drop DD at a particular time, and was still late). I thought she might learn her lesson, but no - she is back to being late. She does tend to phone me and beg me to hang on, so at least I know she is on her way. However, I really want to be able to leave as soon as I am ready and not sit on my car for 10 mins waiting.

OP posts:
tippytappywriter · 01/12/2014 20:55

I think you should ask for a chat at work and explain your childcare arrangements again and that you can't be flexible. Say that you are happy to give her a lift but must leave on time. Say that you will be leaving on time and won't be able to wait for her. She'll soon get her act together (or not). I can't abide lateness and it would seriously wind me up. I know others are not like me but if you explain the impact on you she should respect you and get there on time.

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 01/12/2014 20:55

Say you'll be leaving at X time with or without her and it's up to her whether she wants to lift share or not anymore

fruitpastille · 01/12/2014 20:55

Warn her that you will leave exactly at the time you specify, whether she is there or not. Suggest she arrives early to be sure she doesn't miss you. If she doesn't, leave without her.

MehsMum · 01/12/2014 20:58

I'd just leave without her - say, when she phones, 'Sorry, no, I have to go now!' And go. If she complains, explain. She's really inconveniencing you and needs to sort her timekeeping out.

MistAndAWeepingRain · 01/12/2014 20:59

Warn her that you will leave exactly at the time you specify, whether she is there or not. Suggest she arrives early to be sure she doesn't miss you. If she doesn't, leave without her

This^^

Of course if you no longer want to give her a lift at all that is fine too. She is not your responsibility.

Original poster
HainaultViaNewburyPark · 01/12/2014 21:02

Last week she tried to claim that my watch must be fast. Not possible as it is set automatically via the radio time signal.

I might try having a chat with her. The clock in my car is 2 mins slow - if she isn't there by the time that clock shows the agreed departure time, then I'll leave.

We have a new policy at work which means that I'm not allowed to have my phone switched on if I'm in the car with the engine running, so I can use that to stop the last-minute 'I'm late' phone calls.

OP posts:
LegoAdventCalendar · 01/12/2014 21:03

Leave her! Why wait? Her tardiness is her problem, do not make it yours because you want to be nice when she is being so rude!

What Meh said but no 'sorry'. Why do you need to apologise?

She rings, don't answer if you're driving and have an accident/get points and a fine because of her.

ONE text warning: I need to leave at X. If you are not present, I cannot wait due to my childcare arrangements. I will leave at X with or without you.

And then do it and don't answer the phone.

She's not passing her test because she has no incentive to.

My BIL was like this because his mum or dad would get up and take him. When they became unable to, and none of us could or would give him a lift, he quickly passed his test.

Original poster
HainaultViaNewburyPark · 01/12/2014 21:07

She failed her first attempt at the driving test the week before last. Her next test is booked for early January.

OP posts:
itiswhatitiswhatitis · 01/12/2014 21:07

Just leave, don't answer the phone either. She clearly couldn't care less about inconveniencing you so i wouldn't worry much about upsetting her.

LegoAdventCalendar · 01/12/2014 21:09

Why use excuses? That is why and how people like this take advantage, because people are too wet to tell them, 'Take this or leave it,' and then do it.

No 'chats', either. Just 'This is how it will be,' and do it.

There's another thread on here about a liftshare that's nearly 1000 posts long, all because the OP was too lilly-livered to just tell the woman to her face that the liftshare was not working anymore for her and needed to end permanently.

Original poster
HainaultViaNewburyPark · 01/12/2014 21:13

So my original suggestion that I simply tell her that come January she will have to make other arrangements is OK then? That gives her 4 weeks to come up with an alternative.

I think I'd rather go back to just worrying about me and the kids ending up in the right places at the right time.

OP posts:
tippytappywriter · 01/12/2014 21:16

Of course it is OK. She is not one of your children.

LegoAdventCalendar · 01/12/2014 21:22

'So my original suggestion that I simply tell her that come January she will have to make other arrangements is OK then? That gives her 4 weeks to come up with an alternative.'

Yes, of course it is. You are not a bus, a taxi service or running a charity.

'This liftshare isn't working for me anymore. I have more pressing arrangements with my childcare. You will need to make other arrangements come January as I will not be available for lifts.'

MistAndAWeepingRain · 01/12/2014 21:22

Yes of course it's OK!

She is not your responsibility.

She is a grown up. She should be able to get herself to work without your assistance.

FishWithABicycle · 01/12/2014 21:24

YANBU to give an ultimatum that the whole arrangement will stop if this continues.
You need to say that you will be leaving at Xtime with or without her so you suggest that she should be aiming to get to you for X-10mins, rather than X because if one or other of you has to kick their heels for 10 mins it shouldn't be you.

TweedAddict · 01/12/2014 21:31

A bus wouldn't wait, so why should you

KatieKaye · 01/12/2014 21:32

Tell her you leave at X time. If she is not there at that time, you will leave without her. No waiting around for two minute or sending her a text or waiting 10 minutes because she's been dawdling. her being on time is a condition to you giving her a lift.

That's it. No exceptions to the above rules. You are doing her a favour - not the other way around.

It is her responsibility to get herself into work and getting the bus will be a whole lot more hassle than setting off a few minutes earlier to make sure she gets to work on time.

She has to take responsibility for herself, not expect you to do that for her.

When she is late and you have already gone, she will then have to explain her tardiness to work.

People like this will always have excuses for why it is different/difficult for them and they can't help being late. Do not buy into this. it is her problem, not yours. You are kind enough to give her a lift - but only if she bothers to turn up at the agreed time.

Original poster
HainaultViaNewburyPark · 01/12/2014 21:39

A bus wouldn't wait, so why should you

I keep thinking exactly this.

I had different childcare arrangements during the summer. I picked her up at a mutually convenient location. She was much better at being on time when she wasn't meeting me at my house.

Even if she was on time every day, I think I'd rather end the arrangement anyway. I already have enough to kept on top of without having to include an extra person in the equation.

In fact, my original post asked if it was OK to end the arrangement in January, or if I should wait until she could walk to the village in the daylight. I'm not considering continuing the arrangement long-term.

OP posts:
Original poster
HainaultViaNewburyPark · 01/12/2014 21:48

Although I admit the thread title is somewhat misleading - when should I end this arrangement? Would have been better.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 01/12/2014 22:39

You can end it whenever you want. How about ending it the moment she is late next? Ie leave on time or when you are ready from tomorrow onwards.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 01/12/2014 22:41

YANBU. I have a regular lift and I am SO anxious to not keep them waiting that I am always, without fail standing on the kerb before they arrive. I have to!

apotatoprintinapeartree · 01/12/2014 22:48

I would continue the lifts whilst its dark but only out of goodness of my heart Grin
In the meantime tell her that you will be leaving in future at x time and if she isn't there you'll go without her.

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