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Original poster

Possibly more a 'what would you have said?'

17 replies

MrsCosmopilite · 28/11/2014 18:56

Will try to keep this fairly short.

My friend's mother died recently. Friend has three adult children. Friend and children's father are divorced, both remarried. One child with her partner, the other two currently live with their father, as they work close to where he lives.

All three children attended the funeral. Friend's ex did not. Friend's ex lent one child his vehicle to enable them to the funeral.

After the funeral, at the wake, child who does not live with the father gets a text, "What are you up to today? Wondered if you were coming to us for Christmas?"

Just wondering what response would be appropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCosmopilite · 29/11/2014 10:02

Nobody?

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 29/11/2014 10:03

Who was the text from?

Original poster
MrsCosmopilite · 29/11/2014 10:07

Sorry - Just realised that was not clear. The text was from the child's father.

I was trying to keep detail low as I'm not sure if my friend is a MNer. Friend is unaware of the text her child received, AFAIK.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCosmopilite · 01/12/2014 22:11

bumping again in the hope of a little more feedback.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 01/12/2014 22:14

The appropriate response at the time would have been

I have just attended the funeral of X and am now at the wake. I don't think this is the appropriate time to make christmas arrangements, I will speak to you later.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 01/12/2014 22:15

The ex sent a text to the child she has with her partner?

SavoyCabbage · 01/12/2014 22:17

So it was this blokes former mother in laws funeral and the man texted his adult child asking what he was doing on the day of the funeral?

If so the adult child response could be

"I have been at gran's funeral today and then to aunt janes for the wake. Going to mums for Christmas and hoped to catch up with you on Boxing Day if you are free"

Or I might have got the wrong end of the stock completely!

feelingunsupported · 01/12/2014 22:19

What savoy said. And nothing to do with you that I can see.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 01/12/2014 22:20

Vitals response is probably what I'd have put too.

I'm intrigued though as to why you're asking?

Original poster
MrsCosmopilite · 01/12/2014 22:26

Please excuse bad patchy story but not sure if friend is an MN-er., and I typed original query when overtired.

All three children are hers and ex-H's. One child lives with their partner. This one received the text. Other two children borrowed Dad's car to go to grandmothers funeral - both of them live with Dad.

Asking as I was curious about how friend's ex thought it was in any way appropriate to send such a text to his adult child, when he knew full well where the child had been.

I was with the (adult) child when they received the text.

OP posts:
theprodigalmum · 01/12/2014 22:27

Some people become close to their in-laws and at the other extreme some don't get on at all. But I do think it was insensitive of the bloke to have not remembered it was his DC's gran's funeral.

For all he knew dc may hsve been really grief-stricken. Do you think he was being deliberately mischievous?

theprodigalmum · 01/12/2014 22:29

Sorry MrsC, x-post. Takes me ages to type on phone. Yes truly pernicious thing to do. Very bad form. No matter what he thought if his former mil. Awful man Sad

Original poster
MrsCosmopilite · 01/12/2014 22:35

theprodigal - he knew it was his ex-MIL's funeral. I never met him when he was with my friend (when she & I met they were separated) but he seems to have been an arse.

The DC who got the text was very upset by it as they were close to their grandmother and feel that their father tries to buy their affection with showy gifts rather than any actual emotional support.

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 01/12/2014 22:43

So the father of the adult child sent a text whilst the adult child was at his/her grandmother's funeral?

I would guess that the father had forgotten about the funeral. My response would have been "Grandma's funeral is today. I'll speak to you tomorrow" or similar.

Not sure it's as sinister as you're trying to make it OP. Insensitive, yes, but unless you're suggesting that the ex was being deliberately hurtful it sounds like he just forgot

theprodigalmum · 01/12/2014 22:44

It was a very tricky one. Difficult to say anything without overstepping the mark. (especially since you don't know the guy). I suppose putting on your best Dowager Duchess voice and saying "oh dear, that's a very surprising question to be receiving given the day. And then give your friends DC a little hug or hand squeeze & say "try to ignore it ". You must have felt very hurt for them.

What do people hope to gain by behaving cruelly like this?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/12/2014 22:50

The correct response would have been "Do you ever want to see your car again?"

Original poster
MrsCosmopilite · 02/12/2014 15:39

I gave the child in question a hug and said it was up to them what response they sent. I have known all the children since they were young.

There is no way the father forgot - he gave one of his other children keys to his car so that they could attend their grandmother's funeral.

OP posts:
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