Disrespectful DH?

[MummyKWP]

Hello. I'm a SAHM to a young toddler (I worked long hours in a demanding job for many years before having DD). DH works 9.30-4.30 (doesn't have a long commute)
I literally do everything in the house. I accept I should do all the housework because he's out working. But our routine once he's home from work goes like this:

5pm: DH home
Eats the dinner I've made him (I wouldn't make fancy dinners if it was just me, but I make them for him)
He sticks his face in his iPhone
I run DD's bath & get her milk & pyjamas etc ready & entertain her while setting up for her bedtime routine.
He might pop upstairs after I've bathed DD to kiss her good night
Sticks face in iPhone
I read DD a book & put her to bed
I go back to clean up DD's bath stuff & tidy up the bathroom after her bath etc
I clean up living room of DDs toys
I clean up DH's plate & Wash up after dinner
I Hang up any washing
I Make DH a sandwich for his lunch the following day
I finally sit down after being up since 5am with an energetic DD!
I love being a SAHM & don't miss the work environment.

However, I even do the typical "man" jobs around the house - DIY, empty bins, take bins out, garden, etc

Even at the weekends it's the same.

This morning he went to the gym early before work, but came home after the gym instead of going straight to work. He got back into bed (the bed I'd just made) instead of spending a bit of time with DD.

He went to work late & didn't make the bed after himself. I feel like I have to follow him around tidying up his mess. Or he follows me around messing up my tidying!!

I'm just venting really. AIBU?

YADNBU

As soon as he comes in the jobs should be fairly equally distributed, especially at weekends.

Ideally you should have an equal amount of down/leisure time, so work out a better division in your mind and go and speak to him about it.

Oops you wenatd a WWYD and not an AIBU

I would probably be passively aggressivley ignoring all his washing, stopping the cooking of naice meals and getting used to living in far lower stanards of domestic cleanliness, but then I am single so don't listen to me

You really need to explain to him exactly as you have done to us how unfair the situation is atm. If he's decent but a bit lazy and/or thick then he should change his ways immediately!

Yanbu. My dh doesn't get home till 6 but he still helps tidy up from dinner while I bath the dc, then he does story time while I see to the baby. That way we both get to sit down together in the evening

So wwid?

First, I would have a serious conversation with him and explain that it's not a fair set up and what I expected of him.

If things didn't change, I'd tell him to shape up or leave.

But definitely stop doing things for him.

It sounds like he hasn't adjusted to the new set up at all. Did he want to start a family? I expect he, like all new parents, is a bit over welmed with the reality of it.

WWID, as suggested above, you need to talk but only when there are not a mountain of chores to do. In reality what will happen is you'll snap and shout but that may be best. How would he be if you lost your temper at him?

Thank you everyone.
Pinkje - I rarely snap so he'd be shocked! I'm probably more passive aggressive if I'm being honest!
He definitely wanted a family (probably him more than me initially), and he adores DD. But I think maybe he's learnt this imbalance from his parents. His dad worked, his mum didn't. His dad expected dinner on the table when he got home from work etc. But he hates his dad & doesn't have anything to do with him - I know he didn't like the way his dad treated his mum. That's why it's strange. I don't think I could bring myself to compare him to his dad directly

Maybe you need to take the line of ' I don't want DD seeing me as the main carer (as you had) and her dad the wage earner '. It is not healthy for her growing up in that environment (or you!).

Good luck.

Thank you - I think that's a great idea actually. I'm going to try that. Thanks again

Start by stopping making his sandwiches

You need to introduce a fairer share of responsibilities, as well as just talking to him.

For now I'd focus on him getting to take on more of your DD's care as this is the easier thing to discuss - you want him to bond with DD and for her to feel comfortable with him doing things like the bath, nappy change, bed time routine. The rule in our house is that both of us are meant to finish at the same time, so if one person is clearing up after dinner, then the other person should be getting DS ready for bed. It's not as rigid now DS is older, but it was a good principal to try to stick to.

I'd also discuss what is a "chore" and what is just plain disrespectful. He should at least manage to clear away his own plate after dinner, the fact that he doesn't is an insult to you as it treats you as if you were his servant ( maybe word it nicer than that). Start asking him to do things like take out the bins - and then after a few weeks don't ask. If they don't go out then say - oh I thought that was your job and shrug your shoulders.

You could also stop doing the things that benefit him - why can't he make his own packed lunch for instance.

In the longer term, you may want to think about going back to work in some way, not in a f/t high flyer position, but something that means that you also have a bit of financial independence as right now your DH is not treating you as an equal, so it may be worth thinking about the longer term.

Go out for the day tomorrow and leave your daughter with him.

And stop doing these things:

the dinner I've made him (I wouldn't make fancy dinners if it was just me, but I make them for him)
I clean up DH's plate & Wash up after dinner
I Hang up any washing - stop doing his washing (and ironing)
I Make DH a sandwich for his lunch the following day

Just re read your OP. That bit where he came back from the gym and went to bed - that's just disgraceful. But to be honest, I wouldn't have let DH get away with behaviour like that. I would have plunked DD on the bed and told her to enjoy spending some time with Daddy whilst I had my shower. You need to start calling him out each and every time he acts like a lazy disrespectful idiot.

The sad thing I read from your post is that he appears to be having a very seperate life from you and your d. He doesn't seem to do family play time with your d or work as a team with you.
I agree that you do the chores as your at home. I don't see bins or gardening as man jobs. But that's my opinion. However in the evening and weekend the jobs should be done equally. Not just because they are jobs to be done but because you are a unit working together. This will also give you time to spend together with your d and have fun as a family.
Sometimes our lives can evolve and before we know it we are in a rut of doing things certain ways. We sometimes need to step back, say how did that happen and change it slightly. It could be your husband has just got used to it being like that. Don't go mad on him. Just have a conversation about it and hopefully it will change. If that doesn't work , then start getting stroppy. Good luck