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Original poster

Should I tell my friend?

65 replies

Hopingforpeace · 01/10/2014 04:14

About 2 months ago a group of my friends from uni met up at one friend's house with all our children. (Let's call her Maggie) Maggie's children are the oldest but only by a year. I have in the past avoided play dates with Maggie as she never gives her children into trouble and they run wild.
Since the meet-up was at Maggie's house and about 4 families were gathering and we hardly get a chance to see each other I decided to go along with my girls. Dd1 is 3yo.
The kids were all playing and I was sat at the other end of the room feeding newborn dd2. Maggie's children were being rough with each other and calling each other names but dd1 was happily playing with Maggie's dd.
Dd1 stood up, she was coming to ask to go to the toilet. Maggie's ds thought she was going to tell on him so picked up a plastic toy crate and rammed it into my dd's forehead about 4 times. I saw the whole thing but was at the other end of the room holding the baby so couldn't stop him immediately.
Dd1's head came up in an egg but with a dent inthe middle of the egg from the corner of the crate. She didn't cry much. I think she was in shock because she couldn't understand why he did it.
Maggie didn't give her ds into trouble. I asked her for an ice pack to bring down the swelling but she didn't seem that bothered by what had happened.
We left shortly after as dd1 was scared to play now and frankly I didn't blame her.
I expected the bump/dent to take a while to go down but after 5 weeks she still had a dent in her head. It looks like a dimple. I made an appointment with the gp. I was worried I was being ridiculous but the dent was and still is visible.
The gp appointment was this week as it is really difficult to get seen at our surgery. It wasn't an emergency.
The gp looked at her and questioned dd and myself about it. We were sent for an X-ray. It turns out she had fractured her skull.
Should I tell my friend that her son so violently hurt dd1 that he fractured her skull or should I just leave it. I won't be taking my kids to play with Maggie's again. Dd1 is too scared for a start. Part of me thinks that Maggie should be told as she thinks her kids are angels. This isn't the first time his rough play has ended with someone being hurt. However, this is the first time I have witnessed it.
Another part of me thinks it would be a waste of breath as Maggie won't listen anyway.
We don't know if the dent will ever fully go away and I shudder to think of the damage that could have been caused if he had hit her eye instead of her head.
I cannot make up my mind whether to say or not as it won't really make a difference.

OP posts:

Gen35 · 01/10/2014 04:33

I'd tell her because it's true and she needs to have full information, if I were the parent I'd want to know. Difficult because obviously he didn't intend to hurt your dd that badly but clearly he needs someone to work with him on his behaviour. Of course you risk a lot more aggravation for something that's already done, she may well get defensive and i can't see your friendship continuing but I still think it's the right thing to do, wouldn't hesitate for long. Give her the info, whatever actions she takes are up to her.

rootypig · 01/10/2014 04:47

Christ, that's appalling. How awful for your DD, and for you. Is she alright?

Yes, tell her, she really needs to know.

EugenesAxe · 01/10/2014 04:54

Bloody hell - are you OK? I rarely cry but that's the kind of thing that would just have me gasping in shock at what happened and what could have happened.

I'm sort of torn but the fact that he was capable of this would probably make me say something. Who would think a 3/4 yo would be capable of fracturing a skull? Your DD is mercifully OK, but if it happened again and lead to a bleed or something and she had played down the need for medical attention, it would be terrible. I'm getting a bit melodramatic....

I think you could say matter-of-factly rather than critically.

Original poster

Hopingforpeace · 01/10/2014 08:07

That is exactly how I feel - torn. Dd is fine now but the mark on her head may remain with her.
I obviously won't be taking my kids to play with Maggie's again. Dd1 saw a picture of them and said he was a bad boy.
He is a big strong boy but I was shocked at the damage done. I think Maggie will not take it well and I'm sure there won't be much of the friendship left which is a shame. We have been friends for almost 20 years.

OP posts:

honeysucklejasmine · 01/10/2014 08:12

I would certainly tell her. That's outrageous behaviour and she needs to do something about it. I'd be mortified if my children hurt someone else's so intentionally!

MarchEliza · 01/10/2014 08:16

Yes you must tell her, how horrible. I would actually feel quite cross with her that her inability to control or discipline her children has led to such an injury, and that she seemed so blasé about it.

After all at 3 he doesn't know any better if he hasn't been told and it could have been even more serious and next time might be.

Whereisegg · 01/10/2014 08:24

Bloody hell!
I think I'd tell her, and I would certainly want to know if my choice had caused such an injury!

Whereisegg · 01/10/2014 08:25

*child not choice ffs.

ChippingInLatteLover · 01/10/2014 08:30

Yes, tell her. She needs to sort herself and her children out if this is typical behaviour.

Original poster

Hopingforpeace · 01/10/2014 08:55

She will undoubtedly remain adamant that it was an accident. But I saw the whole thing. It wasn't an accident.

OP posts:

Gen35 · 01/10/2014 08:59

Just tell her calmly you can't accidentally bash someone 4x over the head...she's no reason to think you are lying even if she wants to.

Dumpylump · 01/10/2014 09:01

Yep, and you need to tell her that as well.....she isn't doing her children any favours in the long run by dismissing concerns about their behaviour.
It seems as though you're resigned to the fact that she's going to react badly when you talk to her, so I wouldn't skirt the issue.

Inkspellme · 01/10/2014 09:09

yes tell your friend. I would email her and describe exactly what her injuries are. I would also point out that being hit once with a toy could be described as an accident. four times can not be. I would also say that it is an unreasonable response of her child even if he felt provoked. (am Not for one min saying he was provoked but just trying to head off her excuses before she makes them).

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 09:15

Of course you should tell her! He could have killed her, OP. Thatmfrendship would be over. I cannot believe so many people put up with 'friends' like this and are so afraid of being assertive they'd even hesitate to tell this gal her son seriously injured another child. WTAF?

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 09:17

I wouldn't give a shiny shit if she said it was an accident. In fact, I'd report the incident to the police because I'd be afraid the medics would put SS on to me. This stupid gal needs a wake up call before this kid goes on to injure another child or worse.

reddaisy · 01/10/2014 09:21

Out of interest, how old is her DS? I would definitely tell my 'friend'. Although any friend of mine would be mortified if their DC had hurt my DC so I would not be friends with her anymore.

NewEraNewMindset · 01/10/2014 09:22

My god this story is awful. Absolutely tell her but I wonder of face to face would be better?

DorothyBastard · 01/10/2014 09:25

Tell her. And then cut off the friendship, you need to protect your DC.

SavoyCabbage · 01/10/2014 09:27

My friends dd has a scar on her forehead because another friends ds hit her with a Thomas train when they were two. They hadn't known each other long and the first friend thought it was a one off but soon discovered otherwise.

emsyj · 01/10/2014 09:39

Yes, you must tell her.

RosieProbert · 01/10/2014 09:42

Jeez, I'd tell her! To be perfectly honest, I think her lack of interest regarding the ice pack etc would've been the death knoll of this friendship for me. If my ds had done that I'd have been beside myself. You deserve better friends than this! I hope your dd is okay x

MindReader · 01/10/2014 09:48

I'd report it so it is clear in your dd's records what happened.

I'd also tell 'Maggie' that I'd needed to do that and why.
A fractured skull is serious and your dd is 'lucky' that she has no long lasting damage (apart from a scar/dimple).

A child that age needs to understand bashing over the head 4 x is not okay. It must have been done with some force too.
'Maggie' needs to go over and over this with child so another child isn't hurt like yours has been.

MindReader · 01/10/2014 09:49

Oh, and I wouldn't pay much attention to her 'response'.
This is not a friendship to continue anyway, given the lack of care re icepack as you were feeding your newborn.

micah · 01/10/2014 09:49

What did you tell the GP? Did you tell him it was a deliberate injury?

Tbh a child that age deliberately fracturing another childs skull should be reported to social services. The friendship is obviously over now anyway so if the GP hasn't done it I'd report the incident yourself. It's likely he's done it to other children, siblings could be at risk, and he'll only get bigger and stronger.

If you tell her, tell her straight. DD has a fractured skull from a witnessed, deliberate attack, and have been advised to contact SS to protect DD and other children.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 09:54

I would definitely report it. Call 101 and see what they advise. But just leave it? That may well come back and bite you in the arse. That's a serious injury and it needs to be clear in her records how it came about or you could find yourself in some hot water.

And yy, he may well go on to injure someone else. SS needs to give this dozy bint a wake up call, but I am honestly stunned some people are so afraid to rock the boat they would even consider not telling someone that their child fractured a 3-year-old's skull.

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