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Original poster

Should I tell my friend?

65 replies

Hopingforpeace · 01/10/2014 04:14

About 2 months ago a group of my friends from uni met up at one friend's house with all our children. (Let's call her Maggie) Maggie's children are the oldest but only by a year. I have in the past avoided play dates with Maggie as she never gives her children into trouble and they run wild.
Since the meet-up was at Maggie's house and about 4 families were gathering and we hardly get a chance to see each other I decided to go along with my girls. Dd1 is 3yo.
The kids were all playing and I was sat at the other end of the room feeding newborn dd2. Maggie's children were being rough with each other and calling each other names but dd1 was happily playing with Maggie's dd.
Dd1 stood up, she was coming to ask to go to the toilet. Maggie's ds thought she was going to tell on him so picked up a plastic toy crate and rammed it into my dd's forehead about 4 times. I saw the whole thing but was at the other end of the room holding the baby so couldn't stop him immediately.
Dd1's head came up in an egg but with a dent inthe middle of the egg from the corner of the crate. She didn't cry much. I think she was in shock because she couldn't understand why he did it.
Maggie didn't give her ds into trouble. I asked her for an ice pack to bring down the swelling but she didn't seem that bothered by what had happened.
We left shortly after as dd1 was scared to play now and frankly I didn't blame her.
I expected the bump/dent to take a while to go down but after 5 weeks she still had a dent in her head. It looks like a dimple. I made an appointment with the gp. I was worried I was being ridiculous but the dent was and still is visible.
The gp appointment was this week as it is really difficult to get seen at our surgery. It wasn't an emergency.
The gp looked at her and questioned dd and myself about it. We were sent for an X-ray. It turns out she had fractured her skull.
Should I tell my friend that her son so violently hurt dd1 that he fractured her skull or should I just leave it. I won't be taking my kids to play with Maggie's again. Dd1 is too scared for a start. Part of me thinks that Maggie should be told as she thinks her kids are angels. This isn't the first time his rough play has ended with someone being hurt. However, this is the first time I have witnessed it.
Another part of me thinks it would be a waste of breath as Maggie won't listen anyway.
We don't know if the dent will ever fully go away and I shudder to think of the damage that could have been caused if he had hit her eye instead of her head.
I cannot make up my mind whether to say or not as it won't really make a difference.

OP posts:

Blu · 01/10/2014 10:03

I would definitely tell her.

I would write a calm clear factual letter, saying what you saw, and that whilst you realise he didn't deliberately intend to do that amount of harm you feel she needs to know what level of harm children can cause to each other.

Tell her you are sad to raise this as you have been friends for so long, but that you have thought about it and would want to know if it were the other way around. And that you don't want any thing to be not known equally by either of you. You are sure she may be upset by you telling her but that you are also upset that this happened.

Then the ball is on her court - she will either get a handle on her kids, or not. She will either apologise, or not, you will remain friends, or not.

But you can't go on pretending to be friends knowing that this happened to your dd while she sails on in blissful ignorance.

Did any other the other parents see what happened?

andsmile · 01/10/2014 10:12

I hope you DD is ok. How awful for you.

Tell her

Is she blind - she is either lazy or one parent who is in serious denial about her kids behaviour. Aggression clearly unchecked has esculated to a point where this child has seriously harmed your child.

I felt quite mad reading your OP, I dont know how you kept your tounge? Kids misbehave but the lack of parenting is infuriating

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/10/2014 10:21

Good god. Yes absolutely tell her. OMG I can't believe she has let her kids play so rough that they are even capable of fracturing someone's skull.

I'm. Stunned tbh

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/10/2014 10:28

Oh my god.

Yes tell her. The friendship will be over if you don't tell her, for certain, because you will never want to put your kids in danger again by going anywhere near them.

The only way to save the friendship is to tell her. If she responds appropriately with an apology and agrees to moderate her kids' behaviour then maybe you can continue.

But she needs to be told either way.

furcoatbigknickers · 01/10/2014 10:31

I would tell her snd tbh that would be the end of the friendship for me

inloominotnorti · 01/10/2014 10:35

How can you not tell her?

He doesn't know his own strength has low impulse control and sounds slightly immature.

Yes you can let the mother suffer her kids being excluded, because nobody has the balls to tell her straight out that she needs to put a stop to it fast, or you could be a real friend, explain what's happened. If by some terrible misfortune this happens again, you would kick yourself that you didn't stop it.

I would approach it not out of anger, but concern, and suggest that the mother does need to be more hands on with parenting, until her children learn how to control their feelings in public.

Sorry about your daughter by the way, and I hope she is ok now.

scarletforya · 01/10/2014 10:39

Yep, tell her and tbh I would drop her as a friend. Something is wrong with a person who is so blind to their child's bad behavior that they allow this.

Absolutely terrible. I would have been incandescent.

Original poster

Hopingforpeace · 01/10/2014 10:46

My immediate reaction whilst I was in her house was to phone the police but I decided I was over-reacting as I was hormonal having not long given birth.
He is a very big, strong 5 year old. My dd is a petite 3yo- more the size of your average 2yo.
The friendship has been dwindling anyway because of her inability to discipline the kids.
I never dreamt this would happen though.
The other adults didn't notice what happened. One taking a child to the loo. The other was with Maggie taking Tea and Coffee through to us. The way that Maggie minimised it made me feel that I must be overreacting.
I would hate to hear he did similar to someone else and they were not as "lucky" as dd.

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 01/10/2014 10:46

Exactly what Blu said. It leaves the door open on your friendship if she chooses to acknowledge what her child did.

LeftRightCentre · 01/10/2014 11:51

I can promise you, the GP and hospital will not 'overreact' to an injury like this.

I would ring 101 and get this logged.

I have a very large 5-year-old. He has ADHD and high-functioning autism. He knows not to play rough with others because he can really hurt them.

I would be mortified if he did this to another child, would not have dreamed of minimising this had he done it, and followed up with the parent to make sure the child was okay.

This parent is failing this child.

Someone in authority needs to step in and make that clear to her.

BaffledSomeMore · 01/10/2014 12:03

I had a friend like this. Past tense.
I was the one person who tried to be upfront about it rather than just bitch behind her back. The talk didn't go well. She was in total denial and utterly rejected my concerns.

A number of years on we have tried to resurrect an adult friendship but she's still in denial and I can't get past that. Meanwhile he is still talked about by everyone and she doesn't understand why her friends melted away.

AlmaMartyr · 01/10/2014 12:12

How awful for you and DD. I would tell her. If I was her I'd be horrified and would want to know. That said, it won't be an easy conversation and does sound like you will probably lose your friendship. I was in a similar situation recently and lost a few friends which was very hard but think I did the right thing. Good luck, I hope your poor DD is OK.

Original poster

Hopingforpeace · 01/10/2014 13:58

I phoned her as I won't have a chance to see her without the kids for a while. I wouldn't take dd1 as ive told her she doesn't have to play with him again. She is scared of him.
Things went exactly as I expected. I stayed the facts and that I'd had to take her to the doctor about her head.
She denied he meant to hurt her. I agreed that he probably didn't mean to fracture her skull but he did mean to hurt her. He doesn't realise his own strength and he seems to need help to how to control his behaviour.
She became very defensive and saying that people are ganging up on her as she doesn't want her children to be frightened of her and she believes in gentle parenting.
I've no idea what "gentle" parenting is.

OP posts:

micah · 01/10/2014 14:19

If people are "ganging up" then it sounds like he's hurt other children.

I'd report to SS or phone 101 to get it logged at the very least. The more evidence they have the more chance of getting him help.

TrisisFour · 01/10/2014 14:27

OMG - that is horrific. Tell your friend and don't tell her softly. Clearly she is unable to control her children if they're often naughty and don't get told off.

Like others have said, I would not continue this friendship. I would tell her that her inability to control her child has led to your DD having a fractured skull. It could be that she knows exactly what they're like but is embarrassed so just lets it go. Am I right in assuming that this DC is NOT school age? She is going to have a nightmare when he starts school if that is the case!!!

She has 'allowed' this behavior and may actually directly be the cause of it worsening because she hasn't nipped it in the bud. I would be so bloody angry.

In fact I am, on your behalf!

pearpotter · 01/10/2014 14:32

Well done, OP. You have done the right thing.

AppleAndMelon · 01/10/2014 14:36

That's awful. So glad you said. I know a few victims of gentle parenting, which loosely translates as not bothering/being able to parent at all.

Good she feels ganged up on - it might make her look at things more objectively.

Hope your daughter is OK.

BaffledSomeMore · 01/10/2014 14:52

Makes me laugh that when the mother of a physically injured child tries to talk to the mother of the aggressor, the mother of the aggressor acts like words have injured them and everyone is out to get them.
The irony is lost on them.

Stupidhead · 01/10/2014 15:04

Gentle parenting? FFS. I hope your daughter recovers soon, just drop this family like hot coals. I have no doubt they'll be another incident with another child.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 01/10/2014 15:10

Sounds like her idea of 'gentle' parenting is lazy half arsed irresponsible parenting. What other trouble is that poor boy going to get himself into?

Think you need to cut your losses there. You've told her, it's up to her if she doesn't want to act but you don't ever have to see her again so it's not your problem anymore.

Hope your poor little ds is ok. Christ, you did bloody well to keep calm. I've have gone postal. I can't bear spiteful little bullies like that. You're right, nobody does something by accident four times.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 01/10/2014 15:11

*dd not ds, bloody fat fingers, sorry.

BrieAndChilli · 01/10/2014 15:18

Her reaction says it all really, if my child hurt another child so much it fractured her skull I would be falling over my self to make amends, seeing if anything I could do, sitting my child down and make them apologise etc etc. I would be mortified.
Ds2 age 3 is currently bein a bit too rough while playing, pushing and hitting etc, every time he does it and I see he gets made to apologise and I explains it's not good behaviour etc, if I get a bad report from Playschool he isn't allowed TV when he gets home etc. no way would I allow his behaviour unchecked to the point he seriously injured someone
To be honest I would probably tell the other mums who were there the outcome too as if god forbid he injured one of their children I would
Feel so guilty ad who's to say next time e doesn't case a brain bleed and a child could actually die

If the mother had been apologetic and horrified over what happened I would remain friends, after all children do lash out, play rough etc but her reaction would mean I would find it hard to remain friends.

RosieProbert · 01/10/2014 15:19

I think you did the right thing. I think your friend is in denial.
Hope you're okay and that your dd is too x

middlings · 01/10/2014 15:29

I couldn't get past this. I have to say I'd never be seeing her again. I have a number of uni and school friends that I've had for that long and longer and I'd lose contact with this one.

Hope your DD is ok.

ChoochiWoo · 01/10/2014 15:30

Was she abused as a child op? Is that was all the 'gentle parenting,' is about. Even so, you've done the right thing.

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