WWYD??

[EatDessertFirst]

I have made a lovely group of 'mummy friends' since DD started Reception in September. The four of them knew each other before as their kids all went to Nursery together, and they kind of adopted me into their group. We've done playdates, birthday parties and up till this week its been great.

The issue only concerns one of them. She has an ex-partner that is, lets say, an unstable person. He has no fixed abode (sofa-surfs with his mates, stays at hers occasionally) and she has had trouble with drug dealers turning up her house to look for him resulting in some pretty terrifying events for her. I have always listened to her, lent her money occasionally (which she has always paid back) and just generally been there without getting overly involved. I have only met the ex-partner once as far as I was aware he had no idea where I live.

So, my friend went on holiday with her DS last week, due back this weekend. On Monday, her ex-partner turned up at MY door stinking of booze. He claimed that he had snapped her bank card and didn't have access to any money. He seemed really desperate to get hold of my friend but she has no signal. I said I would try to get hold of her (not sure how when she has no signal!?) and that I didn't have any money to lend him. He looked like he might go for me, then clocked big, burly DP standing in the window watching out for me and he made a hasty exit.

On messaging the other mums in the group it turns out he called one of them and turned up at anothers house looking to borrow money. They both refused. Now, I'm paranoid that he will come back. We haven't been home the last couple of days so on my first day at home on my own with the DC, and with DP working all day the next four days, I'm twitchy.

My WWYD questions are:

Should I just leave it and see what my friend hascto say when she gets back i.e. did she tell him where I live? If she did, how do I let her know how angry I am without making a huge drama of it? Our kids are in the same school and I don't want to lose my nice group of friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing. Any advice from you wise ones would be awesome.

What a difficult situation. I think I'd be inclined to call the police (possibly 101) for advice/ to let them know what's going on.

Probably ask your friend if she knows how he found outwhere you live. But iit's entirely possible he spotted you in town & followed you home at some point, he may have done the same to the others.

Thank you for replying. Urgh, just thinking I might have been followed home is creeping me out.

I didn't know if 101 would take me seriously as I only have his first name?

I'd tell your friend about it. Maybe she can't control his actions but she can control her own. How does he know who you are / where you live / that you loan her money? Has she told him you're a friend, rather than someone she says hello to? Does she borrow money from you to give to him? I wouldn't want her telling him anything about me. If the only way of getting him out of your life (and your children's) is to become a casual friend of hers then it seems a small price to pay.

She borrowed money off me (about £30 in total over a month) because she said she was struggling on her benefits. She has been here a couple of times for playdates.

I'm being mugged off aren't I? I don't want to be suspicious of someone that appears to be struggling as a single mum but in the same vein I'm not up for being involved in drama that is nothing to do with me.

You are right mipmop. It may be time to be less avaliable.

I'm definately going to ask her what she has told him about me. It will be a good starting point as to what I do next.

Thanks for your replies. I'm really twitchy and hypervigilant and DP is quite angry at the bloke just turning up here so I think I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

I'm just thinking that if you've only met the guy once, it's a bit odd that he turned up at your house, and something I'd want to ask about. Will you be able to have a proper chat with the other friends about the situation?

I really would phone the police if he steps foot near your house. You feel threatened and scared that is reason enough to call

I would be wary of giving friend too hard a time. She may need help and support rather. If he is like that with you, a stranger, can you imagine what he is like with her?

Calling the police may well help her out too.
Also wondering if he actually stole her bank card. Why would she leave it with him if she is both short of money and on holiday?

i know this is not your problem but he sounds like an abusive pita and she has probably already lost enough friends because of him.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that DessertFirst gives her friend a "hard time". I'm sure DessertFirst can ask a few questions and decide what to do from there. It's clear this guy is living a chaotic life. If OP wants to keep her family away from that, she'll probably have to ask a few questions of (all?) her new friends to find out more about what she can expect.

The other mums did say in their messages he had form for this sort of thing but I don't want to pry too much until I talk to my friend first as I feel that would be inappropriate. I will talk to them if the situation warrants it. Thanks for your input Peas. It really helps to get some different perspectives.

In hindsight I took his word for it that the bank card was hers but be was probably showing me an old one for sob story leverage. I just hope that I can support her without getting sucked in. I was a single mum for a while so I do understand her struggles and I will always help her (though maybe not through loans!) if I can.

He probably followed your friend not you and saw where she visits. She will probably be mortified when she finds out what he's done. She needs help getting him out of her life.
You weren't taken as a mug lending her money as she paid it back. She might be put under a lot of strain to give him money and ends up going without because of it.
He prob won't bother you again as it was unsuccessful. But if he does then inform the police.