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Original poster

I read DDs texts [blush]

27 replies

SueDunin · 05/03/2014 19:37

I read texts from DD's (16) BF (15). He said he was camping in a public field with friends but his mum thought he was at a mates for a sleepover. He was texting to persuade her to go and join them. She told me he was at a mates for a party as she wouldn't say where and looked a bit shifty I said no.
My dilemma is that his mum is a very close friend. I feel bad withholding his deceit from her yet have been deceitful or at least sneaky myself.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Amandine29 · 05/03/2014 19:39

Say nothing and don't read any more texts.

If you say something your daughter will know what you've done and probably never trust you again.

Lovepancakes · 05/03/2014 19:40

I would own up to your deceit to your friend now you already now and explain it's very sensitive information so she pretends she doesn't know but can keep an eye on it. I don't know if that's the best thing to do, but given she's a close friend I think i'd own up and share discretely as helpful to make sure teens all ok

purpleroses · 05/03/2014 19:42

I wouldn't say anything unless you have real reason to think the BF's in danger. Otherwise you're telling on him for lying to his DM, but would have to admit to having been deceitful yourself... I think it's much your likely you'd damage your relationship with your DD.

You could try and initiate a general chat with his mum about sleepovers and whether you check up on them or not, and say vague things about you'd heard of some kids who had been lying to parents.

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Original poster
SueDunin · 05/03/2014 19:56

I'm torn. You all speak sense!
I agree, I don't want DD to know I read her texts. But can't decide whether to be straight with friend about what I saw - confidentially - or, and I quite like purple's suggestion, initiate a general chat about sleep overs and lying.
What's sad is her older son has pushed a few boundaries but DS2 has always been quieter and more sensible and she has so much trust in him, I don't want to shatter that.
Thanks for your responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
SueDunin · 05/03/2014 19:57

Ps Amandine I've not read any since. Blush

OP posts:
maggiemight · 05/03/2014 20:01

Am surprised as I thought camping in public field was a rite of passage for most teenagers (including me). It will be bluddy freezing at night so they will prob only do it once!

Is it somewhere dangerous, near an edge of cliff or something?

peggyundercrackers · 05/03/2014 20:07

It's nothing to do with you what he tells his DM, it will only lead to hurt if you interfere.

Original poster
SueDunin · 05/03/2014 20:09

He is only 15 Maggie and no it's not near a cliff but in a field with a fast flowing flooded river running around it and they're all drinking. And I do hear you re right of passage, our son camped in same field from 16 onwards several times but always in the summer!

OP posts:
Original poster
SueDunin · 05/03/2014 20:10

Yes Peggy I realise that but I feel a sense of duty, if you like! to protect him.

OP posts:
dyslexicdespot · 05/03/2014 20:17

You could call the mother ask her for the name of the friend whose house her son said he was at. Tell her you would like to double check that everything was kosher before you allow your DD to go.

Then call the friend, confront your daughter, find out the truth from her and then phone the boyfriends mother and tell her.

peggyundercrackers · 05/03/2014 20:19

But the reality is it is not your duty to protect him, he's a teenager who is out having a bit of fun, leave them be to their fun and find something else to fill your time with.

dyslexicdespot · 05/03/2014 20:25

I don't have teenagers yet ( thank the gnomes), but I would never be able to forgive myself for not interfering if something bad happened to the boy.

As adults we have a duty to protect children, even if we did not give birth to them. If the OP feels that he might be at risk she really should tell his mother.

LiberalLibertine · 05/03/2014 20:28

This is why you shouldn't invade your daughters privacy.

Just leave it now.

Amandine29 · 05/03/2014 20:33

I really don't think what he's doing is such a big deal. Regardless you're priority should be your relationship with your daughter.

Amandine29 · 05/03/2014 20:34

Your not you're! Angry

ClaraFox · 05/03/2014 20:38

Would you want to know if this was your 15 year old son?

I certainly would. I'd thank you for it.

headlesslambrini · 05/03/2014 20:42

I really don't get this 'don't read your teens text's - invasion of privacy' thing. Presumably, it's the parents who pay the bill - IMO they have every right to monitor what they do on the phones. My DC's know that I check their phones on a regular basis.

Teenage years are the time when they are most likely to start smoking, underage sex, be exploited, sexting, get drunk and pass out and a 1001 other things. We don't let them out of our sights when they a little for fear of falling over and bruising their knee, but parents are happy to let do whatever at the time when they need more guidance.

ClaraFox · 05/03/2014 20:46

I always ignore the ' invasion of privacy' brigade.

It's your job as a parent to know what your teenager is doing and to keep them safe. Of course nobody is the slightest bit interested in who fancies who / who said what at school etc, but a quick skim through on occasion is not invading their privacy .. It's ensuring that they're not in any trouble.

Things happen online. Teenagers have trotted off to meet boys that they believe to be 17, who turn out to be 49 year old men ... With disastrous consequences. And the parents always say they had ' no idea..'

No idea because they held bizarre views that they were somehow invading theirs child's privacy by ensuring they were safe?

Wouldn't happen in my house

Amandine29 · 05/03/2014 20:51

It's different if they know that you're going to do it. Fine if that's part of the deal. But if you do it on the sly you will break down the trust she has in you and then you'll have less chance of finding stuff out in the future.

MostWicked · 05/03/2014 21:21

So if you buy your child a diary or a pen and paper, you have the right to read what they write, and you have the right to stand outside their bedroom door listening to conversations they have with their friends and surely you can bug their rooms, after all, you pay for everything and you have to keep them safe and the only way to do that is to keep tabs on them all the time.

At what age is your child allowed to have any privacy?
If your child knows you read their texts, they are going to be even more secretive and it does nothing to build trust.
If they don't know and they find out, they are likely to be hugely disappointed in you and it will destroy any trust you had.

You teach your child to become adults, you don't control them.
At 16, a child has a right to expect some privacy.

ClaraFox · 05/03/2014 21:37

it doesn't work like that, mostwicked. there's something called 'middle ground.'

no.need for sneaking around or bugging bedrooms or reading diaries. To use an example, sensible parents allow Facebook at 13 and say that they wish to know the password. they explain the reason for this and they explain the dos and don'ts of what's acceptable and that from time to time they'll have a little look. this avoids this ' trust ' issue.

if you choose to be ignorant to what your child is doing then that's fine. but you can probably expect a few shocks along the way at some point that you chose to be oblivious to

MostWicked · 05/03/2014 22:14

Its the concept that children, particularly teens, are not entitled to any privacy that I have a problem with.
Checking up on them and telling them off when they have done something wrong, doesn't teach them to make better decisions. It teaches them to be more secretive.
There is a big difference between keeping an eye on a Facebook account of a 13yr old with their knowledge, and reading the text messages of a 16yr old behind their backs.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/03/2014 13:49

You have every right to read your dd's texts if you so wish, you pay the bill presumably. It's not snooping it's keeping tabs on things and making sure she's ok.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/03/2014 13:50

Surrey, just re read that your ds is actually 16! I take all that back!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/03/2014 13:52

Sorry not surrey-stupid auto correct!