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Original poster

Trapped giving lift to school

83 replies

gardenfeature · 13/02/2014 07:06

School is a few miles away and students can pay to go on bus or get driven by parents. Back in Yr7 a parent asked me if I could take her DS. We are more acquaintancies rather than close friends. Fast forward to Yr9 and I am stuck with this kid in my car and am beginning to resent it. My DS cannot stand him and moans continually about. He is a dead weight, never says a word and his presence inhibits our natural family conversations. There have been a few instances of him leaving school early and then me waiting for ages for him to turn up because nobody told us or my DS being off school and my DH collecting this kid but not even being thanked by him or him coming out really late after I asked him to be really early - these instances are rare. His mum is always charming and apologetic whenever these instances occur. Even having to turn around my car in the morning to go in the right direction to pick him up is annoying me. They do give minimal petrol money and are always really really grateful. The dad meanwhile is taking other kids to different schools.

I just cannot face telling the mum we don't want to take him anymore as it sounds dreadful and cruel. I am thinking about putting DS on the bus for a term as an excuse and then reverting to lift taking but without telling.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Pollydon · 13/02/2014 18:00

Been there, done that

How about

Hi (boys mum)
Just to let you know in good time, I will be unable to take boy to school when they return after Easter.

Don't explain or apologise, the other mum will try to use this as a reason to try to talk you round

HowGoodIsThat · 13/02/2014 18:08

yy don't try to offer reasons or make excuses. Just give a reasonable notice period and tell them the arrangement ceases. You have done your time. If pressed, just say that the arrangement no longer suits you.

BelleateSebastian · 13/02/2014 22:38

Am I the only one who couldnt bang out the mn gold standard of 'that doesnt work for me'? I'd feels such a twerp twat saying it!

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BumpKitty · 14/02/2014 00:08

No belle I couldn't do it either and I definitely couldn't not give a reason or excuse my mouth would just go ahead and babble on to make the situation less awkward. Maybe we need to practice!

MrsShrek3 · 14/02/2014 00:17

we had this. a one-way arrangement, and unpleasant, cocky child to boot. A simple "sorry we can't take (Child) to school after half term, we're letting you know now so you have time to make arrangements" - end of. no explaining or waffling.
good luck.

DavidHarewoodsFloozy · 14/02/2014 00:25

Can you get a motorbike with a side carriage? .

No, I feel your pain, I drop a neighbours child to school (primary), tbf she,s a lovely child, but my dd 6 is unreasonably jealous, the other child is tall and well built so sits in the front.whilst dd huffs and puffs in the back.

Do a DM sad face, and say you have stuff going on and need to stop the lift.

MrsShrek3 · 14/02/2014 00:32

motorbike

also warn your ds to say "don't know" to any quizzing from the other kid as to why no lift.

stayathomegardener · 14/02/2014 00:39

How about saying that your DS is very behind with his.....French(Maths,English whatever) and you are going to use the journey time to listen to language CD's.
Not something you would want to do with an audience!

MrsRuffdiamond · 14/02/2014 00:48

Usually at that age, they're plugged into something on the way to school! If he was listening to his MP3 player, for example, you could just carry on your family conversations as if he wasn't there.

Maybe suggest this to his mum, saying that he seems a bit fed up/bored on the journey. This might also gently alert her to the fact that all is not well.

Good luck. It is a bit of an awkward one.

Sharaluck · 14/02/2014 00:51

Just say your not going to be able to take him anymore. Sorry. Things had changed and it is not going to work for you anymore. If she pushes for more info, just say you don't want to go into reasons but you just can't commit to taking him anymore.

That is all you need to say. Keep it simple and don't give reasons. You don't need to justify your change of mind to her.

YeahThatsWhatISaid · 14/02/2014 01:01

All this angst and resentment is very silly (sorry OP ) It is simple, you just have to say that you are sorry but you are unable to continue to offer a lift. I wouldn't say anything more other than a general vague excuse. I definitely wouldn't mention that the boys don't get on.

Perhaps you could give them a good few weeks notice.

Original poster

gardenfeature · 14/02/2014 06:21

I think that giving them a massive amount of notice is a very good one. That way, they won't think that the son is the problem because we will still be taking him for a further few weeks/months. I am even thinking that I could say that from September I won't be taking. That feels like light at the end of the tunnel for me. She is definitely going to phone and ask why though.... I'm such a wimp!

OP posts:

Sharaluck · 14/02/2014 06:27

No I don't think you need to give more than a couple of weeks notice. If she asks why just say that you don't want to go into the reasons why, but it has to change. Tell your son that you can't commit to giving the boy lifts anymore, that is all (just in case the boy starts asking your son about the change).

Timetoask · 14/02/2014 06:32

This is the reason why I would never agree to do this sort of favour on a permanent basis, a couple of weeks would be fine, even a month, but not forever.
OP, I would tell her exactly what you have said here (but then I'm not British so tend to be a bit more blunt!).

ProphetOfDoom · 14/02/2014 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaynebxl · 14/02/2014 06:40

Well personally if it is only a min drive I don't think you're missing any great conversation with your own child. However I certainly wouldn't be picking the other child up. I would be asking the parents to send him round to yours by xx time and to say you will be picking up from school at xx time and if he isn't at either you will have to go without him as you need to be somewhere in between. And if your child is off school they need to make their own arrangements. This would make the next term and half easier if you're planning to stop altogether in the summer.

MichonnesSamuraiSword · 14/02/2014 07:29

I've just thought o f a good excuse. Tell her your DS is going to start some extra tuition after school, or you've joined a club together, or you have a new work commitment which you'll be going to after school. You can't tell which days it's going to be as it may vary, so you can't do lifts any more.

There's no wriggle room out of that for her. That's what I'd go for.

But then I'm a wimp and I'd rather make up excuses than be blunt.

YeahThatsWhatISaid · 14/02/2014 09:51

Don't wait until September! That would be daft, leaving it until Easter would be plenty.

Be strong

Tryharder · 14/02/2014 11:20

Cancel if you really want but your reasons for doing so sound a bit crap.

It doesn't matter if your DS and this boy are not bezzies as long as the boy is civil and punctual.

If it doesn't hurt you to give him a lift I would continue to do so. But you sound quite mean spirited about it, so probably best to stop.

Tryharder · 14/02/2014 11:22

Saying 'that doesn't work for me' just makes the sayer sound like a twat.

OddFodd · 14/02/2014 11:35

Just tell her you're not going to be driving to school after Easter - your DS is going to start cycling so you can't offer her DS lifts any more.

I think you should let him at least try the cycling. Two miles is nothing on a bike. You could always cycle with him a couple of times to keep an eye on him - if there's a cycle path, it should be safe. And if that doesn't work out, then you can go back to driving.

Surely you wouldn't pass this other boy at the bus stop because he'd presumably be long gone by the time you drove past (as buses are slower than cars)?

rookiemater · 14/02/2014 18:14

I'd give a partial version of the truth. Say that as your DS gets older you don't get to spend much time with him so the trips to school are important to you.
Also as the boys are now 13 ( is that the right age?) you feel that the boy would be ok to get a bus, you could also mention that your DS is thinking of cycling some times and you want the flexibility to let him do that.

I'd let her know it was stopping at Easter because that will give them time to get the bus sorted.

Eastpoint · 14/02/2014 18:18

We had something similar and one day I just got fed up & rang the mother & said I was sorry but I was unable to help any longer. She asked me if there was anything they could do & I just said no. Awkward as they live next door but not as bad as dreading taking children to school or picking them up. I felt so much happier as soon as I'd spoken to her.

NatashaBee · 14/02/2014 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crashbangboom · 14/02/2014 19:26

Why not just say no. They don't appreciate it. Leaving you to wait more than once when child already gone home.

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