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Original poster

Trapped giving lift to school

83 replies

gardenfeature · 13/02/2014 07:06

School is a few miles away and students can pay to go on bus or get driven by parents. Back in Yr7 a parent asked me if I could take her DS. We are more acquaintancies rather than close friends. Fast forward to Yr9 and I am stuck with this kid in my car and am beginning to resent it. My DS cannot stand him and moans continually about. He is a dead weight, never says a word and his presence inhibits our natural family conversations. There have been a few instances of him leaving school early and then me waiting for ages for him to turn up because nobody told us or my DS being off school and my DH collecting this kid but not even being thanked by him or him coming out really late after I asked him to be really early - these instances are rare. His mum is always charming and apologetic whenever these instances occur. Even having to turn around my car in the morning to go in the right direction to pick him up is annoying me. They do give minimal petrol money and are always really really grateful. The dad meanwhile is taking other kids to different schools.

I just cannot face telling the mum we don't want to take him anymore as it sounds dreadful and cruel. I am thinking about putting DS on the bus for a term as an excuse and then reverting to lift taking but without telling.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

gardenfeature · 13/02/2014 07:45

The dad can collect as he is out and about but it costs him money to stop work.

OP posts:

claraschu · 13/02/2014 07:46

I think it might be better to point out that the boys don't really get along and the drive is tense because of that. It is not as though there is no bus, and they will be unable to get to school.

lljkk · 13/02/2014 07:56

How much is the bus & how far is it for you to drive?
Coz I bet the bus is better value than driving all the same.

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treaclesoda · 13/02/2014 08:08

I would point out the times that you've waited for him when he wasn't there and just say that because of this, it's clearly not working out any more.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/02/2014 08:14

I think complete honesty is best here:

"I'm not taking your DS anymore as they don't really get along and it's tense in the morning. I don't want tense in the morning after only one cup of coffee. I'm stopping on blah blah to give you a chance to get a bus pass".

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 13/02/2014 08:18

Treacle, the trouble with that is they may promise to improve etc. If OP wants to stop even if there are no lateness problems then she needs to say so!

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/02/2014 08:18

How bad is it? How long is the journey? Unless they are beating eachother up tbh I'd just tell the mum that they arebt getting along and that you intend to talk to your Ds and if she could do the same. Explain that they don't have to be friends but if they can remain civil to eachother it would be a huge help.

Obviously you don't have to keep doing it if you don't want to but at nine they should be able to sit and be quiet and not talk to eachother for a journey to school.

LIZS · 13/02/2014 08:19

"sorry this arrangement isn't working for us any longer" Surely by Year 9 they could call on others to help or use the bus themselves ?

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/02/2014 08:24

It's not your job to worry about whether the husband loses work time taking his own kids to school. And there is a bus!

Tomorrow, when you pick him up, tell them that after half term you are unable to continue with the arrangement as it isn't working for you, or for him it would seem.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 13/02/2014 08:25

Year 9 not age 9, so 13 or so I think.

treaclesoda · 13/02/2014 08:27

TheDoctrine you're right, I didn't think that through, did I? Good point!

Floggingmolly · 13/02/2014 08:29

They may just be continuing with the arrangement out of habit? No Year 9 needs to be ferried to school; in fact they actively discourage any kids at my dd's school from being driven due to parking restrictions / general traffic conditions. There really is no need.

willowisp · 13/02/2014 08:40

OTOH your DS is going to have to rub along with lots of people throughout lift & I think it's a tiny bit mean, if you're already doing that route, not to give a lift especially as they are paying you...

I'm in many rotas & its a great help, community etc & no bother.

What about saying that you can collect if he's with your son, but if not, you're unable to wait - the convenience needs to be on your terms.

ScentedScandal · 13/02/2014 08:41

God what a bind. I cant see how after TWO years (two years!?) the mum wouldn't be feeling even slightly bad about this esp as you don't know her that well.

It's tempting to be brutally honest and as thick skinned as they have been and just tell the truth, but I can see that'd not be a comfortable conversation to have. This is how people take advantage, by tapping into someone else's good manners and reluctance to say no or to be confrontational..

I think the bus idea is a good 'excuse', but if it's not really how you want your ds to get to school then carry on with taking him as usual in the car, but tell the woman that on random days, in a bid to be encouraging independence, your ds might sometimes be taking the bus and as you can't be sure how this will fit into your week yet or what days it could be, then sorry but the lifts can't continue. Said with un-waving gimlet eye. Do not weaken or be drawn into a new and even more restrictive arrangement. Hopefully you'll be able to shake yourself free.

And DONT FEEL BAD about driving past. You've done more than enough!

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/02/2014 08:41

Surely they'd still be on the bus together anyway?

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato · 13/02/2014 11:20

It seems logical to take ds1 to school if you pass it in any case on the way to ds2's school. But, in Y9, he really ought tone developing his independence and street-sense. This is a good opportunity.

ScentedScandal's idea is good one. Gets the other boy out of your car, gets your ds1 more independence and responsibility, and is not as expensive as using the bus every day.

BTW, why is the arrangement not reciprocal? Why do the other parents not take turns with you?

Original poster

gardenfeature · 13/02/2014 16:24

Thanks for your replies and I'm glad you can see how awkward it is. I have myself trapped. I felt uneasy when I agreed but said that it was just a trial and that I'd rather lift share. Most of the other parents that drive have reciprocal arrangements so it does feel unfair. The dad takes another sibling to a different school in a different direction in the morning. The problem with the school bus is that you have to pay in advance for a whole term so it wouldn't be possible to just catch it on the odd day and it's expensive. The local bus is a fair walk but doable but I'm driving that way anyway on the other school run. I know the mum would be really apologetic and pleading if I told her there were any issues and I don't want to be horrible to her DS and put the blame on him.

I might be able to go with the "they don't get on" scenario. Up until now, we've told DS to "deal with it" but it's beginning to bug me now too. It's inhibiting us debating stuff and chatting about school work and I see the ten mins in the car as valuable discussion time wasted. Going on the bus is the other less brave but more costly option.

OP posts:

craftynclothy · 13/02/2014 16:37

I'd go with the "I'm sorry, this arrangement just isn't working for us anymore. I'll do lifts until X date to give you chance to sort out some other arrangements".

Weegiemum · 13/02/2014 16:50

How far is the bus stop? I've 2 dc in primary school who walk 1/2 mile to the bus, and a dd in high school who easily gets the servive bus (with her pass) every day.

If these boys are in Y9 (which is the same as my dd in S2) I honestly can't see why they can't get the bus? Don't they get free transport to their allocated school? If you are private, I understand nthat's different.

Original poster

gardenfeature · 13/02/2014 17:09

The school bus stop is less than 5 mins. The local bus stop is best part of a mile. It's not private school but not catchment so no free transport. Lots of local kids go there and either lift share or catch one of the two buses.

OP posts:

MichonnesSamuraiSword · 13/02/2014 17:13

I completely understand why you feel awkward about this - this is the sort of thing I would get stuck in and wouldn't know how to get out of.

I wouldn't give any reasons such as the boys don't get on, or anything. At worst it might make the Mum feel bad about her boy's behaviour and upset her.

Or it could lead to her trying to make excuses, promising to get him to change and then you'd be stuck with either becoming even more forceful "I don't care if he changes or not, I still don't want to do this" OR giving in and accepting him, resulting in a potentially cringey situation for you all with him knowing you have criticized him, and him trying hard to be friends with you all...

I think in an ideal world, you should just say "This isnt working out for us any more, we've had a change of circumstances". But, if you're a weakling like me, I'd probably go for a lame excuse such as "We've decided to use the bus" or "I've changed jobs so I'll be going a different way / leaving at different times"

Basically, don't give her any excuse that gives her room to negotiate. You're stopping this, there's no room for discussion. You're very sorry. End of.

At the end of the day, it's not your problem how they get their DS to school. He is not your responsibility, and if his Dad has to leave earlier for work or travel further each day, that's their own business.

sixlive · 13/02/2014 17:21

I'm beginning to realise lift shares don't normally work that well. There is no point doing it if the other side don't reciprocate because after a while you think there are no upsides for you only disadvantages. Just say it's not working out and there is a change of circumstance and you can't do lift shares any more. Can you text. Do not go into a long explanation.

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato · 13/02/2014 17:21

DS wants to cycle but it's just a little too far and the path is very close to a busy road.

Does that mean that he can cycle on a path that is separate to the main road?

Why not give it a try? He is willing, after all. It needn't be every day - random cycling days will get you out of the uncomfortable arrangement.

Scholes34 · 13/02/2014 17:28

MSS is quite right. To be assertive, you should just say no, can't continue and don't give reasons or excuses, as there are always ways around reasons and excuses.

Perhaps, anyway, now might be a time to encourage your DS to cycle, once the weather's a bit better.

I've done favours over the years for friends, sometimes on a regular basis, because I can and I've been quite happy about it. I'd never get myself into an arrangement where I'm totally dependent on another parent for my child to do something as important as getting to school. Let's hope the other mum feels the same and is happy to revert to the bus - which is readily available.

BelleateSebastian · 13/02/2014 17:45

How about saying that you have some 'family stuff' going on and the only time you really get to chat about it to ds is in the car in the morning, you are really sorry but you are going to stop taking her ds after half term.

That would be my get out clause just hope she's not a gossip and tells everyone you are on the verge of divorce

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