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Original poster

Financial gift with condition attached?

57 replies

Doodledumdums · 27/12/2013 23:53

DISCLAIMER: FIRST WORLD ISSUE!

DH and I are saving up to take DS (currently aged 12mo) to Disneyland Florida when he is 4. I know this is young, but we have lots of valid reasons why we have chosen that age, so are very settled on our decision.

Anyway, for Christmas, my Grandmother very kindly gave us £500 towards the trip, but told us that it was on the condition that we can't take him until he is 6 or 7, as 4 is too young and he wont remember it or have a good time. So now I am unsure about what to do?! I don't want to seem really ungrateful and not cash the cheque, but I tried explaining why we want to go when he is 4 and she wasn't having any of it. While it is a very generous contribution, £500 is a drop compared to how much it is likely to cost in total, so DH and I aren't prepared to change our plans to keep her happy.

How would you move forward with this? I feel like we can't not cash the cheque, but if we do then I think that she will be angry when we ignore her wishes and go when he's 4 anyway!

OP posts:
CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 27/12/2013 23:55

i'd give it back

you made your choice for whatever reason, she wants to trump your parenting choices with money

PrincessFlirtyPants · 27/12/2013 23:56

"Thank you so much for your kind donation, however, DH and I are very set on taking DS when he is 4. If you would like to me to return the cheque to you, please let me know"

Smile
lisad123everybodydancenow · 27/12/2013 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/12/2013 23:58

Any specific reason why you want to take him at 4?

tribpot · 28/12/2013 00:01

I think if you've decided on 4, that's up to you. I wouldn't but it's your choice.

However, the fact that this is your choice means you can't in good faith accept your grandmother's cheque. It needs to go back because you do not intend to honour the condition under which it was given. I don't think your grandmother should actually have offered the gift in the way that she did but that's by the by. It's not right to accept the money.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 00:02

I am really curious as to why you want, so badly, to take him at 4.

I understand her condition re the money - she wants him to have a chance of remembering it - so if you are adamant you will take him at 4 so bank the cheque and return the money to her if you take him when he's 4, if you later change your mind and take him when he's older you can use it in good conscience. If anything happens to her before then - do whatever makes you feel OK at the time.

BackforGood · 28/12/2013 00:03

Am inclined to agree that 4 is very young, if this is a 'once in a lifetime' and you are not going every 3 or 4 years, however that is your decision, and I'd just contact her and explain that you 'can't accept the cheque as it comes with conditions you aren't going to meet, so, thanks, for the thought, but as you aren't going to be able to use it does she want you to tear it up or return it to her for any reason ?', and leave it at that.

QuintessentialShadows · 28/12/2013 00:06

Disney world have height restrictions How will you be able to guarantee that your 4 year old is more than 122 cm (approx 48inches) by the time he is four, or 132 cm (52 inches) to be able to go on all the rides he wants, by then?

4 is very young. I would have thought 6-7 is perfect age. Unless you are deliberately going before he can go on all the rides, because the trip is really for YOU not him so much.

Original poster
Doodledumdums · 28/12/2013 00:10

A few reasons really...

It will be our 10th wedding anniversary that year, and we went there for our honeymoon so would like to celebrate there with DS.
Also we would like to try for DC2 when DS is 4, so would like to take him away on a nice trip with just the 3 of us before we have another baby. Also we're not really worried about him remembering it in specific detail, we just want to go and all have a lovely time and for him to enjoy the disney magic while he is little, I went to Disneyland Paris when I was 4 and while I don't vividly remember it, I remember enough to know it was lovely.
We would also aim to do the same when DC2 is four, so by then DS would be 8 or 9, by which time he will definitely remember it well.

I guess I could always ask if I can put the money into DS' savings account instead, hopefully that is a suitable alternative?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 28/12/2013 00:14

At 4, any holiday would be lovely. The world is big, you dont have to spend your lives saving up to going to the same old place again and again.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 00:40

No they don't - but it's also not wrong to do that if it's what they want to do Quint. Odd thing to comment on?!

Well, that all makes lots of sense - what did she say to you when you told her this?

agnesf · 28/12/2013 00:53

A friend of mine recently took her 4 y/o to Disneyland Paris for a special pre Xmas trip which she loved but was then a bit Hmm when same 4 y/o pronounced that local play barn soft & xmas grotto was "better than Disneyland".

Your grandma may have a point Smile

NoComet · 28/12/2013 00:56

She's right and you are right to go now, a baby/toddler would spoil the trip.

You know the answer is to talk to her!

willyoulistentome · 28/12/2013 00:56

Have you explained your reasons to gm?

HarrietSchulenberg · 28/12/2013 00:58

Could you accept the money but save it up for the next trip, when he is 8 or 9 as you say? That way everyone's happy, surely?

Jolleigh · 28/12/2013 02:19

I'd personally politely decline the money and explain that you have your reasons for not wanting to budge on the timing of the trip.

I don't really think what those reasons are is relevant at all. You and your DP are perfectly capable of making a decision about a holiday and shouldn't be second guessed.

nooka · 28/12/2013 02:29

Personally I wouldn't go to Disneyland let alone take a four year old, but that's pretty much bye the bye. Essentially it sounds like you want to go to Disneyland for your tenth anniversary, rather than specifically take your ds when he is four (as opposed to 6 or 7) and that's your choice.

Given that you are planning for something three years off I'd put the money into a savings account and see what happens in the future. Perhaps use it for a different trip either earlier or later? I'd tell your grandmother that you have put it away for ds, and stop talking about the trip for a while.

Then assuming that you still want to go ask her if you can use her contribution then or later - I'm sure that there will be other holidays you can use it on that she will approve of.

NatashaBee · 28/12/2013 02:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosieliveson · 28/12/2013 07:48

It looks like my opinion is different to everyone else. I'd accept money with a gracious thank you and simply say you may go later depending on how your son grows. He may be tall, bright, advanced and articulate for example. Or he may be a little small and still seem young for a big trip.
My opinion is that he is your child so when you go is up to you. A gift no longer belongs to the giver once given so you can add it to your savings and do what you like! ( just remember a nice thank you card fur grandma after the trip Grin

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain · 28/12/2013 07:54

I think tge problem is tgat you've said you are taking ds to Disney when he is four, Instead of we are going for our anniversary. You can't convience people if you aren't actually telling them tge real reason for the trip.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/12/2013 07:58

Put it into a new savings account called 'Disney 2022'.

LucyLasticKnickers · 28/12/2013 08:01

just tell her, hyou want to go for your 10th anniversary. i dont see that she can give gifts with strings attached.
say, you might go again?
you could mention trying for a baby after you have been, or you could tell her.

LIZS · 28/12/2013 08:02

Put it aside for a later holiday .

Original poster
Doodledumdums · 28/12/2013 08:32

She does know all of the reasons why we want to go then, anniversary, baby etc.

I know the timing of the trip is largely down to our anniversary, but we will still be taking DS, and he will be 4 when we go. When I mention the intended trip to anyone, I say it is predominently an anniversary trip. The reason I wrote it the way I did in my OP was because it was the most important aspect relating to what I was asking about.

If I wait until he is 6 or 7 then I will hopefully also have a 1 or 2 year old, which wouldn't be at ideal.

I think saving it for a second trip is probably the best option, I hadn't thought of that! That way everyone should be happy!

OP posts:
Methe · 28/12/2013 08:39

I'm amazed anyone plans their life in this much detail this far in advance Xmas Shock

Anything could happen between now and then.

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