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Original poster

Daughter is looking for sex with older men on the internet.

98 replies

moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 16:20

After going through my daughter's purse and finding train tickets and also going through her phone (she had been lying to me about where she had been, and had not been coming home till the early hours most nights), I found out that she had been messaging and meeting up with dirty, old men (some were even married) from around the country she had met over the internet for sex, through an advert she put up. I did confront her about it as soon as I found out. I shouted at her and told her that I didn't raise a slut and I raised her better than that, that those men were only using her. I was not only angry at her for lying to me on many occasions, but also the obvious lack of respect she had for herself. My daughter didn't respond at all and just looked at me like she couldn't care less. This was just over a week ago.

My daughter is 18, 19 in Dec. Do you think I overreacted?

I just really didn't expect her to turn out to be like that. If your daughter was lying to you about where she was so she could meet men for sex, how would you react?

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/11/2013 20:07

"She started being funny with me."

"She never tells me anything."

I will say it again OP, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

A 13 year old started acting funny, did you try to find out why? Or did you just see the worst in her and assume she was up to no good? You are the parent, stop thinking about what's happening to you and think about her.

But to be straight with you, if you haven't worked that out in 18 years, you probably aren't going to. A lack of self insight is usually permanent.

Original poster

moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 20:09

ghostonthecanvas, there was a picture of her cleavage and she specifically she wanted men over 40 and that she had done it before.

OP posts:

BOF · 18/11/2013 20:09

What does "part of her life" mean? Does he live at home with you both?

Wannabe, I think I can see where this going too...

PavlovtheCat · 18/11/2013 20:10

Have you, at 18, had sex with an older man OP? It can be fucking amazing actually. Better than having sex with an 18 year old man, for example.

So, maybe there is more to it than meets the eye. But, maybe she is not meeting up with 'dirty' old men. She is 18, not 16. And maybe she is, but doesn't see it as so. She may get her kicks from that. It might be a sig of something deeply disturbing. Or. She might enjoy having sex with older, sometimes married men. That's her look-out, her fingers to get burnt, her lessons to be learnt. She might be fucked up, or she might be having an absolute ball, loving sex, loving being in control of it, maybe, the men she meets with make her feel amazing. Maybe she makes them feel amazing. And you won't know, as she won't talk to you.

You have no place knowing about her sex life, just because you don't approve, or because it does not follow what you consider to be a morally appropriate course, that does not make it your business. And it does not make her a slut. She enjoys having sex with older men.

And because she seeks it, that makes her a slut? You would prefer that she waits around for a man to show interest in her?

AnandaTimeIn · 18/11/2013 20:13

I would be extremely worried if I had found out this kind of information about my teenage daughter...

I don't blame you for snooping. You must have had an inclination what is going on and if she is non-communicative I understand that you did it
Certainly if it is happening under your roof.

She is playing an extremely self-destructive dangerous game.

What is her situation? Still at school?

As a SP of a DS who went through some stuff during his teenage years I sympathise. Never had to snoop as the condoms and weed were to be found during cleaning in his like a bomb hit it bedroom....
I always kept the lines of communication open.

Did you, and do you still, have the contraceptive and safe sex talks with her?

She's legally an adult yes, but if still living at home, a child really (unless out at work and paying her board and lodgings).

Yes, I was out of the house at 18 due to restrictive parents but that was a lóng time ago when bedsitters/rooms/shared house/squats and casual work (also abroad) were easy to come by - it's a whole different world now.

nilbyname · 18/11/2013 20:15

op your posts are so short and abrupt, is this how you are IRL with your DD? Sounds like you have pretty much washed your hands of her from 13/14, the blame is firmly on her from what you have written…"she started getting funny…"

I am in no doubt teenagers are challenging, but you sound so cold.

Nothing more to add, but perhaps taking a look at yourself, and your manner and see how that could be affecting things?

I would be monumentally frightened and scared if this was my DD. I wonder if you can get her in touch with a youth worker that might have knowledge about prostitution? The risks she is taking.

Original poster

moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 20:20

Wannabedomesticgoddess, I put her behaviour it down to teenage hormones. Is that wrong?

OP posts:

Original poster

moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 20:22

Yes he does. BOF

OP posts:

Original poster

moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 20:28

Time to take a long look in the mirror.

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/11/2013 20:28

Its easy to blame hormones. Or your daughter.

Not so easy to take a look at how you have affected the situation.

McFox · 18/11/2013 20:29

Nil, why a youth worker with knowledge of prostitution? Unless I've missed something she is simply using the Internet to arrange casual sexual encounters, not prostitute herself.

I've had done fantastic casual sex this way. With older guys and my own age. Its been much more enjoyable and less humiliating than sone of the regular one night stands I had. I understand that the OP would be worried of course, but going off on one isn't going to stop her.

PacificDogwood · 18/11/2013 20:29

"Teenage" hormones are no different from anybody else's hormones, they are just new to the teenager and that alongside more significant brain restructuring than what happens in infancy makes for poor impulse control and risk seeking behaviour. Alongside trying to find a place for themselves in the world and seeking to separate from their parents, teenagers at times don't make the most reasoned choices.

Which is why they need supportive adults in their lives, people who keep listening to them, who will encourage them to talk to them, who will discuss their options with them and yes, who will try to keep them safe until they are a bit more sensible.

My alarm bells would be ringing big time if I found my 18 year old daughter actively seeking sex with multiple much older men on-line.
Yes, yes, maybe sex with an experienced man is so much better than with an fumbling peer, but seriously??
I'd be worries she may have had some bad sexual experience leading up to this.
What did she lie about that led to your search?

nilbyname · 18/11/2013 20:31

mcfox because my gut feeling is telling me this is some kind of escort/prostitution, but I may well be very wrong.

PavlovtheCat · 18/11/2013 20:39

nil how can you have gut feeling on the internet, with an OP who is barely answering questions?

It might be something sinister, something to be ver worried about. It might be that she is using modern technology to avoid the pissed up embarrasments of one-night stands. She is lying to her mum, staying out late. She is 18.

And do we know she is meeting scores of 'dirty' old men? The OP has not given figures. She might mean 3-4 in a few months. No more than many 18 year olds having casual sex.

It's just presumption. But what we do know is that her mother went through her belongings, her phone and called her a slut. It could be that she did this out of care and concern, or that she is nosey and a bit controlling...

But, there is no gut feeling. It's the www!

nilbyname · 18/11/2013 20:45

pavlov How I have arrived at my conclusion based on such little information may seem completely ridiculous, but there you are, it takes all sorts.
I can post what I like, say what I like within the guidelines, and yep, I still think the 18 year old is engaging in very risky behaviour. Just a feeling, a cyber intuition, I'm not bothered if that makes me look like a conclusion jumping tit.
If it were my daughter I would definitely be going down the road of engaging with some counselling, youth working type thing.

Original poster

moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 20:47

She lied about where she was. She told me she was going somewhere, but I found train tickets for somewhere else that proved otherwise, and she would have came home much earlier if she actually went to where she said.

OP posts:

Geckos48 · 18/11/2013 20:48

OP it would be great if you would spend some time with the next post just talking things through in more detail. maybe talk about the relationship you have with your daughter and what led you to go through her things?

Because the drip-feeding is just irritating and its easier for you to just come out with it than us have to probe information from you.

ghostonthecanvas · 18/11/2013 20:53

Op please try to talk with your daughter. Starting with an apology for calling her a slut. Tell her you are confused and worried for her. Because you love her. I hope you can get her to talk to you. If you can't , find someone who can chat to her. Also find someone you can talk to. It may not be about you Op but your feelings are real and if my daughter was meeting strangers for sex I would be terrified for her. I would wonder why , I would go over and over in my head is she ok. She is only 18.

PacificDogwood · 18/11/2013 20:53

Teenagers try (and must try) to separate from their parents.
So they lie.

They tend to lie more if they feel they have little personal space and feel judged a lot.
Just sayin'.

McFox · 18/11/2013 20:59

Nil, I don't get this gut felling thing at all. The OP has given away practically nothing! Conjecture like that isn't going to help anyone.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/11/2013 21:03

Ok BOF I take your point and I do not have teenage daughters. However there are a lot of people on this thread saying it is disgusting behaviour etc. When I was 18 I knew exactly what I was doing. It was not disgusting. It was fun. But maybe I was more self aware and mature and able to look after myself than some other teenagers.

NeoFaust · 18/11/2013 21:13

Has she ever had had a boyfriend or not? What has been your attitude to her dating? Have you ever asked about her sexual preferences? What did you tell her about sex?

It sounds said you have had no substantive dialogue with your daughter for a long long time.

Having not met your daughter - or yourself - I am in no position to judge her motives or your relationship. It could be that you simply have conflicting attitudes to sex.

But based on the limited information available, it sounds like a desperate attempt to engage with you. My guess would be that she wanted you to express care and concern for her and instead she got anger and cruelty.

MadBusLady · 18/11/2013 21:16

Actually you're the only person to use the word "disgusting", Hearts, and this is not a trivial point. People have said crazy, dangerous, risky, self-destructive, and it could easily be all those things. Please do not read value judgements where there are none.

TBH my feeling that the daughter is engaging in self-destructive behaviour is almost entirely inferred from the OP's own attitudes as exhibited in her posts. I should think if I'd been subjected to 18 years of this kind of emotional discordancy I'd be engaging in risky self-destructive behaviour too.

OP, do you care about your daughter? Because it's really, really hard to tell.

BacardiBat · 18/11/2013 21:22

Well if they had a good relationship til she was 13/14 and then it went sour, and she "got funny" with you about the same time, that would be screaming all sorts of things at me, tbh.

ICameOnTheJitney · 18/11/2013 21:27

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