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Original poster

Daughter is looking for sex with older men on the internet.

98 replies

moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 16:20

After going through my daughter's purse and finding train tickets and also going through her phone (she had been lying to me about where she had been, and had not been coming home till the early hours most nights), I found out that she had been messaging and meeting up with dirty, old men (some were even married) from around the country she had met over the internet for sex, through an advert she put up. I did confront her about it as soon as I found out. I shouted at her and told her that I didn't raise a slut and I raised her better than that, that those men were only using her. I was not only angry at her for lying to me on many occasions, but also the obvious lack of respect she had for herself. My daughter didn't respond at all and just looked at me like she couldn't care less. This was just over a week ago.

My daughter is 18, 19 in Dec. Do you think I overreacted?

I just really didn't expect her to turn out to be like that. If your daughter was lying to you about where she was so she could meet men for sex, how would you react?

OP posts:
Original poster
moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 19:19

BOF, I haven't replied to any of the responses yet because I went away to do something else. I don't see the point in trolling.

OP posts:
ReluctantBeing · 18/11/2013 19:21

I'm with BOF here.

It's a strange one for a first post.

gamerchick · 18/11/2013 19:24

So why we're you going through her stuff?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/11/2013 19:30

I went through a really really slutty phase in university aged 18-22 and then another time as an adult. If the internet had been available it would have made my life a lot easier! My body, my choice. You need to butt out OP.

qazxc · 18/11/2013 19:30

I understand that this isn't behavior you approve of, that you are worried about the risk that your DD is putting herself in. But she is an adult and who she sleeps with/ where she goes is her decision.

McFox · 18/11/2013 19:30

My mum did this kind of thing, and I left home at 17. That was worse than the people I was shagging, it did way more damage. You've really overstepped the mark in my opinion - she's a grown up and calling her a slut is beyond acceptable.

You need to apologise and try to have an adult conversation with her.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 18/11/2013 19:32

Do you wonder why she doesn't tell you anything?

MadBusLady · 18/11/2013 19:33

So why the irrelevancies about boyfriends, OP?

Nobody has asked "has she ever had a proper boyfriend?"

If you're for real, you're answering questions in your own head to god knows what purpose, rather than the far more pertinent questions people are asking here.

meditrina · 18/11/2013 19:34

Is any money changing hands in these encounters?

At 18, you can't stop her. But your children don't stop being your children just because of the number of candles on their last birthday cake, and I would be devastated and deeply concerned. And yes, my first reaction might include an angry outburst.

I take it she still lives at home. Is it perhaps time she exercised the adulthood she uses in her social life to establish herself under her own roof instead?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/11/2013 19:35

FFS acting in a self destructive manner? A young woman who enjoys sex taking steps to have some with mutual consenting adults? Talk about slut shaming.

Golddigger · 18/11/2013 19:35

op, if you think anyone is accusing you of trolling, report it.

Original poster
moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 19:39

Bacardibat, no. This is the first time I've ever posted.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 18/11/2013 19:40

You've answered a question! Grin

Catmint · 18/11/2013 19:40

You have posted in ' what would you do'. So here goes, this is what I hope I would do:

I would open lines of communication with my daughter. I would try my best to understand that this is about her, not about me. I would listen. I would promise to respect her choices whilst explaining that I found them upsetting and worrying. I would urge her to refer to a third party she could trust to talk to if she could not talk to me. I would inwardly battle not to emotionally blackmail her.

BefuddledNoMore · 18/11/2013 19:40

Maybe try and find out why she is doing it. Glaringly obvious from here.

BOF · 18/11/2013 19:41

I haven't accused the OP of trolling. But if she wants some resolution to the problem, she would be better off engaging with the issues raised by posters, as she risks her thread being interpreted as not genuine.

BOF · 18/11/2013 19:45

Hearts- I don't think posters replying from the perspective of seeing it as worrying behaviour are "slut-shaming"; I think that most people with older teenagers realise that 18 is very young and this doesn't seem typical.

We aren't talking about an experienced woman of the world here playing the field- this is more like a situation of sexual exploitation rather than two equal consenting adults, don't you think?

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 18/11/2013 19:47

Yes you over reacted and calling her a slut will not help

BefuddledNoMore · 18/11/2013 19:49

To be more constructive: what love is she getting at home from significant males?

Original poster
moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 19:50

To answer the question, why I went through my daughter's things, it was mainly out of curiosity to see where she was going that she felt that she had to lie about it. And yes, I did realise that I shouldn't have called her a slut, even though I don't agree with what she was doing.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 18/11/2013 19:50

At 18 years old, no one is emotionally ready for multiple sexual encounters with strangers they have seeked out online.

If she wanted to sleep around she could go out to a bar and go home with a guy every night. My guess is, she sees using the internet as a bit seedy and more risky. This kind of risk taking behaviour is self destructing.

dozeydoris · 18/11/2013 19:57

Jeesh, so the worst thing about the OP is that the daughter was called a slut,

So contacting and meeting random men you've met online via an advert you put out, presumably advertising sex, is a good idea. FFS it's crazy, dangerous. God knows who she might end up with.

Naoko · 18/11/2013 19:58

You need to be worried about her, not angry at her. Don't call her a slut - what does that achieve? It will make her feel judged (she is an adult, she can sleep with as few or as many people as she wants to if she chooses), misunderstood, angry, resentful. If she needs help or understanding, which it sounds like she may well do, this is exactly what you don't want.

You need to calm down, apologise, mend what bridges you can, and find out what is going on in her life in a kind and gentle way. Does she need help, either practical or someone to talk to? She's an adult, but she's also your daughter and she's living in your home so of course you want to have a handle on that. But tread lightly - she will need to let you in before you can do anything, and if and when she does, please be gentle.

Try to separate 'my daughter is having sex' from 'my daughter is having potentially unhealthy encounters or 'relationships' that happen to involve sex'. The first, as she is an adult, is none of your business, even if she's having more partners than you think suitable or you might not like them. The latter is something to be concerned about, and is something you might be able to guide her with - but she has to let you.

Original poster
moodycow34 · 18/11/2013 19:58

Her dad has always been a part of her life and they always had a great relationship with him, till was about 13/14 going through puberty, and when she started getting funny with me then too.

OP posts:
Geckos48 · 18/11/2013 20:01

I think that the best thing to do would be to apologise to her and calmly open up the topic for conversation.

Tell her that you want to be able to give her advice and be a sounding board about such issues.

Remember it is not about you, it is about her and her promiscuity and her sexuality now, she is 18 and legally responsible for herself. You can't make it about you because that will totally the wrong thing to do.