what would you do if faced with this situation?

[whitestrawberries]

A person never takes part in any social events, they avoid people where possible and tend to keep themselves to themselves and make excuses that seem plausible but aren't consistent when a social event is happening; they say they don't have a baby sitter but their parents look after their DCs when they have to work, they say they have no money but they own a horse.
They need to lose weight but don't make any effort to do so, they don't bother with nice clothes and often wear the same things every day (which they have obviously washed and ironed in between), they don't wear any make up and they don't get their hair cut, and they don't seem happy. They tend to walk round looking at the floor not looking up and are quick to apologise if they think they are in the way. If they are criticised in any way then they tend to cry, they don't seem able to cope with it.

I would like to think I could show some empathy and try and help. But I would need to know they needed help IYKWIM.

I can't see people sat on their own though.

If you start to work on your own self esteem, you will find it eventually matters less what other people think (or what you think that they think)

And don't worry that you have to change the fundamental core of yourself. You will still be you, but hopefully a happier, more resilient, more confident you.

It's ok to use mumsnet for this. There is so much support here - the exercise section got me successfully completing the C25K programme. 3 months ago I didn't think I could run 30 seconds - now I do 30 minutes. That's just one example. The big/slim weight loss section is equally useful and supportive. Coming on here is a sign of resourcefulness.

I also use facebook and have over the years (rather weirdly) added a whole bunch of people i didn't know as "friends". They are fitness professionals, largely American, but not all. Over the last 3 years some have become proper facebook friends i.e. we interact. Also I see their postings which are often about healthy living, exercise, motivational quotes etc. It's nice to drop in there and browse my timeline and see who has put nice things on that day, it gives me a boost but demands nothing from me. Really they don't know me from Adam but in a strange fb way we keep in touch, wish happy birthday etc. There are nice people out there.

Thanks. I use FB but I think I'd shy at using it the way you do, even though it's helpful. I think I'd have to set up a new account with a different name but I don't know if they allow that?
Well done on your work with your running :)

How long have you felt like this white?

Is it your weight that makes you want to withdraw whitestrawberries? I only ask because that is certainly something I would identify with. Until recently I have felt a lot of shame because of my obese appearance, I felt I was being judged by others as badly as I judged myself. I wished I was invisible and found it an effort to mix with others.

What I failed to appreciate is that generally people (I know) are very accepting of me, irrespective of what my weight is, there is actually little if any judgement. Just my perception based on how I feel about me.

Is it like that for you? It can be a huge risk to put your head above the parapet and change your appearance be it new clothes, hair, makeup, in fact anything that singles you out to be noticed. You might invite criticism, negative comments, or just being the centre of attention which is uncomfortable.

Horses don't judge.

Sparkling, for as long as I can remember.
Tabby I judge others as well, I saw an obese woman today and was shocked by her appearance. I know I am wrong to judge but I put all the negative feelings I have about myself and my weight onto other obese people unless they are very stylish. I've always hated to be the centre of attention, at school I would hide away at playtime and sit somewhere out of sight with my nose in a book.
Tonight I am supposed to be going to a meeting about helping at a children's club that my DCs go to, I am dreading going to it and have been all day. One of the other parents who goes is incredibly slim and good looking and all the heads turn when she goes in, then there is me in my second hand clothes, unkempt hair (I have grown it long rather than spend the money getting it cut) and yet again I will be the fattest person there. I feel sick at the thought of it.

I am sure that your presence at the meeting about providing help at the children's club will be appreciated, strawb, but I know that all you'll be thinking about is what you perceive the other parents will be thinking about you.

What ideas do you have about how to begin a change? Visiting the hairdressers for a consultation could be a start. It is amazing how a really good cut can totally transform your mood. The consultation will just be an opportunity for the hairdresser to discuss any thoughts and ideas you might have, you don't have to commit to a haircut until you feel ready.

Then if you are still feeling brave, get your eyebrows done too. After that, is bit of mascara and lippy (ask for advice as Boots which colour to choose).

Other posters have mentioned new clothes, and I can see that this is all adding up financially, so charity shops may be the answer in the short term. Supporting a good charity and getting a new wardrobe for a fraction of the cost of new clothes.

Those voices in your head that tell you over and over you are not worth it.... tell them to f* off. No, really, answer them back you are good enough, you are worth it, so bog off!

That is something I have been working on for myself and I am starting to believe it now :).

So, what will you do first....

Thanks...I went to the meeting, but before hand I browsed in the supermarket and bought myself some hair dye and nice shampoo/conditioner.

Another thing to remember is it's not just you ; we all feel the odd one out at different times and places. It's just that I try and fight those feelings by actually talking to other people (sometimes they're not worth talking to but often they are ).

One of my mantras is "Consciously try NOT to give anyone the power to upset you" At least not for a really long time .

I don't normally do amateur diagnosing but in this case I'll make an exception as you could have written all this about me. Have you ever considered that you may have AS?

Hi

How has this week been?

I've only just seen your thread.

Honestly, I just want to hug you. I hate that there is someone out there struggling so much (well, reading this thread, several someones!).

I have just lost 3 stone low carbing (since the end of January) and I feel a lot less self conscious - even though I have a LONG way to go. The girls on the Bootcamp threads are lovely, if you feel like joining in?! Don't get me wrong, I'm still fat, but I'm no longer FAT and it makes a huge (excuse the pun) difference.

I have a GU postcode and I'm certainly up for making new friends if any of you want to meet up. I'm no looker, I'm certainly fat and pretty much always err on the side of scruffy & in need of a good hair cut!