what would you do if faced with this situation?

[whitestrawberries]

A person never takes part in any social events, they avoid people where possible and tend to keep themselves to themselves and make excuses that seem plausible but aren't consistent when a social event is happening; they say they don't have a baby sitter but their parents look after their DCs when they have to work, they say they have no money but they own a horse.
They need to lose weight but don't make any effort to do so, they don't bother with nice clothes and often wear the same things every day (which they have obviously washed and ironed in between), they don't wear any make up and they don't get their hair cut, and they don't seem happy. They tend to walk round looking at the floor not looking up and are quick to apologise if they think they are in the way. If they are criticised in any way then they tend to cry, they don't seem able to cope with it.

I'm doing something to improve my health/weight starting today too.

It's Monday, a good day to start

"maybe I am hiding from expectation that I won't be liked. That said, it seems rather daft to say that when I know that I won't be liked."

You dont know that you wont be liked. You think you wont be liked. Big difference.

It sounds like you may have some self esteem issues and think negatively of yourself. Something to remember is that the things you think about yourself are not facts, they are opinions, biased opinions that can be changed.

IIWM I'd go on the Paul Mckenna thread (i lost 3 stone on it and some have lost a lot more; it changes your whole attitude to yourself and food) it's fab see you on there (we're very nice and supportive ).

Honest !!!

My mother thinks I should change, and I expect my children do as well as they don't much like me the way I am. One has no respect for me at all and the other seems to hate spending time with me.
Thornrose, I hope it goes well, perhaps we can motivate each other.
I try to do the right thing and try to always have a smile for people and a kind word but it doesn't ever seem to be reciprocated.

A link you might find interesting

Apart from a few things my blood ran cold as I thought it might be my sister posting about me!

thornrose I don't have a sister so don't worry!
Thanks for the link wanna, I will have a look at that
ppeat I will look at that thread, thanks.

Though change has to come from you doesn't it.

have you considered talking to your gp. Many people are quiet or introverted, but are generally happy with life or with themselves.
This sounds different. It sounds a bit like social anxiety though I'm not trying to diagnose over internet, your gp would be the best person to advise. if you could obtain cbt. cognitive behavioural therapy, it could really help. Also focussing on goal- setting, on what you want to change eg weight, and what small steps you can take each week to reach those steps.

Yes...and therein lies the problem, there is much I need to change about myself and it seems overwhelming. When you have been inadequate for so long where do start making small steps to become adequate?

That was my next question ,are you overweight ?

I think if you looked after your health and diet you would feel better about yourself .

And also I thought it was my friend talking about me ! Except I don't own a horse ...

Yes as amiga says start with baby steps; maybe get some lovely fresh seasonal food and eat exactly what you fancy (a la Paul Mckenna ) it's a brilliant thread thanks for giving it a go!! there you are you've started already .

finding support is one step. Here, or from your gp. or is there anyone else in RL you can also confide in?

Start with a diary or notebook. List 2 things you want to change. Break these down into smaller goals. Then even smaller than that, things you can do today or this week.

I'd also recommend the book Mind over Mood. A good workbook to use as a stand alone guide, or alongside cbt. I was given it by an nhs psychologist. I'm sure its on Amazon now.

I think you need to single one thing out and make a change to that if you can. it's too overwhelming otherwise.

Looking at your list I think making a start on trying to lose weight would be a good one.

Have a look at My Fitness Pal. It's not as scary as it sounds....

Thanks ppeat.
The horse is borrowed, we pay the bills though.
amiga, I was wondering about talking to my GP. We have an excellent GP at our practice so I was planning to phone tomorrow and try and get an appointment with her. I saw her over a year ago and she told me all sorts about how I am a 'raging success' which I didn't believe and gave me anti-depressants but they made me feel suicidal. She gave me some different ones but I didn't take them, I thought I could cope without them.
I think my weight is the most obvious problem, there are others but I think if I solved the problem of my weight then I'd be able to deal with the others. Or at least be thin and useless rather than fat and useless! [wry grin]

Do you actually need to change though? I used to cripple myself with worry and sadness pver how Xs life was amazing and Y had the best job and Z always had trips away woth friends.

While it might sound totally totally daft, I read the following in a Harry POtter book, "It does.not do to dwell.on dreams.and forget to live".

It struck.me like a gong. I put all my thoughts of other totally out of my head. I stopped focusing on pipe deams, or essentially made up opinions about others and focussed solely on me and my existance.

It has sent me a little the other way now. and I feel quote strongly bout my time.and my family. I give a lot less shit now about others ; what they do/think/feel, especially about me. I have a core grojp.of four friends who.mean the world.to.me.and everyone else bar family is just peripheral in my life.now.

I just looked, its by Aaron T Beck and is £15 . cheaper if you go second hand. Sorry I can't link via phone

Mortified, yes I think I do need to change. I can't go through life like this, I'm not wanting what other people have but I don't want to be the loner and overweight slob that I am. I'll never be the life and soul of the party but i'd like to have people to be an equal to and not to be the 'odd one out' who doesn't fit.

amiga, thanks, I'll get hold of that book.
Here, or my GP, is the only place I can get support. I'm pretty much isolated from people locally and it would be completely inappropriate to share any of this with a work colleague so I wouldn't even consider that.

Mortified, how do you actually do that though? I mean, put all those thoughts away?

how about. non prescribed anti depressants. such as St John's Wort? though I'm not sure its depression, not the same thing as anxiety.

Also exercise. Do you ride daily? do you have time for additional exercise / walking?

I'd still visit the gp, consider a psychology referral (mine was eating disorder) Things improved within 10 visits - i still kept going but a good psychologist can gently challenge the ideas that are possibly restricting how you feel or live your life.

No, I don't ride, my DCs both ride but I don't. Most of my exercise is following them round the stables. I've ordered the book from Amazon, that was a win win because the Salvation Army were selling a 'like new' second hand copy so that's good. I don't think I'd have considered it worth spending the money on me if it didn't benefit a charity.
I'll have a look at St John's Wort next time I am shopping, depending whether I can see the GP tomorrow or not. I like the idea of a notebook, I can write in there simple stuff I can do daily and tick off that I have achieved it, thanks for that suggestion.
I feel quite daft having to rely on Mumsnet for this stuff, especially as one of you 'knows' me on Mumsnet before I name changed to share this personal stuff. I am relieved that you don't know my normal Mumsnet name (and if you think you do please don't tell me!) as I need to be private for this, it's not like me to be this open when I am naturally a very private person.

Do you have friends that you see? parents of the DCs friends? Do they have any idea about any of this?

No, I don't see anybody. Well, I mean I obviously do see people but they have no idea. If I am at a social event to do with one of their clubs then I am usually the sitting on my own - if we are there first and others arrive later they never come and sit with us. At a recent event somebody who I know came in and I said hello to her, she replied and then went and sat elsewhere. That is what usually happens.
No, they haven't got a clue about any of it. If it were appropriate to share they would probably think I am totally weird, I mean honestly what would you think if somebody you were acquainted with was as described in my OP?