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Original poster

Best friends wedding or my own

29 replies

Mumof2beautys · 16/07/2013 10:55

Hi all .. I need some advice please... Ill start from the beginning..Both me and my best friend got engaged recently.. She has decided to get married abroad which in turn will cost me and my family the best part of £1500 to go.. Meanwhile I am planning a family full wedding here in Britain.. (I have a rather large family) .. Now my wedding will cost me hopefully £3000 if I get a late deal but I will not be able to save the money for both.. Do I either go to my best friends wedding and postpone my own and hope to get a similar deal in a year or so.. Or do I regretfully miss her wedding... I'm completely stuck as to what to do.. If it wasn't my best friend I would consider going but she's like a sister.. I'm slightly annoyed that she would expect me to spend that much money on her wedding... But she has so HELP please......

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 16/07/2013 10:58

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OldBagWantsNewBag · 16/07/2013 11:00

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Mogz · 16/07/2013 20:23

Could you extend your stay wherever you're going for her wedding to make a nice holiday and then be able to save for the next year to do your wedding how you want?
If you cannot save and are not sure of getting a decent deal again then it may be best to decline so that you can have the day that you want.
Sorry, that's not much help either way! I'd be scribbling out a pros and cons list and then still pulling my hair out!

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Weddings
AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle · 16/07/2013 20:45

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Alanna1 · 31/07/2013 20:51

Talk to your friend. Tell her you can't afford it. You may well find she's doing a registry office bit here.

kinkyfuckery · 31/07/2013 20:54

I'd go to her wedding a plan and save for yours a little later. I take it you want her to be at your wedding? Getting married at similar times could mean she can't afford to make yours?

deleted203 · 31/07/2013 20:56

There is no way I'd prioritise a friend's wedding over my own, I'm afraid. And I think anyone who expects/hopes you will spend £1500 going to their wedding needs to accept that would be impossible for many people.

You both got engaged recently - but you should put your plans on hold for another year so that you can spend the money on making her wedding day instead? No way, I'm afraid.

Will your fiancée not be pissed off, BTW, if you suggest this to him?

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 31/07/2013 21:00

I totally agree with sowornout.

I think getting married abroad is fine, but it is expecting A LOT from families or people who are not rolling in it. For many families, 1500 is the annual holiday fund and it's very selfish to expect to attend your overseas wedding when it costs so much.

If a wedding was going to cost me 1500, I would only attend if it was a sibling.

tittytittyhanghang · 31/07/2013 21:10

Your own wedding, without a doubt. No true friend would expect you to priortise their wedding over your own.

If the roles were reversed, do you think your friend would postpone her own wedding?

I also think that if you get married abroad then it goes without saying that not everyone is going to be able to go.

Original poster
Mumof2beautys · 05/08/2013 19:35

Thanks for all your advice guys but in still non the wiser... All ive said up to now is that we would have to see if we could save up n let her know closer to the time.. But today she said she needs to know now for bridesmaid dresses etc so she's takin it that im not goin... Ahhhh in startin to think this mute be puttin a wedge between us...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/08/2013 19:39

I would go on your own, will there be a group of people you know? Convert it into your hen do - LOL!!!

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 05/08/2013 21:35

Actually I think she is being selfish. She is clearly expecting you to fork out 1500 when she knows you are planning a wedding yourself. I would never expect that from a friend.

In fact planning a wedding abroad is fine as long as you know you are excluding a lot of people who can't afford it. Personally I prefer my friends, both rich and poor, at my wedding so we made it easy and cheap for everyone by getting married in the UK near cheap accommodation.

There's no way I would expect a bride to be to fork out half her wedding budget to attend my own bash. SELFISH.

ThisIsMummyPig · 05/08/2013 21:40

Your wedding has to come first. Otherwise you are really putting your friend above your partner.

deleted203 · 05/08/2013 23:32

If she's a really good friend she shouldn't be making you feel that this will drive a wedge between you!

Very passive aggressive to say, 'I take it you're not going' and make you feel bad. I would simply say calmly to her, 'look - you know I'm getting married this year, too - and I can't honestly see how I can pay for my own wedding and fork out another £1500 so that I can be at yours as well.'

Personally I think it's a massive cheek to invite someone to be your bridesmaid and then expect them to pay for the privilege. To me, if you're getting married somewhere abroad then you should be standing the cost of flying your bridesmaids and best man over there. Expecting them to pay out hundreds or thousands of pounds because you fancy a trip to the Bahamas (or wherever) is a nerve. If she can't afford to do this then she needs to gracefully accept that HER big day might not be a priority to other people and they might not choose to spend their hard earned cash in that way.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 06/08/2013 09:34

Exactly sowornout and ThisIsMummyPig.

If you invite someone to be a bridesmaid, it should be at no cost to them. It should not be used as a form of emotional blackmail to get your friend to come to your expensive wedding.

countrymummy13 · 07/08/2013 11:13

Any sane and reasonable person booking a foreign wedding would some people wouldn't be able to attend for various reasons.

So, either,

  1. She's actually not that bothered about who comes to her wedding, her own fun is far more important than who she shares the day with

  2. She has no idea that her booking a foreign wedding may make things impractical and expensive for some of her guests. In which case she is a selfish, self centred, deluded little madam

Either way I certainly wouldn't dream of putting off my own wedding in order to afford hers. Not least because a nice person would have said "look, a foreign wedding is what we've always wanted. I know this means it will expensive for you but I really hope you can make or, and I'll help all I can."

ZombiesAteMyBigToe · 07/08/2013 11:20

Don't put your own wedding on hold for hers, that's ridiculous and if she doesn't understand then she isn't as good a friend as you think she is.

£1500 to attend a wedding is frankly bizarre and I would turn down any invite that made me spend that much, that would mean eating into our savings hugely and not having any sort of holiday that year.

baggyb · 07/08/2013 11:30

I agree that if you are a bridesmaid, she should be paying your transport and accommodation costs.

I wouldn't pay £1500 to go to anyone's wedding. Plus, realistically, it'll be much more than that (wedding gift, outfit for partner/kids, spending money when you're there etc etc etc). Even if you didn't have your own wedding to think of I'd say it was unreasonable to ask anyone to do this.

NatashaBee · 07/08/2013 12:02

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KathyinSC · 23/10/2013 00:03

I would send her the most wonderful gift and not go. If she is really a best friend, she will understand.

Start thinking about your wedding and see where it takes you but as others have posted, I would not go.

AlexaChelsea · 23/10/2013 00:08

I'd go on my own, without the family.

Original poster
Mumof2beautys · 23/01/2014 10:39

We'll thanks for all the replys guys.. Well I've decides not to go.. I can't justify asking my fiancé to pay for a holiday he doesn't want , to somewhere we wouldn't pick with two young children in very hot weather.. It's not fair on anyone. And to top it off with the lovely weather were having at the minute our bay window has sprung a leak and need replacing ... Fab.. Another grand gone.. She took the news quite well but she's defiantly upset.. Won't let me organise hen doo or anything :-( just hope she comes round.

OP posts:
Kemmo · 24/01/2014 18:53

I think you have just learned something important about your friend tbh :(

Quinteszilla · 24/01/2014 18:57

What Kemmo said.

FernieB · 26/01/2014 08:57

Agree with everyone else. Attending a wedding in the UK is expensive enough nowadays - travel, hotel, gift - anyone who chooses to have it abroad should be prepared for no-one to come.

Very selfish of her to be miffed with you.