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Original poster

Do I go to brother's wedding?

255 replies

RainQueen · 15/10/2012 08:23

My brother is getting married next year but has decided not to have any children at the wedding. My children are the only children in the family. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6.

I was fine with their decision but said that as my DH and I have no childcare and the wedding is 5 hours from our home I wouldn't be going but we could have a celebration seperately after the event.

This all seemed to be agreed until I got an e-mail from my Mum begging me to go and alying it on thick about it being my brother's one wedding etc etc. I thought this was just my Mum getting emotional so I rang my brother to get his opinion.

I was shocked that he said he expected me to attend and would not forgive me if I didn't. It is possible for me to go on my own (DH would have to saty with the DCs) but it would mean my DH rearranging a busy work scedule and me staying away for 2 nights, including my DS's 7th birthday. Financially, it would be a stretch but as my brother pointed out I have been given a year's notice!

I have never stayed away before and don't really want to go on my own. However, I don't want to fall out over this. When DH and I got married it was a registry office with two witnesses so I have never understood the fuss over weddings!

Anyway, WWYD? I have a feeling I will have to go to keep the peace but I am upset that I will have to leave my DCs and go on my own.

OP posts:
picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 14:09

Don't childminders have to be specially registered for overnight care. I wouldn't know where to start looking for one offering that kind of service. It's hard enough to find a normal childminder let alone one working those kind of unsociable hours.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 14:17

Exactly pictures, the groom hasn't got a clue. It's not like you can just get babysitters and child minders out of the phone book when you want to have a weekend away.

EldritchCleavage · 15/10/2012 14:18

Why overnight care though? OP goes alone, DH stays behind to work but is back home in the evening to take over from whoever is brought in to do childcare.

Bit hypocritical of me to suggest it I suppose, since my answer to BRO would probably be along the lines of 'I see you your demand and raise you an ultimatum: I'm not coming unless the kids can come with me.'

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 14:21

I don't think its simple for him to 'juggle work' - he's self-employed and this is a big event for him.

picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 14:21

I assumed the ops dp was working away as these events can be anywhere.

Dovuoublniw any childminders who work Sunday's. I found the odd Saturday one but none on Sunday's.

picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 14:23

Yes you spend the entire year planning for the big events. The loss of income for not going could be huge. I don't know whether the ops do is an exhibitor or involved in the set up/breakdown but you can't just opt out unless you want to have wasted your whole year and a lot if money.

campion · 15/10/2012 14:23

Presumably if you're all invited you'd all be going for a 5 hr journey and 2 night stay and your DH would take the time off work to go. So why not arrange to all go (as someone said) and you go to the wedding while they have a nice day out with Dad.
When your DB hears of this he may think it'd be silly not to have you all there.

Believe me, an invited close family member not at a wedding can cause more damage than you think.

picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 14:25

The op has already said her dp would not go. It would be like father Xmas deciding to take the day off on Xmas eve!!!

pumpkinsweetie · 15/10/2012 14:38

campion has the best idea, best of both worlds then Smile

calypso2008 · 15/10/2012 14:43

If my sister got married and didn't invite my DD I would be furious.
I simply would not go.
But, my sister would never, ever do this!

You have FOUR children, I can't imagine the logistics of this. Ridiculous and so unfair to you. As people have said, if you weren't direct, close family you would have to decline, but you don't want to and why should you, but you are stuck between a rock and hard place. PLUS it is a 7th birthday to boot. PLUS the busiest weekend of the year for your DH.
Nigh on impossible stuation for you and your DH and children.

I am already fed up enough about my (once) best friend inviting me to her wedding and not inviting my husband. Children not allowed, maybe she presumed my husband was doing childcare (she would be correct, I am having to fly over and stay 4 nights for this wedding) but I wish she had at least put him on the invite.

Especially as I went out of my way for accomodation, expenses and present and role for her, attending mine and DH's wedding 10 years ago.

I thought weddings were all about family and friendship. I love the grandpa's quote upthread - it is so wonderful.

Weddings these days are a bit of a joke and cost everyone a small fortune.

PoohBearsHole · 15/10/2012 14:50

Can I just ask, has dh specifically said your children can't come?

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 15:04

The OP has said her DH probably wouldn't have gone even if invited because its his busiest event of the year so I think it would be very unreasonable for him to go up when he's not even invited.

Original poster
RainQueen · 15/10/2012 15:39

Hi all. I'm back!

To answer questions. It is not an option for DH not to work. As pictures has said, if he doesn't do this event he will loose not just this year's money but other year's as he would potentially loose the client. These events are months in the organising. It is just really unfortunate that it has fallen at this time of year but spring/summer is always the busiest.

If DCs had been invited then I would have taken them with me and between my DPs (who will be at the wedding) and myself, we could have managed the logistics.

As it is, DH is saying he could travel to the event (a few hours away) and then try and get back for a childminder and/or take them with him for some of the time. I don't think it would be fair to take them with him as it's not really a suitable environment. This leaves childcare, which given that DH would not be in the local are and would be working at best very late into the evening, would have to be very flexible and include a whole day Sunday and late evenings. I don't have anyone to call on for this but I guess potentially there are other options.

My DS's birthday is a factor although as others have said this could be celebrated another day.

To be honest, the logistics of sorting out 4DCs childcare to fit around DH is mindblowing and I don't think I could relax at the wedding. Before I spoke with my brother I thought it reasonable to suggest a seperate get together to celebrate the marriage.

A RL friend suggested today that I go for just the ceremony and the hotfoot it back straight after and I am thinking this could be a really good compromise.

Thanks for all your replies. It has been useful to have other people's views.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 15:57

OP, your DB is being incredibly unfair. Yes, you have a year to sort it out, but it really, really puts you in a spot. Have you explained these logistics to your DM? She didn't sound supportive in your OP but maybe she hasn't realised the reality of the situation.

Maybe say "Look DM, help me sort something out. These are the facts:" and state what you have told us above. Ask her for a solution. When she realises how difficult it is for you, she may realise it's not you who's being difficult and work on your brother a bit.

Original poster
RainQueen · 15/10/2012 16:01

It's funny you should saw that YouOld because I have been in contact with DM via e-mail today and she seems to be realising the difficult position I am in a bit more so that is taking a lot of the pressure off now. Smile

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 16:06

Yes, I think she is the key here. Once she understands you are between a rock and a hard place she will calm down a bit and talk to your DB.

In a few years time when your DB has kids, you can enjoy that sheepish guilty feeling he should have when he realises kids can't go in kennels and Mary Poppins is ex directory.

Startailoforangeandgold · 15/10/2012 16:06

No

LtEveDallas · 15/10/2012 16:22

I think I have got this to come. My neice gets married next year - she has already said it is child free.

If DD isn't invited then we won't be going. We don't leave her with babysitters, only family, and of course all the family will be going.

I have no issue with not going, and will happily wish the B&G a lovely day and a long and happy marriage - but my sister (DNeice's mum) I know will go BATSHIT. I am dreading it.

Best of luck sorting this out RainQueen. I hope it works out for you and your DBro can see what an awkward position he has put you in.

EldritchCleavage · 15/10/2012 16:25

I don't get saying 'Your kids aren't invited' ('child-free' is such a euphemism) then kicking off when you can't come. Talk about ignoring cause and effect.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/10/2012 16:26

Good. Work on your mother. She might be able to influence your brother. I bet he does not have children himself, as otherwise he would not been so unfair.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 16:28

Exactly Eldritch.

They can have whatever wedding they want (personally I prefer weddings with kids), but to add conditions and then kick off when a mother of 4 can't meet those conditions is appalling. And then OP is the one being given a hard time about it! I'd be sticking his wedding cake where the sun don't shine.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 15/10/2012 16:29

I'm Confused here both at your brother and you ie shouldn't he be making more if an effort for his sister? And sometimes siblings are unreasonable- I suppose you need to see what you can so. What would you do if you had to miss your DC's birthday for work and absolutely had no choice?

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 15/10/2012 16:30

"Can do". Dratted phone.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 16:31

It's similar to when people have their wedding abroad and then get huffy because people won't sacrifice the annual family holiday budget in order to go.

Couples can have the wedding they like, in a lighthouse on Christmas Eve if they like, but Bridezillas and Groomzillas have to accept if they add Terms and Conditions, some people won't be able to come and the decent thing is to be OK about that, not rant and make people feel bad.

CinnabarRed · 15/10/2012 16:31

Frankly, in your precise position, I don't see how you can go.

Your poor DH can't work and look after your DCs, and you've made it absolutely clear that DH not working is simply not an option. Take that off the table.

That only leaves 2 options:

  1. Try to find childcare local to where you live. I can see that being incredibly hard with such small children. The older 2 might be able to stay with school friends. The little 2 are a whole other ball game. My DS1, at that age, would have been fine with a temporary nanny for the weekend; my DS2 would be distraught to be left with a stranger.
  1. Take the DCs (for 5 hours on public transport Shock) and then find childcare just while you're at the wedding.

Of course, there is a third option - ask your DB to make an exception for your DCs. That's what I would do.