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Original poster

Do I go to brother's wedding?

255 replies

RainQueen · 15/10/2012 08:23

My brother is getting married next year but has decided not to have any children at the wedding. My children are the only children in the family. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6.

I was fine with their decision but said that as my DH and I have no childcare and the wedding is 5 hours from our home I wouldn't be going but we could have a celebration seperately after the event.

This all seemed to be agreed until I got an e-mail from my Mum begging me to go and alying it on thick about it being my brother's one wedding etc etc. I thought this was just my Mum getting emotional so I rang my brother to get his opinion.

I was shocked that he said he expected me to attend and would not forgive me if I didn't. It is possible for me to go on my own (DH would have to saty with the DCs) but it would mean my DH rearranging a busy work scedule and me staying away for 2 nights, including my DS's 7th birthday. Financially, it would be a stretch but as my brother pointed out I have been given a year's notice!

I have never stayed away before and don't really want to go on my own. However, I don't want to fall out over this. When DH and I got married it was a registry office with two witnesses so I have never understood the fuss over weddings!

Anyway, WWYD? I have a feeling I will have to go to keep the peace but I am upset that I will have to leave my DCs and go on my own.

OP posts:
squeaver · 15/10/2012 12:00

Sorry, MASSIVE cross-posting with strageglue there

squeaver · 15/10/2012 12:01

Finally, don't you drive? Could you hire a car?

whiteandyelloworchid · 15/10/2012 12:02

i wouldnt go, if my dd couoldnt come and id miss her birthday

id say if dd can come we will all come, if not have a great day, and leave the offer of doing something seperate together later

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Weddings
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 15/10/2012 12:04

I wouldn't go, especially if it was my child's birthday. If your brother really wants you to go he could make an exception for your children. If he he wont then he should accept your refusal with good grace.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 12:07

You know if you choose to have a child-free wedding - then the risk you take is that some guests just can't make it.

Reading everything you've said I don't think its at all sensible for your DH to try and look after the DC's whilst working at his event - god, he'd be crazy to try and do so.

And its not easy to find childcare for 4 children for 2 nights I know that.

I'd simply explain all this to your brother and tell him how very sorry you will be to miss his wedding but there really are no options.

MainlyMaynie · 15/10/2012 12:08

Bloody hell, only on Mumsnet could you read people arguing you were bringing your children up to be entitled by being there for their 7th birthday!

OP, is there anyway you could take your children with you for the weekend and arrange a few hours childcare there?

birdofthenorth · 15/10/2012 12:08

Never understood how people can exclude their own nieces & nephews from a wedding. No other children, fair dos, but your own close family?

I would do as NatashaBee suggested (& if he says yes, you just have to stomach the cost, save what you possibly can, and turn it into a fun mini break with something nice added on for DS's bday).

Original poster
RainQueen · 15/10/2012 12:08

I here what you are saying squeaver about childcare but I don't want to leave my DCs with someone I don't know. I am sure there are lots of very good childcare providers there but I don't want to do that.

I think I am going to have to talk some more with DH about options. I don't want to cause a rift and I will go if it prevents that.

I am not debating the decisions about a childfree wedding. Each to their own, it's just that decisions like that have far reaching consequences, as I am finding.

I have to go now. Not ignoring the replies but real life is calling!!!! I will update when I get back on.

OP posts:
Pinner35 · 15/10/2012 12:15

I would give my brother these options and let him make the decision - either you come with the DC's or you don't go. You'll soon find out his priorities. Good luck....family weddings are a nightmare.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 12:18

And debating the whys and wherefores of child-free weddings on these threads is such a waste of time. Some people decide not to have kids at their weddings. They may or may not regret this years later, but that's their decision now. Get over it, ffs.

Squeaver, I think most people agree the bride and groom can have any wedding they want. What's unacceptable is when the B and G then have a go at guests for not meeting the difficult conditions they have set.

Cluffyfunt · 15/10/2012 12:18

My lovely DGdad gets really p*##ed off with child free weddings, especially ones where even children related to the wedding party are not welcome.

He says that you can't pick and choose when someone is in your family.
Good times or bad, young or old, you take the rough with the smooth -or what's the point?

He is the best person I know Smile

ithaka · 15/10/2012 12:23

I don't think you will necessarily cause a rift if you don't go. Weddings seem huge big deals in the run up to them, but post honeymoon it should all come into a bit of perspective.

We did not attend my SIL's wedding, which was most unpopular with my DH's family. I'll spare you the convoluted back story, but suffice to say within less than a year it had all been brushed under the carpet and everyone had moved on.

I think a 7th birthday is reason alone for not attending, personally, and that is the reason I would give and just calmly stick to it, whilst wishing them well and arranging to get together post honeymoon. I am sure it will all be fine, in the end.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 12:25

Cluffy, that's a wise and lovely grandad you've got there.

golemmings · 15/10/2012 12:42

If you have a years notice for your db's wedding, he had 7 years notice of his nephews' birthday...

skyebluesapphire · 15/10/2012 12:49

We didnt invite family children to our wedding as that would have meant another 12 people and there wasnt the room/money. A couple of my cousin's wives said that they wouldnt be able to come if they couldnt bring the children and I said - oh dear what a shame, never mind! However, if my brother had children I would have invited them and them only......

If I am invited to a wedding now with DD not invited, it would not be a problem, it is the couples perogative to invite who they want, but as others have said, they should not be offended if you are unable to attend.

Also, of course you want to be with your child on their birthday. What mother wouldn't? YANBU in my opinion. Your brother needs to accept that his decision is influencing your decision.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 13:23

Bloody hell, only on Mumsnet could you read people arguing you were bringing your children up to be entitled by being there for their 7th birthday!

Mainly- I know- I couldn't believe it. Don't forget inflexible- it makes them "entitled and inflexible"!

QuintessentialShadows · 15/10/2012 13:38

And equally, I cant believe that people think that a couple about to get married should have to bear in mind all the birthdays of their invitees children to ensure there is no clash in dates!

Confused Only on mumsnet!

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 13:42

Quint- they're not and they haven't! If it clashes it clashes, but guests are allowed to have choice in whether they attend a wedding. B and G shouldn't hassle them.

I have very few nephews and nieces and I am very close to my DB. I wouldn't get married on his DD's birthday. The date is etched in my memory. If I did, I would invite her and get everyone to sing Happy Birthday at the wedding. To have the wedding the day of a DN's birthday AND exclude them from being with their mother is just bloody thoughtless.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/10/2012 13:48

I know, and I did not suggest the OP did either!

choceyes · 15/10/2012 13:49

And equally, I cant believe that people think that a couple about to get married should have to bear in mind all the birthdays of their invitees children to ensure there is no clash in dates!

This! Unbelievable.
A wedding trumps a childs birthday for sure. Ok not a 1st birthday, but I would certainly pick a wedding over a DCs birthday. Sometimes on their birthdays I've been at work and they've been at nursery...so we just celebrate it at the weekend. What's the big deal?!

But I think it is majorly shitty that your DB is not inviting your DCs. They are family afterall. I'd feel quite akward going to a very close family wedding without my DCs. I don't mind child free weddings at all and I never expect my DCs to be invited to friends weddings (but they always have been, even to not so close friends, next week we are going to a wedding of a friend of DHs, I've not even met the bride, but they still invited the DCs), I always thought it customary to invite close family children.
I would be very cross with your DB.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 13:53

If a wedding was on the same day as my DCs birthday, and they were included in the wedding I would still go. Kids love weddings and birthday parties are rarely on the same day as the birthday anyway, so could be done later.

If they were excluded from a wedding and could not spend their birthday with me, I wouldn't go to the wedding.

EldritchCleavage · 15/10/2012 13:53

I think a couple of baby sitters is the answer, while your DH works.

It doesn't have to mean leaving your children with someone you don't know, because you have a year to introduce them to whoever you are going to use.

Could be a couple of older teenagers you know locally. It's the kind of thing I used to do as a sixth-former. It was for local families, usually people my parents and I already knew socially, but it could also be a local childminder.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 13:55

Eldritch- the local childminder would have them for two days and nights then as the wedding id five hours away!

The groom should come up with some ideas. The miserable stubborn sod.

StaceeJaxx · 15/10/2012 13:56

If my sister decided not invite my dds to her wedding she would haven't the bloody opportunity to not forgive me because I wouldn't be speaking to her! How dare he insist you go but not deem your DC worthy enough of an invite! I'm all for child free weddings (our small was wedding was child free apart from close family - DSD and DH's nephew). I think he's got a fucking cheek and it would upset me immensely that he didn't want his nieces and nephews there.

EldritchCleavage · 15/10/2012 13:59

Would she? Not if the DH juggles work a bit and the OP finds transport alternatives.

Not saying it would be easy, and I have little truck with the whole not inviting your own nieces and nephews to your wedding, but not even to try and go or find a way of doing it a whole year in advance is going to hole the OP's relationship with her brother below the waterline.