career vs baby

[neverarighttime]

I'm really keen to become a mum and have felt ready for a few years now. But it's only in the last 6 months that my dp has also become excited by the idea. Recently my career has been in the doldrums while he's doing well at work. So everything clicked into place and we threw away my pill.

Suddenly an opportunity has appeared for me - it's a big step up, a very exciting job and one I'd love to do. But it's also a very responsible job and I would be the person solely in charge. Meaning there wouldn't be a team to cover me if I took maternity leave. So now I feel this big weight - I can't take the job and continue to try for a baby as the role would fall apart without someone dedicating their full time to it (initially).

Should I stay in my boring, low-paid job and start the family we want, or take the exciting, highly-paid job and postpone? I'm 31. How long can I realistically postpone for if we want more than one dc?

I'm feeling pretty resentful that a man would not have to face this decision because having a dc would not affect his work the same way. I hate the idea of being the woman who lets the company down by taking a promotion and spending the first year on maternity leave. Everyone always mutters about them, but it's just not fair!

All opinions and insights gratefully received! Thanks...

admittedly it's optimistic to assume DC would be made immediately!!

Well, you never know ..

What are the laws about maternity where you are?

maintain your career mojo,you comparmentalise career at work,mum at home
I've returned 6mth after pgs, also completed postgrad, got promoted
you are mum and you also adequately manage career.make sure dp share parenting tasks

3 months paid leave, not sure about the rest of the rules. Guess I should do some research

neverarighttime I think that sort of attitude is one which really holds many women back :) They could employ another woman instead of you, who also goes on leave. They could employ a man who leaves for a better job after 9 months. They could employ a woman who decides after a year that the company doesn't suit her. They could employ a man who goes on sick leave after 3 months. Recruitment is a part of life for companies and they will not fall apart without you.

Instead, think of it the other way round. They get you for at least X months, which is far better than them not having you at all because you are awesome :) And you have X months to convince them that they really should take you back after your leave.

you're right albatross. Need to stop being daft about it and get on! And on that note, I have to go now. Thanks everyone for your sound advice

Never I would absolutely research The law where you are, this is worth knowing anyway.

Yes, aufaniae, agree entirely. Sorry, I misunderstood.

"Yes but if I'm responsible for this part of the business, me only, then I am letting them down since they're employing me over a man/someone else to do that."

They are employing you because they want you, your skills, your abilities.

They're not doing you a favour. This is a business decision.

You don't owe them consideration in how you manage your fertility.

They won't be sentimental about getting rid of you if business needs change.

"To leave in 9 months leaves them recruiting for the same role within a year and means they may not take me back after my leave."

They might not take you back after 18 months or 2 years either.

If you're planning multiple children while keeping this career, an employer who will fire you for having children probably isn't one you'd want to go back to.

The way I see it, if you take the job and continue TTC the worst thing that can happen is you fall pregnant straight away and have only 9 months in the job.

That's a pretty good worst outcome if having children is more important to you than your career.

Would it be helpful to go for a fertility 'MOT'? It's offered by a lot of private clinics and might give you an idea of the implications of delaying TTC for a couple of years.

(Personally I would have been useless at combining a high powered, stressful job and mothering an infant. At 31 I probably would have gone for the job and delayed TTC.)

Also what wandering said.

That is exactly the right attitude :)

Thanks again for all your helpful answers. It's crystallised everything in my mind so I will for sure take your advice and do the right thing career wise. I'm going to put off TTC for at least the first 2-3 months because getting my head round a new role will be stressful enough without adding anything else into the mix. Then once I've made a start I'll have a better idea of whether I need to wait a year or whether we can just continue TTC and see what happens.
Thanks for giving me some perspective

Never, that sounds good. Good luck!

sorry neverarighttime, I mixed feeds with all of mine so they were used to a bottle from birth. For my boys bf was not enough anyway - they needed the bottle too. I stopped bf with them all between 3 days and 4 weeks - my milk was rubbish!!
You can get a wet nurse if you are worried about that whole bf thing - my advice would try not to get too caught up in the obsession with bf - there's much bigger things to worry about and it gives everyone else the opportunity to look after and be with the baby (in my experience it makes it easier to get into a routine and makes for a better nights sleep too!!)
I had a nanny in from day 1 so the boys bonded with her too. I didn't go away for the first few weeks with my first (feeling a bit emotional and protective), but when I'd done it once it became easier. By the time I got to the third I was back at work the afternoon I had him (not proud of that fact, but the wages needed paying!!!).

This is one of those questions where it's good to have an intellectual debate about he pros and cons of each option so that you know what you're getting into, but ultimately you'll have to go with your heart.

What I would think about in your position is your DP's role in all this. While I accept he can't share your maternity leave, that doesn't mean he can't take equal responsibility for any child you conceive. Once you're back at work, there's no earthly reason why he can't collect your child from nursery and put it to bed/get it up in the mornings and drop off, etc., while you're off travelling for your job. Plenty of single mothers with jobs have to juggle this and manage it successfully, so why not him? You're not doing this as a single parent.

Obviously that leaves you with the initial maternity period still to deal with, and there's the issue of when you want to go back to work after having your child as some people prefer sooner than others, and it's impossible to predict until you're in that situation IME. However, when you look at the longer-term picture, this is entirely doable if, say, you took 3 months maternity, which is fairly common.

Personally, however, while I think juggling career and baby is entirely doable, I think juggling a new job with a baby could be far too much at once, and I'd be tempted to take the job, pursue it for a year, then start TTC (bearing in mind that if you conceived straight away, you'd still be nearly 2 years into it by the time the child was born), secure in the knowledge that you know your role inside out and can therefore juggle career and baby much more effectively.

Good luck, whatever you decide.