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Original poster

career vs baby

89 replies

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 05:39

I'm really keen to become a mum and have felt ready for a few years now. But it's only in the last 6 months that my dp has also become excited by the idea. Recently my career has been in the doldrums while he's doing well at work. So everything clicked into place and we threw away my pill.

Suddenly an opportunity has appeared for me - it's a big step up, a very exciting job and one I'd love to do. But it's also a very responsible job and I would be the person solely in charge. Meaning there wouldn't be a team to cover me if I took maternity leave. So now I feel this big weight - I can't take the job and continue to try for a baby as the role would fall apart without someone dedicating their full time to it (initially).

Should I stay in my boring, low-paid job and start the family we want, or take the exciting, highly-paid job and postpone? I'm 31. How long can I realistically postpone for if we want more than one dc?

I'm feeling pretty resentful that a man would not have to face this decision because having a dc would not affect his work the same way. I hate the idea of being the woman who lets the company down by taking a promotion and spending the first year on maternity leave. Everyone always mutters about them, but it's just not fair!

All opinions and insights gratefully received! Thanks...

OP posts:

nancerama · 13/10/2012 09:38

I had DS at the age of 35 and made the decision not to return to work. I don't miss it at all.

Prior to being a mum I had the best job in the world. I loved it - international travel, great colleagues and a variety of challenges working in a fast moving fun industry. Being a mum was incompatible with the job, and although I loved it, I loved him more. However, this decision was easy to make because I had done the job for many years and achieved more than I ever thought I would. I was ready for something new and that something new was motherhood.

In your shoes, I don't know what I'd do. I didn't plan to have children as late as I did, but in hindsight it was the perfect time to have a family.

Himalaya · 13/10/2012 09:41

Neverarightime "a man wouldn't have to!" I know. It is frustrating. I think the other thing for you and DH to be aware of is the career choices he makes in next few years - e.g. If he has the opportunity to stear his job towards more/less travel more/less flexibility etc... and the implications of this for your ability to combine work and motherhood.

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 09:42

Leftwing I think you're right. The job, and motherhood, are both unknown to me right now. The job will offer me more security, and future opportunity. I will find out later if it's compatible with having a DC, and as someone said (sorry I forgot who) if it isn't then I can go back to a less demanding job in a couple of years.

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Families

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 13/10/2012 09:46

Agree with Himalaya, discuss now with DH how the childcare might be managed in due course.

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 09:46

"I want DCs, that is my life goal but also I don't want to sacrifice my career - a man wouldn't have to!"

I'm not suggesting you sacrifice your career. Far from it.

You would be crazy not to take this job.

I just don't see why taking it means you have to start using contraception.

If you get pregnant quickly, you'll work it out.

If you don't, you've lost nothing.

The impact of pregnancy and babies on women's careers is frustrating, but IME and O, you can work through it.

Arranging your fertility to please an employer isn't really necessary.

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 09:46

nancerama, when I was at uni I totally thought I'd be well into motherhood by the time I was 31... like you I never planned to put it off. I only met my DP 3 yrs ago and I'm not one to rush into having babies! I've spent 10 years building my career. I think your choices have paid off for you and your DC and I would hope that I can be as lucky!

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Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 09:48

Athinginyourlife, true - I shouldn't wait to TTC to please an employer. But to wait in order to protect my job and income, I think is reasonable?

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Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 09:49

Himalaya you are full of good advice

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AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 10:01

How is waiting protecting your job?

If having children is something you want to do above all else, and you are in your 30s and childless, I think making it a priority alongside your job is smart.

I wouldn't wait. I'd take my chances with both and make it work.

But if waiting a few more years feels OK to you, and not like you're postponing something you really want to do, then wait.

Just don't presume pregnancy will happen when you want it to. It doesn't work that way.

What is most important to you?

How many children do you want?

Do you want a career or a couple of years in this job before you Mommy track yourself?

wanderingalbatross · 13/10/2012 10:03

I had a similar-ish decision to make when I was a couple of years younger than you and I was stalling in a job I didn't really like. Not quite the same though as mine was well paid and on paper a good career job to have. I looked around and there were exciting jobs that required travel but I decided to stay in the boring job and TTC. Luckily, I got pregnant very quickly, and while I was pg I made some changes at work to take on extra responsibility etc, and the job was much more enjoyable when I went on leave. Then, while I was on maternity leave, another exciting opportunity came along so I left my old job for the new. Now we're TTC #2 and I've been in the new job 4 months.

In the end, I'd taken 11 months maternity leave, but in hindsight I think I'd rather have taken 8 or 9 months. Everyone I know who has taken maternity leave has found that their company coped just fine without them, and they were able to slip right back into their old roles.

In your position, I'd take the job, wait 3-4 months then TTC, so at a minimum you have a year in the new job. I'd work really hard at the new job to establish yourself, and take it from there. You have nothing to lose by a year of a senior job on your CV, but loads to gain.

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 10:07

thanks albatross that's an interesting suggestion. DC doesn't appear at moment of TTC - that in itself takes time and then it's another 9 months after that... so a year with a great job is better than none.

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aufaniae · 13/10/2012 10:15

"You are still young. My best friend got married at 39 and had her first baby at 40, everything is fine."

That's not good advice. As I said up-thread my friend started TTC at 30 and it took 4 years - and 2 round of IVF - to get pregnant. Had she waited till 39 she would have had very little chance of being a mother.

Just because one person you know managed to conceive at 40 certainly does not mean everyone can. Also, the chances of having a baby with Downs at 40 are estimated at 1 in 100, up from 1 in 900 at 30.

aufaniae · 13/10/2012 10:16

neverarighttime how long do you think you'd need - at a bare minium - to establish yourself in this job, to set up the new role and get it all running?

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 10:19

aufaniae I can't say for certain, but I'd guess 1 year min, ideally 18 months

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scottishmummy · 13/10/2012 10:22

do both,baby and career.you and dp sit and work out childcare and plans
with two adequate wages yes you can get childcare and you do both
you don't need to be a housewife,lose career because you had a baby

Leftwingharpie · 13/10/2012 10:30

Pretty much everyone is saying take the job.

aufaniae · 13/10/2012 10:34

In that case how about you take the job, and just put off TTC for a few months - perhaps 6?

That sounds like the ideal solution to me.

You get the great job, a permanent position you can go back to, and to start having babies soon :)

If you took the job and left instantly you'd be leaving them high and dry, but if you start the job now, and have it in the back of your mind the whole time that someone will need to take over from you (so making sure everything is well documented, for example, to make it easy for someone to pick the job up). 18 months is plenty long enough to get the job established. And the job might not suit you once you're a mum, but having it on your CV will make it easier to find another one if you choose to.

Congratulations on the job offer btw :)

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 10:35

Yeah, I'd say it's a hands-down winner. The only disagreement seems to be whether I wait to TTC or not - but that's a decision I can take once I've started in the role and know what it's really like.

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Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 10:36

Thanks, aufaniae!

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wanderingalbatross · 13/10/2012 10:39

Also, lose the guilt about 'letting them down'! I was terrible for this, but a few things happened that made me realise that a good employer will support you whatever happens, and someone on maternity leave for a few months is not normally a problem.

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 10:43

Athinginyourlife
1 - DCs ultimately are more important to me than my career
2 - I'd hope to have more than 1 DC
3 - I would like to have this job, long term. Or at least as a stepping stone to a similar, senior and long-term position.

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AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 10:44

"If you took the job and left instantly you'd be leaving them high and dry,"

This makes no sense

1 why would she leave "instantly"?

2 taking maternity leave is not leaving anyone "high and dry"

You don't need to apologise for getting pregnant, like it's some big inconvenience to everyone else.

It's a part of life, it's dealable with if you want it to be.

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 10:47

Exactly, getting pregnant is not letting anyone down.

Women need to stop acting like it is.

aufaniae · 13/10/2012 10:47

I'm not saying she would leave instantly, that was my point - sorry if it wasn't well made!

My point is that she shouldn't worry about leaving her employer high and dry as she won't be. Even if she starts the job and continues TTCing, babies take a while to be made, that was my point!

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 10:48

Yes but if I'm responsible for this part of the business, me only, then I am letting them down since they're employing me over a man someone else to do that. To leave in 9 months leaves them recruiting for the same role within a year and means they may not take me back after my leave (I'm not subject to UK employment laws)

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