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Original poster

career vs baby

89 replies

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 05:39

I'm really keen to become a mum and have felt ready for a few years now. But it's only in the last 6 months that my dp has also become excited by the idea. Recently my career has been in the doldrums while he's doing well at work. So everything clicked into place and we threw away my pill.

Suddenly an opportunity has appeared for me - it's a big step up, a very exciting job and one I'd love to do. But it's also a very responsible job and I would be the person solely in charge. Meaning there wouldn't be a team to cover me if I took maternity leave. So now I feel this big weight - I can't take the job and continue to try for a baby as the role would fall apart without someone dedicating their full time to it (initially).

Should I stay in my boring, low-paid job and start the family we want, or take the exciting, highly-paid job and postpone? I'm 31. How long can I realistically postpone for if we want more than one dc?

I'm feeling pretty resentful that a man would not have to face this decision because having a dc would not affect his work the same way. I hate the idea of being the woman who lets the company down by taking a promotion and spending the first year on maternity leave. Everyone always mutters about them, but it's just not fair!

All opinions and insights gratefully received! Thanks...

OP posts:

SuiGeneris · 13/10/2012 07:33

Very difficult one, but you do need to bear in mind:

It might take quite a while to conceive (eg it took us >18 months with DS1)
You might not be up to travelling during the pregnancy (bear in mind increased risk of DVT, food restrictions, risk from infections and, from 25 weeks, restrictions on insurance and plane travel)
You might be able to work until the end (in my second pregnancy I was still interviewing/doing meetings etc at 38 weeks) but you might be unwell early on. You might be able to work around the unwellness (eg working from home, resting more) but you might well need to disclose your status ahead of time.
Depending on how the birth goes, you might need a longer recovery period.

Am not trying to be negative, but you need to be aware of different outcomes. My two pregnancies, for example, were v different and, although I planned to work until the latest possible moment, I had to work from home in weeks 9-17 and go on early mat leave (around 22 weeks) with DS1, with DS2 I worked through to 38 weeks (part-time and often from home) but was really quite ill for two months mid-pregnancy and could not even work from bed during that. Both DS are perfectly fine though.

What I am trying to say is that you cannot plan this very much and things will happen that you have no control over.

As for after the birth, you might not want to mix feed/go back early or you might find that, much as you love the baby, you need the intellectual stimulation of work. And, depending on how brilliant and irreplaceable you are, you might find that your company/colleagues/boss can make arrangements you cannot even think of now...

RationalBrain · 13/10/2012 07:37

Is the job long term one that is compatible with your ideal of being a mother?

(ie will it allow part time if you want it, or will you be able to scale back e international trips away if that might be an issue)

That's the crux of the decision, not what happens in the next few months.

Himalaya · 13/10/2012 07:39

I think Blackswan's is good advice.

Working while pregnant and as a new mother is hard, physically and logistically, but mostly mentally. If you are established at work and in your role then you can find the mental space for both, but I think taking on a challenging new jib and TTC at the same time is too much.

If you think of how excited you are about TTC imagine how excited you will be about being pregnant and being a parent. In this situation I think it is hard to impossible to do justice to a new and stretching job. Your mind may be elsewhere!

If you put of TTC for 2 years you won't loose out anything in the fertility stakes. It may be hard or it may be easy, but two years isn't going to make a material difference. Meanwhile you get to take this opportunity which may mean the difference between loosing your career or being able to build one that you can combine with motherhood.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

juneau · 13/10/2012 07:47

If you're only 31, I think I would go for the job. Why? Because unless you have problems conceiving you still have plenty of time and this career opportunity will almost certainly never come around again. You might not even get the job, so why not go for it and see if you get it?

I reckon you could give this job a good couple of years and it could possibly, career-wise, set you up for life. I really regret not doing that myself. I got married at 31 and got a good job at 32 that could've led to so many more things, but I got pregnant the first month we started TTC and now my career is utterly shot. I really wish I'd known how fertile I was as I'd have put it off for another year. With all things child-related I think it really helps to take the long view.

SuiGeneris · 13/10/2012 07:51

Btw, I would probably take the job, use condoms for a year and then re-evaluate, keeping in mind all of the above.

Not accepting the job and then maybe finding it takes two years to conceive could be so annoying and also create longer-term resentment and other issues...

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 08:12

Take the job and continue TTC.

If and when you are pregnant you can make decisions based on the fact of being pregnant.

If you miss this opportunity and can't get pregnant you will regret it.

"If you put of TTC for 2 years you won't loose out anything in the fertility stakes. It may be hard or it may be easy, but two years isn't going to make a material difference."

That is terrible advice. 2 years is enough time to have a toddler (or a toddler and a baby!) or to have started treatment if you have problems.

It's a long time to wait and a lot of time potentially wasted.

Finally - don't stay in a low paid job while you are not married. Choosing the baby track of being a SAHM/second wage is foolish without legal protection.

Timetoask · 13/10/2012 08:25

Oh please take this job. You are in your prime and opportunities like this don't often come.
You are still young. My best friend got married at 39 and had her first baby at 40, everything is fine.
Put the TTc on hold for a couple of years.

Himalaya · 13/10/2012 08:42

"That is terrible advice. 2 years is enough time to have a toddler (or a toddler and a baby!) or to have started treatment if you have problems.It's a long time to wait and a lot of time potentially wasted."

It's not "time wasted" if she has set herself up professionally in that time. I don't see the grave urgency at 31. If she waits two years her kids will be two years younger than they would have been.

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 08:50

It's time wasted if she finds out she will have problems conceiving.

You don't need to wait until your life is perfect to stop using contraception.

If you get pregnant, then you make plans to deal with it.

Arranging your life around imaginary babies is silly.

Live your life, take your chances, stop using contraception when you are ready.

It won't all work out neatly. Life is messy.

But living it is better than postponing it until everything is lined up.

Tw1nkle · 13/10/2012 08:51

Personally - I'd have the baby first - as long you wouldn't resent it down the line if you never got your ideal job offer again!
As much as people 'love' their jobs, It's nothing like having 'love' for a child - no job could ever compete IMHO!

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 08:56

"Personally - I'd have the baby first"

That's not one of the options.

They are:

1 take the job
2 refuse the job

Delaying the opportunity she has been offered isn't an option.

The decision to stop using contraception is a separate one.

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 08:59

Thanks everyone. Reading your answers has been really helpful. I do have to take it, if things work out the way I hope they will. It's something I've really wanted for a long time. Someone (I think it was blackswan) said I shouldn't embark on 2 things at once which is fair enough - only that was never my plan. I've been aiming for promotion for 18 months now, and when nothing materialised we made the decision to start our family. It's just sod's law that within 2 months of our decision, this job has cropped up! I will have to put TTC out of my mind for the immediate future. Rationalbrain at this moment, I don't know if the job would be compatible with parenthood long-term, that's something I will only find out as I do it. So I guess for me, it's now a case of wait and see...

OP posts:

Timetoask · 13/10/2012 09:01

She is still young. She can wait a couple of years for a baby, but she may never get this opportunity again.

juneau · 13/10/2012 09:04

Arranging your life around imaginary babies is silly.

Yes - this^. I can't remember where I read recently that many women step off the gas with their careers long before they have their first DC, just because they know that at some point in the future they'll be going on maternity leave/wanting to go PT and what a huge mistake this is. You're in your working prime right now - you need to be ramping up like all the young men around you - not winding down because of what might happen in the future.

Himalaya · 13/10/2012 09:06

"You don't need to wait until your life is perfect to stop using contraception.If you get pregnant, then you make plans to deal with it.
Arranging your life around imaginary babies is silly."

I agree that arranging your life around imaginary babies is silly, but so to is not considering the implications of pregnancy and becoming parents before you start TTC.

Delaying TTC for a period of a couple of years because another, more time critical opportunity has come up is not "waiting till everything is perfect" it is making choices rather than letting life happen to you.

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 09:06

"She is still young. She can wait a couple of years for a baby"

Maybe

Or maybe putting off TTC will turn out to have been a decision not to have children.

That is an unknown.

Himalaya · 13/10/2012 09:08

Good luck neverarighttime!

Leftwingharpie · 13/10/2012 09:09

At 31 I'd take the job. It sounds like a really wonderful opportunity and once you've got that experience behind you, you'll have other opportunities open up to you in the future on the back of it. Yes there is a chance of you having fertility problems and a delay now making the difference between having DC2 or not - but it's a very small chance that you should keep in perspective. After a year in the job you'll have a much more realistic idea of how/whether you can combine it with motherhood and by then you'll have proved yourself in the role and they'll be more willing to accommodate flexible working and travel breaks to make it work. You can always find another boring low paid job if you change your mind.

DizziDoll · 13/10/2012 09:11

This is a really difficult one. I have 2 DCs and have found that my career has definetly slowed down in that time. My dd is 5 now and I have been interviewing for a great new role that is right up my street. It would include travel, lots of responsibility etc. DH and i were TTC and I decided to postpone if I got the job. I heard from the headhunter that they really wanted me and were going to make an offer and then i found out I was pg. I decided to tell the company as I didn't want them to take me on and regret it. I hoped we would start talk about me joining them after mat leave. Surprisingly they want to take me on now, despite me being pg. So sometimes companies can see beyond a temporary absence.. And personally that is the kind of company I want to work for.
I would take the job and continue to TTC. If this job then doesn't work out, another will come along. And they might surprise you with their flexibility.

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 09:13

I think both opportunities are equally time critical.

That's what's hard about being a woman in your 30s.

"so to is not considering the implications of pregnancy and becoming parents before you start TTC."

I disagree.

Those implications basically come down to either children or infertility.

You can do either while having a job.

wifeofdoom · 13/10/2012 09:16

I was offered a promotion and turned it down as TTC. Well, it's been nearly 3 yrs and I've just been offered the same promotion again, no baby in sight. If I had taken it I would have had something else to concentrate on, but the extra stress would have been something I'd have blamed the infertility on and it wouldn't have been so easy to take time off for ivf etc. So pros and cons - but in my experience it can come round again!

ohforfoxsake · 13/10/2012 09:17

I would take the job, with a view to TTC 18 months into it. You'll have two years to enjoy the role and prove yourself.

Don't try to do the job and newborn at the same time. You can't do both well and stay sane. Take 6 months mat leave.

You will want to be a person again after a year or two of motherhood. I would invest in myself now, and establish my path so that when the LO is at full time school you dont feel you have compromised everything.

You CAN have it all. Just not all at the same time.

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 09:22

"After a year in the job you'll have a much more realistic idea of how/whether you can combine it with motherhood and by then you'll have proved yourself in the role and they'll be more willing to accommodate flexible working and travel breaks to make it work."

That is total conjecture.

How the job will go is not knowable from this end.

Ultimately life is something that happens to you. Most of this stuff is not stuff you can control.

You can take a job or turn it down.

You can try to avoid getting pregnant.

You can't decide to be pregnant or to be offered a job.

Original poster

neverarighttime · 13/10/2012 09:31

Himalaya thanks for your support. I don't feel like I'm making imaginary babies, I really want to consider how the next 2-5 years could affect my whole future.

Dizzidoll that is a really interesting perspective and mine is a good company who in future I'm sure would be accommodating - just in the early days it would be wrong to expect them to accommodate me when I haven't contributed anything meaningful yet. You're lucky and obviously very talented!

Athinginyourlife you're right that it's hard for us in our 30s. But I think the implications go far beyond fertile/infertile - what about income and financial security, career satisfaction, professional reputation and future employability? I want DCs, that is my life goal but also I don't want to sacrifice my career - a man wouldn't have to!

Thanks to all of you who are posting, all these points of view are helping me a lot!

OP posts:

Leftwingharpie · 13/10/2012 09:35

I don't understand. It's precisely because it's not knowable from this end that I'm suggesting doing it for a year before making a decision.

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