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Original poster

if you were me and this was your job situation? Would you give it up?

22 replies

wwydimp · 04/09/2012 16:55

So - have two dc's - both KS2. DH works long hours so I juggle school/work/house. I work 30 hrs pw.

Currently signed off sick with stress/depression. Main trigger is my job which is unmanageable given current workload and hours available.

Having looked at family finances we could just about afford for me to give up work with some topping up from savings. DH is happy for me to do this as would practically eradicate the main area of stress although would prefer me to be bringing some income in if possible.

The only thing that's stopping me is that my current job pays well and is also at a good level re: future prospects.

I am half considering a career change so am thinking about spending a 'year off' doing voluntary work and perhaps looking for a pt role or temping to get some extra cash in if necessary. I'd also be able to be there for the dc's to play a bit more of a supportive role in homework etc - atm it's impossible to fit everything and I do feel a little bit that I'm letting them down by working the hours I do (often work away from home) :( (btw - I'm not bothered about a SAHM/WOHM argument :o)

WWYD? Would you take a bit of risk and hand your notice in if it was going to mean an increase in your mental health and wellbeing but would mean that you would be on a tight budget?

I am risk adverse and do struggle with the thought that we're going to be using up savings and that I'm not going to be contributing financially to our household. DH's job is secure.

Help!!!

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 04/09/2012 16:58

Is there an option to go part time?

If you are set against going back to your job then no - you should do what's best for your health and your family.

But in the long term you might regret not fighting for a manageable workload and more flexibility.

Good luck!

expatinscotland · 04/09/2012 17:01

I would give it up.

LadyMargolotta · 04/09/2012 17:03

If the job is making you ill, then yes, give it up. No job is worth that.

Thumbwitch · 04/09/2012 17:06

I would investigate the possibility of PT/temping work availability and then give up the stressful job before my health broke down completely (possible).

I am also risk averse, but when my job was threatening to overwhelm me, I had to find a way out - at the time I was single so didn't have as much to worry about as you - but equally, no other means of support. I still left my job, took a temping job and retrained in a different field. To have extra income, I took in a lodger. It was very tight for 2 years but SOOOOOOO worth it.

You should also ask if you can go more part-time at work, as an option - but that of course could disadvantage you in the future re. advancement in that company.

Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 04/09/2012 17:08

It may pay well but it's made you ill! You can keep a roof on the house and food in your kids even if you quit so quit and do something, anything else.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 04/09/2012 17:10

Give it up! No job is worth your mental health, no matter what the prospects!

I was in a similar position to you a few years back and left my well paid job to train in massage which I now do for myself from home. I have earned a fraction of the amount I did in my old job but I have far, far less stress and it's so worth it!

What do you want to retrain in? Could you get some part time hours in something suitable so you have a bit of cash coming in and it helps your prospects when you requalify?

LillianGish · 04/09/2012 17:13

You hate your job, it's making you ill, you can manage on on one salary - I would give it up. You say you are half considering a career change anyway. Being on a tight budget might not be as tough as you think either once you've got a bit more time to think about it. Giving up work will probably bring its own savings anyway (if that makes sense - lunch at home, more time to shop around for bargains,make stuff from scratch etc).

Original poster

wwydimp · 04/09/2012 19:24

Thank you - I am looking at investigating more pt hours however I'm pretty sure that it won't stand a chance in being approved.

My whole company was restructured about 18 mths ago and all levels of mgmt (bar CEO) are aware that every role is unmanageable. I'm pretty sure a restructure is on the cards in the new financial year and I do think it would push me over the edge.

When I think about what my life could be like if I wasn't in this job I do feel a sense of lightness and relief. I just don't want to feel like I'm making a rushed decision and then regret it next week. I'm just thinking that perhaps I should try to find another job before jumping ship...

I do think the dc's would benefit from having at least one parent around a bit more. For the last six months or so they've had to put up with a shouty mum :(

trying to ignore my glaringly obvious spelling mistake in my op

OP posts:

BIWI · 04/09/2012 19:28

Can't you get yourself some childcare? I'm not surprised you're stressed out if you're doing childcare as well as working like this. I, personally, wouldn't give up my work. But that's me.

Original poster

wwydimp · 04/09/2012 19:49

I do have some childcare so I can work a couple of longer days leaving me able to do a few school pick ups.

BIWI - I'm interested to know why you wouldn't give up your work?

OP posts:

BIWI · 04/09/2012 20:24

Lots of reasons, really. But mainly because my career is about me, who I am and my independence. I have seen too many women give up work and then not only lose out on their careers (skills become redundant very quickly) but also their self-esteem and self-confidence. And the power balance of their relationship changes completely. (I'm speaking very personally here, and this is in no way trying to provoke a SAHM/WOHM argument, to be clear).

I never want/wanted to be financially dependent upon anyone. In fact, I found it excruciatingly difficult when I was on maternity leave, if I had to ask DH for money.

And - if I were in your shoes - I would be worried not just about the here and now, but also about the future, and where I would end up.

But that's me and the things that were/are important to me!

Llareggub · 04/09/2012 20:29

I'm with BIWI. I gave up my job in similar circumstances a year or so ago and it turned out to be a very bad decision. Fast forward a year, I have separated from my husband and I had to go out and get a full-time job at the worst possible time, with a 12 month gap on my CV and rock bottom confidence. Luckily for me, I managed to find a flexible, well-paid job but it could have been so much worse than it was.

Original poster

wwydimp · 04/09/2012 20:34

You see - all of those things are sooo important to me too... and are probably hindering my ability to make any kind of decision.

I've always been financially dependent and even now earn more than dh so it would be a considerable drop in income for us as a family, but I'm thinking that perhaps this is what savings are for - to help get by in the hard times - and that the hard times for now are me needing some space to re-evaluate where I am going and what I want to do.

Also agree with all that you say about the balance in relationships etc - I am hoping that perhaps vol work will give me an opportunity to keep my toe in the water - am looking at being a trustee of a charity to keep my professional side going but also thinking about teaching (I know, I know - but have always been interested in this but never taken the leap)

I've still got 30 years left to work - so a complete career change isn't out of the question.

OP posts:

BIWI · 04/09/2012 20:38

And - big question - why are you the one doing the juggling? Why isn't your DH doing it too?! When I look back at my DC's early years, it was always me doing everything and I actually quite resent it now. It seemed natural at the time - but there was no reason why it should have been. Don't fall into this trap, and don't let his job become more important than yours.

WilfSell · 04/09/2012 20:40

I'm also with BIWI. I would struggle to be completely dependent on someone else for money, and I know far more than I wish I did about how women end up poor, divorced/widowed in old age. I am having a bit of an 'I want a new job' moment myself right now so I kind of understand, but I think you need to decide based on the long-term plan as well as the short-term one. What will happen when the kids leave home? You wouldn't realistically be able to re-enter your career at the same level - women just don't, unless they have VERY in demand skills that either don't date, or can be easily updated. Middle aged women, out of the workplace for some years, having lost their 'work' confidence, don't always easily get employed!

I'm sorry to sound like a Cassandra but just think VERY carefully about all the implications before you jump ship completely. And explore all the options - a secondment for a year? A leave of absence? A job-share? A move into a different role? Same job in another company/organisation? A new job that is completely different? Good luck with your decision...

VivaLeBeaver · 04/09/2012 20:42

They say it's easier to find a job while employed. Can't you look for something else now?

Original poster

wwydimp · 04/09/2012 20:44

Not a big question at all - unfortunately dh works in a job with ridiculous shifts (7 days on, 2 off) and enforced overtime. Think public sector with no union.

When he is off he does contribute fully - happy to cook/clean/parent - it's just that he's not off an awful lot :o If he did a monday to friday 9-5 job it would be a different picture...

OP posts:

Original poster

wwydimp · 04/09/2012 21:26

And sorry to hear, llareggub, that leaving your job had such harsh consequences - don't feel you have to go into detail but do you think leaving your job was a key part of this?

Wilfsell - make no apologies for sounding like a Cassandra - these are all things I'm thinking about and getting no closer to making a decision hence my post for insight from the nest of vipers- wise women of mumsnet :o

OP posts:

wizzler · 04/09/2012 21:30

if its any help, DH was in the same position as you and gave up work.We are all a lot happier as a result .

Could you ask for a career break?

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 04/09/2012 23:20

I totally disagree with BIWI et al.

Your job is making you ill. There is no amount of money you can earn to make it worthwhile you being ill as a result of doing your job. As much as one's self esteem and worth can be tied up in working, if the job you're doing is making you stressed enough to be signed off it can't be boosting your self esteem.

As much as it is tough to be financially dependent on someone else it's only another facet of dependence, which we all have to others at some point in our lives. Why is financial dependence looked on as so much worse than emotional dependence? I'd wager that the OP is emotionally dependent on her DH right now and financial dependence may be easier.

My experience is that stopping work, retraining, regrouping, and retraining again is worth far more than the £50k per year I brought in doing a job that made me ill. DH is probably more assertive on this point - no amount of money is worth a breakdown!

Original poster

wwydimp · 06/09/2012 20:21

No closer to making a decision - I'm 100% sure I'm going to leave my job but it's whether I wait to find a new one or leave and take a few months out to reflect before jumping into something new... I may be some time as I'm terrible at making decisions...

OP posts:

angelpinkcar · 17/09/2012 22:06

Hi there, I was in a similar postion, I took a career break and although very short of money It has given me valuable thinking time away from the situation and I feel a lot stronger for it, if that helps in anyway. If you are like me and does everything in the house plus looking after the DC's plus going to work its enough to make anyone ill after a while. Enlist in some help if you can. Do anything to earn some cash on the side, dog walking ironing, cleaning its doable. You may find that you miss your job and want to go back after a break, there isn't much work out there I am afraid.

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