About a clingy friend?

[SydneyB]

I'm aware that I might sound mean writing this but here goes. We moved to a new area about a year ago. I've made lots of local friends, it's a really friendly area, have kids at the local school. But I have a problem with one of the mums I've met. Our LOs get on well enough, and although not in the same class, are quite good pals. His mother though has begun to behave in an odd way. It's hard to explain. If I disappear at the end of the school day without a chat - kids tired, tantrums etc she texts me to say 'Have I done something wrong?', 'Are you ok?', 'Are you cross with me?' etc and I'm finding it quite wearing and I'm not sure how to deal with it. She also seems really jumpy about me making friends with other parents. I like her, but we're not soul mates, our kids get along, but that's kind of it. How do I distance myself without being rude or offending is my question I guess... Bearing in mind we're going to be at the school gate together for a good few years yet.

Be polite but evasive. I can't handle a clinger, so I phase out politely.

I think honesty is the best policy. When she sends you a text like that ask her why on earth she would feel like that, explain that you are a laid back type of person and don't want to have to explain your whereabouts all the time.

I seem to attract people like this. The first time was years ago and I actually dumped her, I feel quite bad about that now but I was finding the friendship too much like hard work.

The second time was in the last few years. I tried to explain that I am quite casual and don't like intense relationships but she didn't really get it. We are still friends but rarely see each other, she has found another clinger and they are just perfect for each other.

I seem to attract them too. Getting all intense and needy on my ass. Validate me validate me.
I have moved around a bit in my time, and it's always been when I move somewhere new, so there may be something in that. They hone in on fresh blood I think.

It is actually awful to have to brush someone off, but you and I are not equipped to give them what they crave. Poor sods.

I think I'm able to spot them now. I haven't had one for a while.

It has happened to me before too. I'm not sure why. But, the difficulty I find here is that our LOs are friends and there's no escape! Plus there are lots of other friends in common and I'd hate said clingy friend to be cause of rift with others. Maybe there is no easy solution but to be tough?

I too think honesty is the best policy. Next time she sends a clingy text, reply that no of course she's not done anything but that you go to the school to pick up your child rather that socialise and if you don't happen to see her every day it's nothing personal. I think you may need to repeat it several times but she will get the message eventually.

I think MrsMangelfanciedetc has worded it really well.

I think MrMangel's suggestion is a bit harsh. But I too favour a more evasive approach. "I'm fine thanks" and "no" in response to the q "have I done something wrong?" is fine on repeat. Eventually she'll realise you don't respond to her questions like she wants you to and will have to move on in some way.

Blimey , you guys are harsh. I don't mean about the needy texts, that would drive be beserk.
But to the term 'clinger'. I like intense friendships. I find the whole playground 'friendships' ab bit un-real, sometimes bitchy and competititive, and quite superficial and meaningless. They are merely acquaintances.
I see Real friendship as, no matter if you meet once a month or once a year, you so enjoy each others company and its just like you saw eachother yesterday.

Agree with Oblomov.