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Original poster

So stupid and ashamed

60 replies

MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 10:10

Hello,

I have already written this but pressed the wrong button and it disappeared. I'm very very new here so I'm really not up to scratch with abbreviations etc so please forgive me if it's too long.

Dh and I have been together ten years. We run a company together that I had a massive part in transforming and making it what it is today. We also have two children the youngest being 5. We have been through a massive amount of thins together, unfortunately mostly traumatic stuff but we definitely love each other. We have no contact with either of our families as neither of us were blessed when it came to having decent families.

The thing I need help with us about what I have done. I feel so damn ashamed and I know he'll be gunning for me later. I'm actually scared of the confrontation that I have created for myself. I knew it would happen one day.
Dh controls all of he finances. All household bills come out of the business account so does that mean we both kind of pay as we work for the same company? He has full access to the money hat comes into the business either cash or accounts. I have no access. I take a minimal payment of £500 per month from the business and that has I pay my fuel expenses and all household food. It's so hard to live on that amount of money especially when he kids news new things like shoes and clothes. It's impossible. If I want or need more money, I have to go through dh and he will determine if it's worthy or not. I'm 32 by the way. He's 38. Because of this struggling and his reluctance to hand over money that is needed, I started to use a cc but his the statements. To my absolute horror, I found out last night that he's found the statements. He walked out this morning not saying a word but I know it'll be brewing so I'm staying out of work today. I have been paying off the cc so it's not like it's in arrears or anything, I was just using it abut hiding the evidence. I feel like I'm about 10 and been caught red handed. I'm so ashamed, he'll never have any respect for me ever again after this. When I complain about not having enough money, he says to go and get adult time job elsewhere which I think is unfair as I work so damn hard for the business and I'm crucial to it. I have gained and retained a lot of new custom. Of course he works hard too. But, he has that one thing to think and worry about. I have that, the home, kids and shopping to deal with. You know the usual things of cleaning, cooking washing bla bla. He does nothing at home at all and I don't expect him too.

God I feel stupid

OP posts:
pictish · 15/08/2012 11:10

And OP - for God's sake stop accepting this shit!

Original poster
MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 11:12

Sorry yes they are his children. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 11:14

I think that his ways with money probably had something to do with it
Plus working hours when it's not needed. That gets to me too as he's never around for me and the kids and I end up doing everything
Or things don't get done. Drives me mental as its not always
Necessary for him to work so late. Xx

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
pictish · 15/08/2012 11:16

Yes...he's a very selfish man.

FaintingGoat · 15/08/2012 11:20

I imaging your book keeper is paid the going rate?

I would take him at his word - go and get another job and see how he likes it when he has to employ someone to do what you're doing. They'll expect more than £500 a month, I guarantee it.

Alternatively - go freelance. Find out what the going rate is for website maintenance services, and send the business a bill at the end of the month. Better still, inform him that you invoice such services six-monthly, in advance :)

FaintingGoat · 15/08/2012 11:20

*imagine

BalloonSlayer · 15/08/2012 11:25

OK . . . so what are you going to say tonight?

Don't act "stupid and ashamed" - be angry. But coldly angry. Try not to cry.

I'd recommend something like:

"I don't have enough money to make ends meet. You're not happy for me to take out a credit card . . . well neither am I. I am furious. It's a disgrace that the wife of a man with the amount of money you have got squirrelled away - money that she has helped earn - has to take out a loan to feed his children. You have thousands which you keep for yourself. I work never less than xxxxx hours a week for out business [look it up] and you give me £500 a month out of which I have to feed YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. That works out at £xx an hour - remember this is a week where I don't work much. The minimum wage is XXX (sorry - don't know what it is Blush ) This cannot carry on. You either pay me a reasonable amount and you contribute - without quibbling for extra expenses, or I get a job somewhere else. Which will mean you shelling out for someone to do my job, and half of the childcare. Or we split up and see how much of a contribution the judge thinks I have put into the business."

WoodlandHills · 15/08/2012 11:26

OMG op

he is a controlling twunt

how dare he dictate what you can and can't do financially?

you are an ADULT, you are ALLOWED a credit card ffs

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 11:28

Totally agree you should not go into this discussion ashamed and apologetic.

mollymole · 15/08/2012 11:35

How much does he take in salary each month, does he pay himself the going rate for his job. Are you a partnership, or a limited company, or is he a sole trader and using you as cheap labour. If you are not a director of the company then he should at least be paying you minimum wage or you/they are breaking the law. Tot up your hours each week and make sure you are being paid for the hours you work. The book-keeper should be aware of this,
and the accountant should certainly be looking at this. You say you get £500
a month, this is only £6000 a year and this appears to show that your wage is below the legal minimum.
Basic business common sense should ensure that you are at least paid enough to pay a small amount of National Insurance so that you are covered
if the situation arose where you needed to claim anything. The amount you are being paid does not fall into this category.

I do feel that your husband is a controlling, abusive, arse, but it is up to you how you deal with the situation.

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 11:37

mollymole - I know bollocks all about business law, but could it be the case that she's not officially paid as an employee of the company and that the 500 he gives her is "housekeeping" (in his eyes?) If he sees it this way, surely the minimum wage argument is invalid? :( (Apologies if I've said something crashingly stupid there!)

msrisotto · 15/08/2012 11:38

The way he is treating you is absolutely disgusting. I'm appalled. You are worth so much more. Household expenses are not your sole responsibility but over half of his. Imagine if you were bring paid the going rate for childcare and Web design/maintenance for a minimum estimate of what you're worth. You beef to protect yourself and your kids, imagine if he walked out on you all today, you would be destitute and him rich because you are being undervalued and treated like absolute shit. Be angry.

Original poster
MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 11:46

That scares me, if he walked, we'd be screwed. The £500 is classed as 'housekeeping''. I also know nothing about business law, I just kind of do as I'm told! He's classed as a sole trader if that means anything. He wouldn't be where he is without my customer skills and ability to maintain
Them! Of course he works hard too xx

OP posts:
Original poster
MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 11:48

You're all amazing, thank you all so much for all of the valuable input. Xxxx

OP posts:
FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 11:49

So you're working for free?
You would NOT be screwed if he walked out - you'd be massively better off (in more ways than one) as you'd be entitled to half of that money he has tucked away.
What are you going to say to him tonight?

AgathaFusty · 15/08/2012 11:52

What a disgusting, abusive man. It's not just financial abuse towards you, it's towards his children too.

You don't have to live this way, you shouldn't. Neither should your children.

I think BalloonSlayers wording is great. If you can't say it to him, bearing in mind how verbally aggressive he appears to be, and how guilty and probably emotional you are feeling at the moment, then I would write it down and give it him, or email it to him.

He is in the wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have just tried to provide for yourself and your children in the only way you can - you have done great. It's just a shame that he is too much of a twat to realise that.

I would also consider some legal advice (free half hour) or going to CB to check out your rights, just in case he does a disappearing act. Also, if you can access any fincancial documents/proof of business money etc, then get them copied, or take photographs of them, just in case you need them in the future.

mollymole · 15/08/2012 11:57

From what you have said now, you are working for free!!!!
Even though he calls it 'housekeeping' is he putting it through the books as 'wifes wages', this is a common way of putting expenses through the books,thus reducing the profit and very often the wife sees nothing of her 'wages' as such. It seems he has TOTAL CONTROL of the finances, and is manipulative to the extreme. Do you really want to be with him. Did the previous wife have the same 'problem' as you ?

If at all possible go and get yourself a job (and a different partner) and leave him to pay for some one to cover you.

Original poster
MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 11:58

I suppose I'm gonna have to wait and see if he says something which I'm sure he will. I've had a bad weekend and have been extremely upset so I'm wondering if that's why he didn't say anything this morning. He won't be able to hold it in for long. He's very one track minded, life is about earning money and dreaming of having
More. I'm happy taking the kids for a picnic. I'm quite simple!

I'll see what he's like when he comes in and
Go from there but thanks to everyone here, I feel a lot more empowered now! I've spent most of my life feeling not
Important enough and it has to stop somewhere. Xxxxx

OP posts:
hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 15/08/2012 12:02

I've spent most of my life feeling not Important enough and it has to stop somewhere

You're right, it does need to stop. You are every bit as important as he is and have every bit as much right to be respected. Do not be afraid to feel important. If you don't rank your own importance highly it makes it easier for others to step on you (Trust me, I've been there and done that. I waited until my late 40s to realise that I was important too and I regret wasting so much of my life putting myself down).

Nagoo · 15/08/2012 12:04

He should be ashamed, not you :(

I hope this helps you start making changes OP.

Housespouse · 15/08/2012 12:07

i agree with Balloonslayer above.

Is it possible that you have been doing such a good job managing on £500 a month that your DH simply does not realise what a struggle it has been? You should lay out your hours, his hours, your joint responsibilities (this def incudes the DC) and see if money is being fairly allocated. Can you see his accounts? Can you ask him? If he said no, that would be very telling. If you can see them, then you will see how much money there is/ isn't to play with. If the business is not in fact earning much at all then it may be that he too should be looking at getting a job as an employee where he can work set hours and bring home a normal amount of money. If it's doing well, then you should get a lot more "housekeeping" and he should employ someone to do the website etc.

Good luck. Do try to stay calm. Perhaps write down a list before he gets home. A rational list, with no accusations but clearly setting out the position as you understand it. Then ask him if it looks reasonable.

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 12:31

Why don't you resolve to have THE conversation tonight, whether or not he brings up the credit card?

AgathaFusty · 15/08/2012 14:50

Agree with Fermez, don't wait for him. Get angry about his treatment of you. Demand answers, wages, equality - you are married, it should be a 50/50 partnership. He needs to understand that.

RunningUpThatHill · 15/08/2012 17:26

Can't say any more than what has been said just want to say good luck hope you can work some things out tonight

FaintingGoat · 15/08/2012 21:40

I hope everything is ok for you tonight OP, and that you have had chance to properly discuss this with your DH.

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