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Original poster

So stupid and ashamed

60 replies

MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 10:10

Hello,

I have already written this but pressed the wrong button and it disappeared. I'm very very new here so I'm really not up to scratch with abbreviations etc so please forgive me if it's too long.

Dh and I have been together ten years. We run a company together that I had a massive part in transforming and making it what it is today. We also have two children the youngest being 5. We have been through a massive amount of thins together, unfortunately mostly traumatic stuff but we definitely love each other. We have no contact with either of our families as neither of us were blessed when it came to having decent families.

The thing I need help with us about what I have done. I feel so damn ashamed and I know he'll be gunning for me later. I'm actually scared of the confrontation that I have created for myself. I knew it would happen one day.
Dh controls all of he finances. All household bills come out of the business account so does that mean we both kind of pay as we work for the same company? He has full access to the money hat comes into the business either cash or accounts. I have no access. I take a minimal payment of £500 per month from the business and that has I pay my fuel expenses and all household food. It's so hard to live on that amount of money especially when he kids news new things like shoes and clothes. It's impossible. If I want or need more money, I have to go through dh and he will determine if it's worthy or not. I'm 32 by the way. He's 38. Because of this struggling and his reluctance to hand over money that is needed, I started to use a cc but his the statements. To my absolute horror, I found out last night that he's found the statements. He walked out this morning not saying a word but I know it'll be brewing so I'm staying out of work today. I have been paying off the cc so it's not like it's in arrears or anything, I was just using it abut hiding the evidence. I feel like I'm about 10 and been caught red handed. I'm so ashamed, he'll never have any respect for me ever again after this. When I complain about not having enough money, he says to go and get adult time job elsewhere which I think is unfair as I work so damn hard for the business and I'm crucial to it. I have gained and retained a lot of new custom. Of course he works hard too. But, he has that one thing to think and worry about. I have that, the home, kids and shopping to deal with. You know the usual things of cleaning, cooking washing bla bla. He does nothing at home at all and I don't expect him too.

God I feel stupid

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 15/08/2012 10:14

He's a fuckwit. He should not be controlling your finances and determining worthiness. You're an adult and you're allowed a credit card.

Pooka · 15/08/2012 10:14

He is being financially abusive. Why do you not have access to family money? How dare he tell you to get adult time job (whatever that means).

Leave the bastard.

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 10:18

Why should you have to go cap in hand to ask for money? You're a family - surely it's family money. I think it's appalling you're going to be stewing and working yourself up all day in anticipation of a row later. :( Is he so controlling about everythnig? You have done NOTHING WRONG.

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Relationship problems
ihatethecold · 15/08/2012 10:18

Sorry but thats not on. How unfair on you. Sad
You need to sit down with him and discuss why you dont have enough to live on.
You have nothing to feel ashamed of at all

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 15/08/2012 10:19

You do realise you don't have to live this way? Marriage is supposed to be a partnership in which you respect each other and treat each other with respect, but he doesn't treat you as an equal nor does he respect you. You have done nothing to feel ashamed of. He, on the other hand, needs to remove his head from his back passage and realise just what he's like. I don't often say this but-leave him.

Ruprekt · 15/08/2012 10:20

This is abuse!

How dare he treat you like a child!

As I read the thread I thought you were going to see you had maxed the card out or spent £10 000 on it! You are using it sensibly and paying it off. Get him to do the food shopping and get shoes and clothes for the kids.

I could not live like this.

Will he be violent when you confront him?

puds11 · 15/08/2012 10:21

He sounds like a controller. Does he control other aspects of your life?

JustFabulous · 15/08/2012 10:25

You are not stupid, you have been bullied.
You have done nothing to be ashamed of, you were trying to provide for your children.

Do not take any shit from this man. The money is just as much yours as his.

I suggest you stop using any money to feed your husband, wash his clothes, anything at all and when he asks why tell him he is a fucking prick and your children come first.

RunningUpThatHill · 15/08/2012 10:25

OMG he is emotionally abusing you and you need help. Have you got anyone to talk to? Any friends? I'm sorry but I have to agree with the above posters this is not on the way he treats you. He is your husband NOT your parent. Of course you have only given us a snapshot of your marriage, but from what you have said this is no way a healthy relationship. You should not be scared of anyone and it sounds to me like you are

tethersend · 15/08/2012 10:29

You are an adult. You are allowed to have a credit card.

It may be time to present him with your invoice for the cooking, cleaning and childcare for the past five years. Don't be too unreasonable- give him 14 days to pay Wink

pictish · 15/08/2012 10:30

Well frankly, if he were not such an overbearing cock about the money, you would not have had to go behind his back like you did.

I see this as equally his doing to be honest.

Of course, he's not going to see it like that, what with him being the mighty King Dick and all that....but if I were you, I'd tell him to take his outrage, roll it up neatly and insert it up his rectum.

Onthebottomwithawomansweekly · 15/08/2012 10:30

I agree with the posters above, and also want to point out that you should be paid a decent salary for the work you do for the company.

This is a horrendous situation and his financially controlling and abusive behaviour is NOT acceptable.

Queenmarigold · 15/08/2012 10:37

So...
You work hard and contribute 50% to the company. And you look after children.

What is the actual reason why you can't be paid a salary more than £500 a month? Plus, as your children are both of yours resonsibilities, he needs to pay half.

Therefore, when he yells at you later, I would simply say that you don't have enough money for you and the children to live on, and therefore you will be taking more out of the company each month.

Has he not noticed how much the cost of living has gone up by in the last 2 years? The RPI was in the news yeterday at over 4%?! That was unheard of a few years ago.

Stand your ground, you have a perfect right to be paid a wage that you work for. The cc can be paid off in the background once you hae sorted out your salary issues. He sounds as tight as a ducks %$&%

BalloonSlayer · 15/08/2012 10:38

I see so many financial abuse situations on here - and one in real life - which follow the same pattern.

Man keeps his wife chronically short of money, moans at her for not managing on the pittance he gives her. She cannot earn any more because of the children.

Eventually she does something desperate like take out a cc or loan, just to make ends meet. He finds out and uses it as a further thing to abuse her with.

My advice - "resign" from your job with the business. Get a job elsewhere, which will pay you more than £500 a month. And tell him you expect him do half the child care and housework because you are now working.

pictish · 15/08/2012 10:40

I agree - resign.

Tell him you want to work for someone who pays a fair wage instead of the laughable pittance he clearly thinks you're worthy of.

Fuck him. Seriously...what an arsehole.

Ahhhtetley · 15/08/2012 10:49

Omg he's being v controlling!! Do you work a full week? If so, £500 is less than minimum wage, if he employed a temp the company would be charged more than that!! If I was in your shoes I'd be tempted to take him up on his offer, go and get a job and then demand he pays half the household bills, plus he have to replace you! If you are an active partner in the business then 50% of ALL the profits should be paid to you!'

You're a grown up and you can have a credit card!! I'm away speechless for you!

Original poster
MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 10:49

Sorry about the 'adult' bit! I meant he tells me to go and get a full time job elsewhere. I'm doing this on my phone so the keys are a little cramped!

Thanks for taking the time to reply. He is terrified of debt and not being able to pay for things. Sometimes his ways are handy but not when
It comes to this. He's not controlling on any other way, the whole time we've been together his money is his and mine is mine. There are no jony accounts, savings accounts nothing. He has lots of different bits and pieces floating around but all my money goes into raising the kids so I don't have enough to save. He got burnt pretty badly by his ex wife financially so he probably is paranoid That history will repeat. I do very love him, maybe I should just go to work elsewhere but that would then mean he would have to help with housework etc and he already doesn't come home from work until 7.30pm (which is unnecessary). We rent out a house as well but the money from
That goes into his bank account and I see absolutely none of it. I worked solid for 5 months getting that house up together, painting decorating, arranging utilities etc etc but I've never seen one flipping penny. Recently I've not been at work do much or when I am
There, I'm not as enthusiastic as I used to be. He accuses me of not
Being 'in it' so it's best I do something else. I don't think he gets why I'm 'not in it' anymore because there's no bloody reward! Ok the house is nice etc etc but whats the point in having a nice house if you can't go to matalan with your kids and spend £50 on them without losing sleep about how you're gonna pay for petrol for the next 3 days?! Xxx

OP posts:
FaintingGoat · 15/08/2012 10:51

I agree with the posters who say he is being financially abusive, and they've given good advice so I can't add much to that.

What I will say though is that it sounds like the lines between business and home finances are a little blurred. When the money is all mixed up together like that, it is hard to see what money belongs to the business and what is available for household spending. How on earth can proper accounts, VAT returns etc be prepared?

I realise this is not your main worry, but the point I'm getting to is that it doesn't sound like he has a clue financially, and therefore should not be in sole charge of the finances. I feel that both partners in a relationship should know the ins and outs of the family finances - and in your case, as you are both part owner and an employee, this means the business finances too.

Original poster
MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 10:51

Right now at this precise moment, he has access to thousands of pounds and I have £2 in my purse. Not even enough to get some cat litter.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 15/08/2012 10:53

Absolutely agree with the others.

glastocat · 15/08/2012 10:58

This is not right. He is financially abusing you as others have said. I bet you he has plenty of spending money, while keeping youand your children short. If I was you Id go out and get a job, and leave the childcare etc up to him, let him see how valuable you are. Actually I wouldn't, I would have left him, but YMMV.

tethersend · 15/08/2012 11:01

Why do you have to pay for the children's things? Are they not his children?

BalloonSlayer · 15/08/2012 11:04

"He got burnt pretty badly by his ex wife financially"

Oh really?

Or did he financially abuse her too? Use her labour to build up a business, pay her peanuts, and when she divorced him the judge wisely awarded her exactly what she was entitled to?

You do realise that if you split up, you would get half of the thousand of pounds that he has access to, don't you? And he would get half of your £2 of course, but I suspect that you would be happy to share that with him right now.

Original poster
MinusFamily · 15/08/2012 11:08

I don't know how it all works as we have a bookkeeper. I get such minimal money to keep the business running and the accounts up together. I worked for nothing for 6 months when
It first started! I work a lot of hours, sometimes the kids are still there with me at 6.30pm and I would have been in since 8.30am. Other days I'll come home after getting kids at 3.30pm. It depends but I also am the only one who can maintain and run the websites so I do do a lot for not a lot! Xx

OP posts:
pictish · 15/08/2012 11:09

What Balloon said.

Bet he treated his ex with the same entitled disregard, and she got fed up with him so brought him bang to rights. This will be how he 'got burnt'.
Bet you a tenner!