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Marriage v House v Children

59 replies

Kavina · 04/08/2012 10:23

Hello.
I wanted some opinions on what to do. I'm 27 and am engaged. We are currently renting a house and saving for a deposit to buy our own house. However it is not looking likely that we will have a house deposit in the near future.
I want to be married before we have children, while my fiancee isn't too bothered, although he does want to get married so is happy to get married before we have children. Neither of us want a big wedding.
We both really want to have children, although we both do agree that we would like to have a honeymoon and so would rather do that before having children.
Basically my question is in what order does everyone think this should be done in, baring in mind that neither of us is getting younger?
A house is too expensive and not going to happen for a while.
A wedding is expensive and would eat away at our house budget.
And a baby is wanted by both although I want to be married first.

Thank you in advance.

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FelicitywasSarca · 04/08/2012 10:25

Marriage, children, house is fine.

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user12785 · 04/08/2012 10:32

We did marriage (v small and cheap but lovely), dc1 while in rented flat, bought first home, dc2. Still in first home and bursting of of it with no chance to climb the ladder, but content . Have fun, an exciting time in your life!

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Adversecamber · 04/08/2012 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Musomathsci · 04/08/2012 10:35

Rent, get married on a modest scale, have the kids, worry about the mortgage later.

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HappyCamel · 04/08/2012 10:37

Marriage, children, house.

My friend got pg (partly to make her bf propose). She's still complaining that she couldn't enjoy the wedding because her son cried through it, that she didnt enjoy her honeymoon because she left him for ten days etc. Being married means you have better legal protection while you're on reduced or no income too.

Marriage doesn't have to be expensive and house prices are falling andit doesn't matter if you never buy. In lots of European countries (eg Germany) owning isn't that common.

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ComeonComeon · 04/08/2012 10:40

You will get replies based on what each poster did. Do what works for you, which I would advise as a not-too-expensive wedding, then a child, then look into buying after that. It's not the be-all-and-end-all to own your house to raise a child in, they are so resilient if you need to move in their first few years it's absolutely fine. And you will have a better idea of where you stand financially too if you wait til you have a child, how much to spend on a mortgage - do you want to work p/t, etc.

Alternatively, don't overthink too much and do what you feel is right. Things have a way of working themselves out for the best, I don't think anyone really regrets anything on your to-do list except maybe stretching themselves too much on a mortgage which will limit your work/stay at home options later.

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IOutrunBoltInMySpareTime · 04/08/2012 10:44

I did them all within 5 months
Graduated July, moved into first house August, DS born September, wedding January.
I wouldn't really recommend it though, it was a tough few months.
Weddings, mortgages, DCs all cost what you have available to spend.
Only you can decide where your financial priorities lie.

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mumblechum1 · 04/08/2012 10:46

We did house, marriage children, but that was in the days when it was easy to buy a house.

In your circs, I'd say marriage, children, house. Our wedding cost about £250, just got our best friends as witnesses then had a few days in Paris. You really don't need to spend much on the wedding.

I would never have had children before getting married because I was a divorce lawyer at that time and hated having to explain to unmarried mothers that they had very few rights, no matter how long they'd been cohabitating.

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conorsrockers · 04/08/2012 10:46

Def get married first - we had kids first and it makes everything (Inc the honeymoon) hard work. We took our DS1 on honeymoon - there is no way I could have left him for 10 days (still couldn't and he's 10!!) but we still had a lovely time.
27 is still quite young, so try not to panic. But I would def. have a small wedding (unless it's something you have always dreamt of) you may find that you need that money when the DC come along!!

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EdithWeston · 04/08/2012 10:59

Marriage first - as that makes a legal difference to your relationship, which impinges on the other two. Wedding - not actually necessary at all in this.

Fit in big holiday together when you can afford it - better before children. If you cut out, or have a genuinely small wedding, then you might find it all becomes affordable. Search MN on ideas for tiny budget weddings. The thought that goes in to making something special may prove to give better lasting memories than a "set piece".

You cannot plan exactly when children might arrive (you can be pretty sure of arranging "not before", but cannot be sure of making them turn up on schedule apart from that). So I would go about these two more or less together, and let the order of events turn out either way.

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gamerwidow · 04/08/2012 11:00

We did house, marriage, children. I had no strong feelings about being married before having children but it just worked out that way.
Weddings don't have to be expensive you could get married for less than £500 if you really wanted to.

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iknowwho · 04/08/2012 11:04

marriage children house.

Weddings don't have to be expensive. How much you spend is up to you but I would go cheap and save your money. Why have an expensive party entertaining people when you can be putting that to your deposit?

I did it child marriage child - I already had my own house.

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JodieHarsh · 04/08/2012 11:04

Marriage first, so you can enjoy it and the honeymoon without child-related worries, and because it'll give you stability and security....the wedding is not the point, really, and need not be expensive - you can have an amazing, beautiful, wonderful celebration without cutting into your savings.

Good luck!

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QueenofPlaids · 04/08/2012 11:05

Honestly you need to decide what's the priority for you. If you have the wedding & the family but can't afford your own place until mid-30s is that okay? (Bear in mind easier to move up the ladder in general than get on it, so first place may be small?)

On the other hand if you have a big mortgage, you may find yourself stretched with young children.

Posters can only speak from their own experience & what they've seen, so here's mine. DP & I were sure on house, keen but in not rush for marriage & uncertain about children, so sounds like the opposite order to your OP

We bought a family home & had a nightmare with it (long and boring story). I'm now in my early 30s and we are keen to get married, but because we've been together so long it does end up down the priority list (particularly as DP would like to buy me a nice ring & I keep seeing jobs that need prioritising first e.g. 'that ring would replace the downstairs bathroom ffs!)

Anyway, I too want to get married before children. I'm also still pretty ambivalent about children, but I guess if it ever becomes an 'urgent' matter we can always nip down the registry office

I've had to 'own' this choice many times, when we discovered problems with the house, when DP was made redundant, when the wedding budget really was spent on urgent repairs.

We're comfortable now and are talking about getting engaged next year (once DP fully established in new job) and planning a wedding the year after. I'll be 33, so not quite the blushing young bride I envisaged (not that it really matters, but I did always think I'd be married before 30 given when I met DP).

It sounds like you really want children. So in your shoes I'd probably be thinking small wedding, try for kids and try to save a bit for a house deposit in the meantime.

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JollyHockeyStick · 04/08/2012 11:09

We did House, Children, Marriage.

We got a shared equity deal on a new build because we couldn't afford a deposit. We moved in in 2009, DS was born in 2011 and we got married in 2012.

We had a very small wedding. Only the three of us and two witnesses then a nice lunch. We have nice wedding rings though. All in, the wedding cost around £1000 including the meal, the clothing and the rings. It was brilliant.

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RobynLou · 04/08/2012 11:10

marriage, children, house.
If you wait to buy a house before you have kids atm then you'll be in your 40s by the time you get round to the kids!
we got married when DD1 was 1, wouldn' really recommend that, it was a bit of a nightmare! the marriage bit is great though
We're still renting and loosing hope of ever buying, but would much rather have our 2 girls than a mortgage.

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lollystix · 04/08/2012 11:13

we did house 1, house 2, marraige, kids (x3), sell house, rent (have another kid), emigrate, rent......

life is what happens while you are making plans sweetie.

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Yama · 04/08/2012 11:14

House, child, marriage, child. That was back in the days of 100% mortgages though.

Changed days.

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NeverKnowinglyAbleToFlickFlack · 04/08/2012 11:15

getting married is no1. tht is about your commitment to each other. the honeymoon doesn't have to happen immediately after the ceremony.

Best Best wedding I have ever been to was friends who got married at local registry office then had a "bring your own" special picnic in the park. It was awesome, it cost them the price of the official paper work and something lovely to wear (special wedding Dr Martins!!)

Babies are most portable when they are small, so for ME (not saying what anyone else should do) I would't worry about the house bit, initially, however I would think about it way BEFORE we needed a school place. trying to move house and apply for schools just sounds SO stressfull (look at primary education threads!)

So for ME with your list I would go for wedding baby house.

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MarianForrester · 04/08/2012 11:16

Marriage, children, house.

Get married cheaply, if you are keen to go it.

Wait until dc arrive before house anyway: your perspective on what you will need/want from a house may radically change when you have children, so best to wait in any event.

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MarianForrester · 04/08/2012 11:16

Go it? Do it.

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RillaBlythe · 04/08/2012 11:16

We did child, marriage, house, child.

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scottishmummy · 04/08/2012 11:18

marry in a reg office,have a nice meal and manageable size guest list
dont say w word and no excess faff and cost to do with wedding fripperies
and then try for child

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bigkidsdidit · 04/08/2012 11:21

We got married, child a year later, still renting. We're very happy renting actually and don't plan to buy till we've had DC2 and DC1 starts school, as then we'll have to pick a place to live for good.

We had a cheap ish but wonderful wedding with a hog roast an a big ceilidh and it was great :)

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Kavina · 04/08/2012 11:22

Thank you for all of your advice. I think the general thoughts are Marriage, Children, House. I'm fine with that but I think my fiancee might take some persuading because he thinks getting a house is the most important thing.

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