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Original poster

Marriage v House v Children

59 replies

Kavina · 04/08/2012 10:23

Hello.
I wanted some opinions on what to do. I'm 27 and am engaged. We are currently renting a house and saving for a deposit to buy our own house. However it is not looking likely that we will have a house deposit in the near future.
I want to be married before we have children, while my fiancee isn't too bothered, although he does want to get married so is happy to get married before we have children. Neither of us want a big wedding.
We both really want to have children, although we both do agree that we would like to have a honeymoon and so would rather do that before having children.
Basically my question is in what order does everyone think this should be done in, baring in mind that neither of us is getting younger?
A house is too expensive and not going to happen for a while.
A wedding is expensive and would eat away at our house budget.
And a baby is wanted by both although I want to be married first.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 04/08/2012 11:31

If you weren't already engaged I would say house. However, marriage I obviously important to you both so it does need to be prioritised somewhere.

We did house, house, marriage, pregnant. Withe first two being over 12 years and the last two within six months. Things were different when we bought though - 112% mortgage with 'good old' Northern Rock.

Weddings can be dirt cheap - set a budget and stick to it. As many on here will tell you, many of the best wedding are all about the celebration not about the matching stationary. You could have a fab do for less than a grand.

You do have time for babies - you are only 27. The question is how urgently do you feel the need? Go with what works for you and your fiancé.

HeathRobinson · 04/08/2012 11:36

I'd do marriage, lovely honeymoon, children, maybe mortgage later.

Once you've had children, holiday options could be limited for a while. Have a blast on honeymoon. Smile

KickTheGuru · 04/08/2012 11:37

You know already what you want to do
You listed in order of what you can achieve

There is NO reason to get married first - one would hope society has moved on from those weird religious dogma

A house will always be there. You can always save if you want one

You may not have a baby immediately. Contrary to much thought, we decided over a year ago that we wanted a baby and we're still trying.

You can put a baby into your "wish list" and save money. You may land up getting married and buying a house before you fall pregnant.

mumnosGOLDisbest · 04/08/2012 11:42

Always rent and live together first. My neighbours (early 20s) bought a house, moved out of parents, lasted 3 months and lost 25000 plus fees due to drop in house prices:(

Then i would get married (cheap and cheerful, reg office with close friends and family is fab), buy house and enjoy life a bit before kids.
I love my dcs but glad they came last as once they're here they cant gi back and you'll end up with lots of other costs/priorities on your list :)

ComeonComeon · 04/08/2012 11:56

Kicktheguru getting married isn't about religious dogma, or shouldn't be. For OP and most posters on here it's about a party to show commitment, and most importantly the legal protection it affords. That's why it's important to at least give marriage good consideration before children - as the divorce lawyer upthread points out. You don't have to have a religious wedding.

DilysPrice · 04/08/2012 12:15

A wedding in a registry will cost about 100 quid. Wear your prettiest frock, invite your mums and dads to come and go down the pub afterwards - with a round of drinks and drycleaning the frock once you've spilled Pimms on it then that's another 100 quid. Anything more would take money that you will really need for house deposit / stamp duty / maternity leave / childcare.

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/08/2012 12:23

If I could do it again it would be baby, wedding, house.

You dont know how long it will take to concieve and we always think it will just happen.

Noren · 04/08/2012 13:15

Get married abroad with just a few people so you can have the honeymoon there and it won't cost too much?

KickTheGuru · 04/08/2012 15:06

I think the religious dogma is more than people seem to think that they need to be married before having a baby. Even if you live with a partner without being married for a couple years, so are seen as common law husband and wife and will therefore be afforded the same legal protection as non-married partners. And the father of your children have to pay, whether married or not.

100% with that fluffy

You have no idea how long it will take to fall pregnant. Some people fall pregnant immediately, 20% of people don't.

Original poster
Kavina · 04/08/2012 15:32

I would get married abroad but there are certain people who I know would like to be there but travelling isn't really an option for them.

I know that I might struggle to get pregnant, but I don't want to try and end up having a baby sooner than I was ready.

OP posts:
TellyBug · 04/08/2012 15:36

Marriage, baby, house.

With the focus on marriage, not wedding.

SilkySmith · 04/08/2012 15:36

House, children, marriage

its hard to get on the property ladder, much harder if you do go PT after a baby, get the house then the baby

cheap wedding, the right house will give you more lasting happiness

Teamthrills · 04/08/2012 15:37

We did child, wedding, house, child, child (& now need a bigger house!)

I would do cheap (but lovely) wedding, child, house personally.

Teamthrills · 04/08/2012 15:45

If I could turn back time I'd have done small, intimate abroad wedding. We ended up with friends & family at ours who I haven't seen since - do it the way you want to do it.

SilkySmith · 04/08/2012 15:51

trust me there is nothing worse than being stuck in a too small property knowing that if you'ld eloped (and anyone at the time who claimed to be unhappy bout it would have forgotten about it by now) you would be a wee step up the ladder..

and if we had tried to buy NOW post child we wouldn't have even got this place!

tb · 07/08/2012 19:40

Signed contract on house1 6 days before wedding. DD born just over a year after we moved into house6. Now in house9, but in foreign parts Grin

Chocoholiday · 07/08/2012 20:06

We got pregnant, then married (abroad so combined small ceremony with holiday - perfect when preg), and are still renting. I really wish we'd bought a house when it was still feasible, but then again we might have lost it when recession hit and DHs income dropped through the floor. One day, maybe - but not in London! So basically I'd say live together first, and get married, then see how you go. If you get the chance to buy somewhere you like and can afford, grab it. But if you can't, don't let it stop you from having kids. Your relationship is the most important basis for having a family, not your house.

kalidasa · 07/08/2012 20:58

We moved in together (renting), then bought somewhere, moved into it and conceived all within six months (and I was pregnant less than a year after we got together initially). It has been a lot of upheaval, especially as this pregnancy has been a nightmare (hospitalised with hyperemesis). The only thing we haven't done is get married! I would quite like to, but DP has family issues with marriage which I understand, so I'm not in a rush.

I agree with others that if being married is important to you then you might as well go for it. No need for it to be expensive.

Sensible to be prepared for ttc to take a while, but also I think you're right not to start trying before you're sure you're ready. We gave it a whirl in a pretty spontaneous way after a few drinks (DP's suggestion!) and I'm not sure if it was that night but I was definitely pregnant within a few days and horribly sick only a few days after that. So I think you do need to be prepared for the possibility that it happens really fast, especially as you are quite young. Our is a v. wanted baby but if I'd realised how grim the pregnancy was going to be I think I might have waited a little bit longer.

AnnoyingOrange · 07/08/2012 21:04

We did flat, marriage, house, children

SrirachaGirl · 07/08/2012 21:14

Wait to buy a house and save as much as you can in the meantime. Get married (registry office and cake or a nice meal out with family), have a baby and then see if you might be able to get onto the property ladder on one income which will give you options wrt childcare later on. Good Luck...exciting times Smile.

BonnieBumble · 07/08/2012 21:18

I think it would be very difficult to get a mortgage once you have children because you have a huge childcare bill and possibly reduced salary.

Chubfuddler · 07/08/2012 21:19

We've been married nearly twelve years. Then two children. Still rent. World hasn't caved in yet.

Athrawes · 07/08/2012 21:24

A wedding is not a marriage. Your marriage is the discussions that you are already having about what you both want, agreeing and chatting.
The wedding can be cheap as chips and your families can contribute in sausage rolls and a pub meal.
Then a nice childfree holiday.
Then children.
Then a house.
If you know you both want children then do it whilst you are young enough to enjoy life post children.

BonnieBumble · 07/08/2012 21:24

I don't actually know anyone who has managed to get a mortgage once the children have arrived. I know a few couples who are trying to save to get a mortgage but it is impossible to save when you have rent and childcare costs.

RillaBlythe · 07/08/2012 21:57

We got a mortgage once we had dd1 & when I was pregnant with dd2.